Highlights:
- Emotional safety means having the freedom to express yourself openly and honestly in a relationship
- People in emotionally safe relationships are more likely to have deeper intimacy
Safety. It’s one of the most universally sought-after feelings, a sensation of security, peace, and freedom from harm.
While you may be used to thinking of safety in terms of your physical body — like not getting in a car accident or making it home OK on a dark night — there’s such a thing as safety in your emotional life as well.
“Emotional safety refers to an internal state in which a person feels secure and comfortable expressing their thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities without fear of judgment, criticism, or harm,” says licensed psychologist David Tzall, PsyD.
“It is a sense of well-being and trust that allows people to be authentic and open in their communication and relationships.”
We can maintain a healthy, intimate connection when we feel safe with someone.
Here’s how to cultivate more of this type of safety in your own life.
What is emotional safety?
You can recognize emotional safety by the lack of judgment or condemnation you feel from another person.
“In emotionally safe spaces, individuals can share their experiences, concerns, and emotions without the fear of rejection or negative consequences,” Tzall explains. “They are able to be themselves without putting up defenses or walling themselves off from others.”
Tzall says key elements include:
- Empathy
- Understanding
- Respect
- Validation
You can express these through a calm tone, active listening, or creating a safe space where honesty is met without judgment or negative repercussions.
Examples of emotional safety in relationships
Wondering what emotional safety looks like in the real world?
It might mean telling your partner about your fears of abandonment and hearing them say, “I understand why your history makes you feel that way,” followed by reassurances of love and commitment.
It could look like telling a friend your most shameful parenting moment and being encouraged to forgive yourself rather than beat yourself up.
Emotional safety also means you won’t be punished or betrayed for sharing confidences.
Your fears, insecurities, and confessions won’t get thrown back in your face or used as ammunition against you later.
What happens when a relationship lacks emotional safety?
Being in a relationship without emotional safety is like tiptoeing through a minefield.
Perhaps you tell your partner about a mistake you made at work, only to get verbally nailed for your incompetence. Or maybe you tell your sister about a problem with your mother, only to have her go behind your back and tattle to Mom.
Whatever the case, a lack of emotional safety usually causes people to withdraw from a relationship.
When you’ve been burned, you don’t feel you can share intimately without reprisal, condemnation, or breaking of trust.
Ultimately, this erodes the quality of relationships.
How to create emotional safety
Let’s get down to emotional business!
Here’s how to create more safety in your relationships.
Be the kind of person you would trust
The saying “be the change you want to see in the world” rings especially true when it comes to building emotional safety.
Tzall encourages treating others the way you’d like to be treated. This means:
- Being reliable and consistent
- Following through on promises and commitments
- Using respectful, considerate language
- Staying open to constructive feedback
- Showing solidarity during tough times
Use nonviolent communication
Nonviolent communication is a conversational technique developed by clinical psychologist Marshall Rosenberg. It uses empathy to build trust and meet the needs of everyone involved.
You don’t need to master every detail of this approach to start practicing it.
Start with empathy.
When a loved one is vulnerable with you, pause and try to imagine yourself in their shoes. Respond with compassion rather than impulsively.
Get vulnerable gradually
Opening up to someone on a deep level can feel exhilarating, but rushing into extreme vulnerability isn’t always the best way to build emotional safety.
Instead, taking it one step at a time is healthier and more effective. Gradual sharing helps create a strong, lasting foundation in relationships.
Start small. Share something personal but light — like an embarrassing moment or admitting you don’t actually like your boyfriend’s favorite movie.
If they listen with kindness and make you feel understood, you can begin to share more meaningful parts of yourself over time.
Practice active listening
Want to be heard? Start by listening to others.
When you take time to understand others’ concerns, you build mutual respect.
“It is important to actively listen to each other without judgment and validate and acknowledge feelings and perspectives,” Tzall says. “Establish clear and respectful boundaries and communicate expectations and discuss any potential issues openly.”
The final word
Feeling emotionally safe is a hallmark of healthy intimate relationships.
When you can rest safely in the cocoon of a loved one’s acceptance and care, your sense of well-being gets a major boost. (You might even experience better health and a longer life!)
Though being vulnerable can feel challenging at first, developing emotional safety is worth the effort.
Sarah Garone
Sarah Garone, NDTR, CNC, is a nutritionist and freelance health and wellness writer in Mesa, AZ. Her work has appeared in a variety of publications, including The Washington Post, Insider, Everyday Health, Health.com, and SHAPE. When she's not writing, you can find her baking, running, or singing soprano in a local classical choir. She and her husband have been married for over 20 years and have three teenage children.