9 First Date Flirting Tips, Backed by Research

Key points

• People are typically super sensitive to nonverbal social and sexual cues, so a little flirting can go a long way.
• Laughing at your date’s jokes, touching their arm, and making eye contact can be very effective. 
• People flirt differently and appreciate different kinds of flirting from their date depending on whether they’re looking for a long- or short-term relationship.
• Men and women have some overlapping and some different flirting styles and preferences.

If you’re on a first date with someone you like, how can you can increase your chances of a second one?

A few little nonverbal cues could go a lot further than you might think. Still, it can be a challenge for anyone to know what’s appropriate in any given flirtation situation.

One 2019 study looked at 6,794 responses in a Reddit thread about why men were single. The researchers found “poor flirting skills” was one of the most common reasons men said they didn’t have a romantic partner.

You may be worried if you tend to feel shy around people or uncomfortable about love or sex.

Flirting may also be a challenge if you’re neurodiverse, like if you have autism spectrum disorder, and you have difficulty in social situations and “sending the right message.”

We’ve gathered 9 research-supported flirting tips for a first date, plus how masculine and feminine people tend to flirt differently.

Please note that most of the studies mentioned below looked at flirting between heterosexual cisgender couples, and the results don’t represent everyone.

We say take what you want from it that feels best for you!

What is flirting?

Essentially, flirting is a type of courtship behavior. That is, people flirt with someone when they’re sexually or romantically interested in them.

They might want to become physically intimate, start a longer-term romantic relationship, or just enjoy flirting because it feels good in the moment.

Flirting behaviors can be intentional, like giving your date a compliment, but they can also be unintentional. In fact, you may even be flirting without being fully aware of it.

Flirting encompasses many different behaviors that signal attraction. Here are a few examples:

• laughing at your date’s jokes
• smiling slightly
• asking your date about themselves
• making prolonged eye contact, or looking at them and then looking away
• touching your date’s arm

People also use flirting behavior for more than just attracting a mate. Sometimes people flirt to accomplish a different goal, like flirting with a potential customer to make a sale, flirting with one person to make someone else jealous, and flirting to boost self-esteem.

How to flirt on a first date

How you flirt determines how likely you are to go on a second date or form a relationship with someone.

People tend to use one of five styles to communicate their romantic interest when they’re starting a new relationship. However some of these styles may work better than others, according to research.

Studies have found that when people used physical, sincere, and playful communication styles, they had higher dating success. Here’s what those flirting styles mean:

• Physical: You use nonverbal signals, like body language and eye contact, to show you’re sexually attracted to someone.
• Sincere: Showing interest in the other person and getting them to talk about themselves to make an emotional connection.
• Playful: Flirting for fun in and of itself and not being concerned about using it to establish a relationship.

The same research found that people who used the physical and sincere styles got into serious relationships faster and had more emotional connection and physical chemistry.

But people had less success when they stuck to traditional gender roles, like the idea that the man should make the first move.

What’s “coming on strong” and how do you avoid it?

You don’t want to “come on strong” on a first date.

Coming on strong means you’re being too forceful or aggressive in your flirting, which may make your date feel uncomfortable.

Here are a few examples of behavior to consider avoiding unless you think it’s wanted:

• intruding on your date’s personal space by putting yourself very close to them
• making overt sexual comments
• staring at the person
• continuing to text or message the person when they don’t message you back

9 Ways to Flirt on a First Date

Here are some research-backed flirting methods to keep in your back pocket.

1. Laugh together

Laughing is one powerful indicator of attraction around the world.

One study in heterosexual people in the US and Norway found that laughing and giggling at the other person’s jokes was considered flirtatious by both men and women.

Research participants in the study ranked humor production (i.e. saying funny stuff) as the most effective of all flirting tactics when they were with potential long-term partners. This was equally true for men and women.

But for potential short-term relationships, men tended to say it was less important for a woman to make them laugh.

2. Mirroring

Try to notice what your date is telling you with their body language, then flirt in similar ways. 

Mirroring or mimicking behavior is when one person copies the gestures of the other, or makes similar ones. Don’t worry — you can be subtle, you don’t have to mime them obviously. (That might be creepy.)

Research has shown that mimicry, along with other nonverbal flirting behavior like laughter and smiling, helps build trust and rapport.

However, people also use mimicry to build other types of relationships, like friendships and trusting relationships in the workplace, so mirroring alone may not be enough to tell your date you’re interested in being more than just their friend.

3. Eye contact

Duration and quality of eye contact is an essential part of communication, romantic and otherwise.

When someone makes eye contact with you, it shows you their attention is focused on you. And research shows eye contact with a date increases the number of revealing discussions people have.

People tend to experience autonomic arousal when they lock eyes with someone else, whether it’s romantic or not.

Newborns prefer when their mothers are looking at them rather than away.

And your date is probably similar. In one study, people who were speed dating felt less uncertain and more intimate with the person they were paired with when they made eye contact together.

Still, making eye contact was not associated with increased romantic attraction, at least on the first date. So it’s not the only way to signal to your date that you’re into them.

More nuanced flirting with your eyes may work as a clearer attraction signal.

Other researchers found making eye contact and then looking away was an effective flirting strategy when women did it with men.

4. Touch the other person (if it’s OK)

Several types of touching are very effective for flirting, according to the same study of American and Norwegian participants.

In potential short-term partners, men ranked kissing on the mouth, rubbing against, moving closer, and touching his arm as highly effective flirting strategies for women to do with them.

Women had similar reactions, ranking several types of touching as effective in potential long-term partners, including kissing on the mouth, body contact, and moving closer.

You might think those flirting strategies are tops when you’re aiming to hook up with someone short-term, but nope. For women, making her laugh and smiling at her still ranked above all the touch-based types of flirting in short-term dating situations.

When you touch your date, stay aware of their reaction and comfort level. If they appear to move away when you touch or approach them, give them a little more space.

You can even ask their permission before you touch, like, “Can I take your arm?” 

5. Use other nonverbal signals

When you’re flirting, actions often speak louder than words.

According to research, other nonverbal signs of attraction include:

• Head tilt: This is when you tilt your head to one side and a little down while you’re chatting. Researchers have found men interpret this as flirting in women.
• Walk sexy: In some research, women rated men as more attractive when they walked in a more “masculine” way — with their upper body swaying more from side to side. And men judged women as most attractive when they walked placing their feet in a straight line, like on a catwalk, with more side-to-side hip movement.
• Leg or body display: Can signal your sexual interest to the other person, especially women to men.
• Dance: Birds, spiders, and chimps do it, and so do humans. Men and women have used dance since time immemorial to show off their attractiveness and signal their physical health, strength, and skills to potential mates.
• Flirtatious body movements: Studies have found humans are highly attuned to the movements of others. For example, women tend to make more frequent, smaller, slower body movements around men they’re flirting with, and men have been found to perceive this positively.
• Gentle approach: One Greek study found that men and women rated a “gentle approach” as one of the most important aspects they found attractive in potential short- or long-term partners.

People often use these signals to signal interest or attract a potential mate, and so can you!

6. Show commitment

This displays of affection may be most effective if you’re looking for a long-term romantic partner.

Spending time with the other person and having intimate conversations are two ways of showing commitment.

And research has found that women preferred signals of emotional commitment from potential partners, rather than resource commitment alone.

In other words, buying dinner is a good start, but showing your date you genuinely enjoy being with them is even better.

7. Be generous

This mate attraction technique seems to be most effective for men when attracting women.

Studies suggest that women found men more attractive when they were generous, helpful, and kind to others.

Altruism — doing things for others with no expectation of being paid back — is thought to be one signal men use to increase their attractiveness with women.

Many men may naturally use altruism as a way of showing their value as a romantic partner. One experiment found that men contributed more money to charity in a game when they were being observed by women.

In another experiment, women were shown images of men in various scenarios with other people and tended to prefer those who showed altruistic behavior.

Giving gifts, sharing food with your date, or allowing them to go first are just a few ways of showing generosity.

Small altruistic actions go a long way, too — like holding the door open for your date and others and making sure to tip your server at the restaurant.

8. Ask your date about themselves

Eliciting self-disclosure is one of the most effective ways of making an emotional connection with someone on a first date, research says.

And don’t just ask the questions. Show you’re actually interested by following up, being empathetic about what they say, and showing support. Being genuinely interested is key. People can spot a fake a mile away.

But here’s something to keep in mind: If you often tend to ask your date about themselves, you probably know that this style of flirting doesn’t necessarily lead to sex or romance.

While sincere questioning can help you connect on an emotional level, many people think it doesn’t necessarily signal sexual interest.

So if you want to increase your odds of a goodnight kiss, or something more, consider using other physical and playful styles of flirting, too.

On the other hand, if you’d like to take it slow, this technique may be perfect to start with for deepening your emotional connection and assessing whether you’re compatible.

9. Flirt by text and online

Texting or messaging online before and after your date can add a little zest to your dating experience, even if you’re having an in-person or video chat date with someone.

Many people find it much easier to communicate in writing. It gives you the time and space to think up something funny or insightful to say, and you’re not pressured to perform in the moment. You might find your date feels the same.

You can also use texting to tell your date things you might not otherwise share with them in person for fear of rejection, or simply because you didn’t have the chance.

For example, did you connect with your date about cooking? Maybe they’d enjoy it if you sent them a recipe you like or asked for one of their favorites.

See something you think they’d laugh about? Text them a photo or share it on social media.

By connecting with the person before and after your actual date, you’ll be able to find out whether you’re aligned and build up some shared references and in-jokes.

But make sure to read the room. If your date stops responding to your texts after your date, give them some space. It may be a sign for you to move on.

Do men and women flirt differently?

Regardless of gender identity, many people flirt by laughing, making the other person laugh, smiling, touching, eye contact, showing interest in the other person, and other flirting tactics.

But there are some differences, too.

People who identify as women tend to:

• use the traditional, sincere, playful, and polite methods of flirting, according to one study
• move their bodies more frequently while flirting
• use certain flirting tactics more, including displaying a part of their body, walking to make their hips move from side to side, or making eye contact and then looking away
• find men’s flirting behaviors most effective when they suggested emotional commitment and exclusivity

People who identify as men tend to:

• use acts of altruism and generosity as flirting signals to a potential partner
• more often use conspicuous consumption, like driving a Porsche, to attract short-term partners
• are attracted when women flirt by suggesting sexual access, according to one study
• are more interested in good looks in a potential partner

But everyone’s different, and most people don’t fit neatly into stereotypical gendered behavior or identities.

Remember that this research looks at average findings across large groups of people and may not have included participants that represent you or your situation.

The bottom line to remember is, there are no rules saying you should flirt in any particular way. Do what feels most natural to you, as long as you have consent from the other person.

Be true to yourself

When you’re dating someone, remember that the goal is to find someone who’s compatible with you and meets your needs and preferences, whatever they may be.

If you’re feeling uncomfortable with how fast your date feels like it’s progressing, or with the way your date is flirting, that’s a red flag. If something is bothering you, consider telling your date in an appropriate, respectful way.

Go at a pace that works for you.

Some flirting techniques can be overtly sexual and may lead to a quicker progression to sex — like showing cleavage or touching the other person. And that’s OK if you want that.

On the flip side, pay attention to what the other person seems comfortable with.

Check in with yourself on your own feelings about someone. If they’re into you, they may want to see you again. But if you’re not feeling the spark, consider kindly and respectfully telling them no thank you.

The final word

People are extremely sensitive to even the tiniest nonverbal cue when it comes to flirting — a glance, the way you walk, or a tiny brush of your hand against theirs.

You can be very subtle with your flirting and still make a big impression.

Remember that the person you’re on a date with may already like you just the way you are. Being yourself will help you make a genuine connection.