Dr. Marisa G. Franco is a professor, speaker, and author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends. She teaches classes at the University of Maryland on the science of making friends and how to overcome loneliness.
We spoke with her about the challenges of making friends as an adult (and why it’s so important to keep at it).
Q: Where do you see the most need for adult friendships? Is it across all generations?
Franco: There’s a U-shaped curve of loneliness. It’s the youngest and the oldest generation that is the loneliest. In other words, Gen Z and the “Silent” generation, the oldest folks.
This is true for different reasons. It’s always been a trend that, as people get older, they get lonelier because a lot of their close contacts die.
They can be reluctant to make new friends. Things like chronic health issues, hearing loss, or different disabilities contribute to loneliness.
But for the youngest generation, it’s definitely been about this focus on the digital world. There’s data that people are spending less time with friends than they ever did before when they were younger.
People who spend the most time on social media are either the most or the least lonely, depending on whether they use social media to facilitate in-person interaction or to replace it.
However, I actually think people don’t get lonely enough. Because if you got lonely enough, you would go out there and connect.
But they’re short-circuiting their loneliness with these crumbs of connection. Like interacting on social media. So they’re constantly kind of being fed but kind of malnourished when it comes to connection.
Q: Technology seems to have played a role in declining friendships. How else have adult friendships changed in the last few decades?
Franco: There’s this concept called “learned loneliness,” which means people have gotten used to being lonely. But then, when they’re actually connected to people, they realize how much value it brings to their life.
Under-sociality, as it’s called in the research, definitely happened more post-pandemic. Remote work has contributed as well.
That can really intersect with habituating to disconnection and feeling like it’s natural or normal — but not even realizing how it affects you until you are in a connected state.
Obviously, political differences feel a lot more stark and divisive for friendships than they used to be, too.
And yes, the digital world has definitely changed friendships — I would say in a net negative way.
Our friendship networks have been shrinking for the past several decades, with a big uptick in 2012 when the smartphone became popular.
The world of friendship, unfortunately, isn’t doing as well as I would hope. I share these tips because people didn’t need tips before. A lot of this stuff was just happening.
They were in these environments, they were part of a bowling league, and they had repeated, unplanned interactions. They didn’t move around as much. But now it’s like you have to swim upstream. If you’re not intentional, you end up very lonely.
I would ask people to experiment with their narratives around connections. Like if you think, “I’m fine alone, I don’t need people, I like spending all my time alone,” to experiment with testing that assumption by spending some time with people. See if you feel differently. I think that can be really helpful.
Q: What can people do to build friendships when moving to a new place?
Franco: This work starts before you get to the new place. You can ask people, “Hey, do you know anyone in this place where I’m moving? I would love to connect with people.” This way, once you get there you already have some “warm” contacts, people to get to know.
I would also recommend doing some research on communities you would like to join. Ask yourself, “What do I like to do?” And then how do you do that in the community? That could be a monthly dinner group, learning a new language, exercising, an instrument class, that sort of thing.
Just know that when you move to a new place, friendship doesn’t happen organically. You can’t just wait for friends to come into your life.
Research finds that the more people wait around for friendships to happen, the more they’re lonely over time. You’re going to have to be intentional about putting yourself in places where you can connect.
But it’s not just about doing that. You’re overcoming something called over-avoidance, which means “I’m scared of people, so I don’t show up.”
And you also have to overcome covert avoidance, which is “I show up physically, but I check out mentally.” You have to actually show up to places to connect and engage with people when you get there. Introduce yourself. Ask others questions about themselves.
I tell people to join something repeated over time. That capitalizes on something called the near-exposure effect. This is our tendency to like people who are more familiar to us.
In the beginning, everyone’s unfamiliar, so you’re probably going to feel uncomfortable around them. Some people think, “Maybe this isn’t my scene.” But that’s actually just part of the process.
I tell people to join something repeated and then ask someone from that group, “Hey, would you want to hang out one-on-one or hang out before soccer league next week?” so that you can build that connection.
Q: You mentioned introducing yourself and starting up a conversation. How can people get past social anxiety or awkwardness?
Franco: I tell people to assume people like you. When researchers tell people, “We think you’ll be liked based on your personality,” and it’s not even true, people are actually warmer, friendlier, and more open. So, just assuming people could like you can be really helpful.
Q: Is it true that people like friendly people?
Franco: Yes! People like people they think like them. This is called the theory of inferred attraction. Anything you do to convey that you like someone is going to make them like you more.
Unfortunately, I see a lot of my students have this belief that they’ll come off as clingy or weird if they show any interest in anyone whatsoever. I think it’s a big misconception.
We underestimate how much people like it when we do a random act of kindness. Doing that with someone you want to connect with can really help foster connection.
There’s also research on something called the Liking Gap. This means that when strangers interact, they underestimate how liked they are by one another. The truth is, you are actually liked more than you think you are. It’s a research finding.
Q: What’s the best response when you’re friendly to someone and they don’t reciprocate?
Franco: Walk away, don’t work harder.
Not generalizing is important, recognizing that this is just one person’s prerogative. But that doesn’t mean everyone is like that.
In the research on loneliness, people who stay lonely are the ones who ascribe disconnection to something persistent about themselves, like “I’m weird” or “I’m awkward.” Or ascribe it to something persistent about others, like “You can’t trust people” or “People are cold or unfriendly.”
Try to see unfriendliness as just one thing that happened. Not everyone will respond to you this way and you’re not just weird everywhere you go. Maintaining that sense of hope and optimism is really important.
Q: It seems so much harder to make friends as an adult than as children. Why is this?
Franco: The sociologist Rebecca G. Adams talks about how, basically, when you’re young, you have repeated, unplanned interactions and shared vulnerability. She says those are the ingredients necessary for friendships to happen organically.
But in adulthood, we don’t really have those ingredients.
You might see people at work repeatedly, but you’re often more guarded at work than you were at lunch or recess.
I think that’s instructive because it means that if you could recreate that sort of environment in your life, you could find that friendship happens really easily again.
Also, realize that you’re no longer in that environment as an adult. This is why people may think, “Oh, it should just happen organically. I shouldn’t have to try,” even though they’re no longer in that situation.
Q: In adulthood, are there benefits to having a friend group versus individual friends?
Franco: There’s a level of intimacy that can be achieved when you’re with one person or with smaller groups.
But I think when you’re in a group environment, there is a sense of aliveness that can come with that because you’re all bringing out different parts of each other.
You might only experience one part of each other when you’re just one on one. So you get to see different aspects of each other and know each other more fully.
Especially when you’re going through a tough time, having an entire community that pitches in to take care of you will make your care more sustainable than if you have just a one-off friend. So those are some of the benefits of having a friend group.
Q: What are some of the benefits of making friends as an adult?
Franco: One study looked at the differences between very happy and unhappy people. The characteristic that most differentiated those two groups was the level of connection. The very happy people were much more connected than the very unhappy people.
Loneliness impacts your physical health. It’s commonly said it’s as toxic as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Being connected may decrease your risk of mortality by 50%.
When we’re connected, we release the hormone oxytocin, also called the fountain of youth. It’s really important for our cognitive health. And in old age when you’re more subject to illness, friendship and connection can really be beneficial.
Q: Any last words about making friends as an adult?
Franco: For friendship to happen, you have to be brave. So be brave!
Note: This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
