Why Taking Time Outs is the Most Important Skill for Couples

When you’re in a conflict with your partner, taking a “time out” is a way to take a step back and choose what you’re going to say and do next.

As a couples therapist, one of my biggest goals is to help clients build this skill. It’s called relational mindfulness — the ability to pause and reflect during a conflict or challenging situation.

The goal is to consciously choose how you’d like to react in the moment rather than responding automatically.

The fact is, our partners can trigger us. If that feels like an understatement, you’re not alone. People often choose partners who seem tailor-made to hit their sensitive spots and activate defensive reactions.

Why time outs are so important for your relationship

Taking a time out helps you become aware of what’s happening inside yourself and in the situation in that moment. And being mindful of a pattern is crucial to changing it.

One of the most productive tools in couples therapy is to identify the relationship’s go-to “dance” of conflict. Then practice using a circuit breaker to interrupt the dance choreography as early as possible.

For example, you may learn that when you and your partner are the most stressed or tired, you have a tendency to become critical and your partner tends to shut down. The more critical you become, the more your partner shuts down. This is a type of dance.

Work toward noticing what internal feelings go along with this pattern and using these feelings as clues to take a time out.

For example, you may want to take a time out when you start feeling:

• a tight chest
• fast breathing
• sweaty palms

Here’s how to put on the brakes.

5 steps to taking a time out

I like to use steps from Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy Model on how to take a time out. Practice the following five steps to take an effective time out during conflict: 

1. Agree upon the meaning of taking a time out

When you feel upset or activated in a moment of conflict, chances are you find it a lot harder to explain nuanced thoughts and think about multiple perspectives.

Use this pre-game chat to get on the same page.

Agree that taking a time-out isn’t saying “screw you!” and storming out, but rather a moment of intentional care.

It is saying, “I love you. I am feeling overwhelmed. I would like to talk this through in a more effective manner.”

Time outs can last anywhere from 20 minutes (at minimum), to 1 hour, 3 hours, a half day, or a full day.

2. Create a secret signal

This is your safe word. It’s the button that either person can push to pause the conversation for a time out.

Decide on this short “secret signal” with your partner when you’re not in conflict.

I find using a hand signal or a code word works very well for my clients. Some people like to use the “T” time-out gesture, others like to come up with a random word that signals we are taking a break. This can be anything, like, “pineapple,” “pamplemousse,” “canoe,” or any other word that works for you.

3. Use the time out to regulate your nervous system

The intention of the time out is to calm yourself so you’re able to have the discussion from a more grounded place. 

That’s because having a conflict with your partner is likely bringing your nervous system into a fight-or-flight state, which can cause a racing heart, increased alertness, and a sense of agitation, stress, or fear.

When people say conflicts make you feel “activated,” they’re talking about this stress response.

When you’re in an activated state, it can be hard to communicate compassionately. And it can be easy to do things you regret later, like hurting your partner or yourself.

Use this time out to bring yourself back to baseline. Distract yourself as much as possible from what activated you in the first place. Know there will be time to return to the conversation.

As tempting as it may be, do NOT use the time out to iron out your argument.

Some of my favourite go-to nervous system calming strategies come from the dialectical behavioural therapy acronym TIP, which stands for three ways to change your body chemistry quickly to reduce emotional overwhelm:

• T: Changing your body temperature. If you’re hot, try grabbing ice cubes or splash some cold water on your face. If you’re cold, have a hot shower or cup of tea
• I: Intense exercise
• P: Paced (or slowed) breathing

Keep a list of what calming strategies work best for you in a place you can access it easily, like a sticky note on the fridge or a note in your phone. 

4. Check in

If your time outs are longer than 20 minutes, check in with each other at agreed upon intervals.

You can check in face to face, via text, or by phone call. The intention is to take the temperature — has there been sufficient time for each person to regulate themselves and feel ready to come back together again?

Often one partner is more anxious to return and resolve the conflict and will remember to initiate the check in, and the other partner is more avoidant or forgetful.

The person who first signalled the time out is also responsible for reaching out to check back in.

If you know you’re likely to forget to check back in, be proactive and use technology to your advantage: set reminders or calendar invites on your phone.

5. Come back together

After checking in at the agreed upon intervals, the time out is over when both people feel open and grounded enough to return to the original conversation.

This is something you can only identify from within. Some helpful cues to look for are if you feel more relaxed in your body, better able to hold multiple viewpoints, and feel able to access a sense of compassion for yourself and your partner.

It can be tempting for couples to skip coming back together, and I can understand why.

They’ve just done the hard work of stopping the bullet train of conflict and of calming themselves down — no wonder they don’t want to enter into the heated head space again!

Sometimes you may find that topics that instigate a time out might not be worth revisiting once both people have had a chance to calm down (or have a snack!).

But other times, things have become heated because it’s an important topic that needs to be addressed. For these pieces, it’s important we commit to readdressing the issue. Otherwise, what we repress often just comes back stronger in the future.

Your pre-game chat

Here’s a little homework.

Decide the following time out parameters together so you can apply them next time you’re in a conflict:

• Unite on your purpose for having time outs: Make sure you both on board with having time-outs as a way of saying you care about the other person and the health of the relationship.
• Secret signal: Decide on your secret signal to pause the discussion — a single word or gesture will do.
• Duration: Decide upon the duration of your time outs. They should range from about 20 minutes up to about 1 day.
• Check-ins: Decide how often you’ll check in during time outs. For example, if your time outs last half a day, you might decide to check in every 2 hours.

How long does it take to learn relational mindfulness?

The development of relational mindfulness happens very slowly. It’s normal for it to take a while.

I tell my clients that at first you may start to notice a conflict pattern a week after the conflict, then a few days, then a few hours. Eventually you’ll start to notice minutes later or even in the moment the pattern is happening.

In therapy, we celebrate the closing of the gap of awareness each step of the way. 

The final word

Taking a break to pause during conflict is the most important relationship skill. A time out is about stopping emotional immaturity and violence (physical or emotional) in their tracks.

Learning how to stop harmful behaviour before it happens is vital because even the most loving relationships cannot be safe if the relationship has a culture of cruelty.

We can never enjoy a flower garden if we pour gasoline on it instead of water — even occasionally.

People talk a lot about how to communicate and connect with your partner. It’s true that enhanced communication, heightened emotional engagement, and improved negotiation skills are all valuable aspects of healthy relationships.

But you can’t use any of these skills until you can successfully curb any hurtful impulses you have. That’s why you need to learn relational mindfulness, including how to take time outs.

Regardless of the initial cause of upset or conflict, nothing holds greater significance in your relationship than stopping yourself from hurting your partner, physically, verbally, or otherwise, and them from hurting you.