Key points
- In queer dating, comfort and safety are especially important.
- Shared activities allow you to move beyond surface-level interactions.
- Consider practicing self-compassion to help you handle anxiety that can come up around dating.
What makes a date gay? Certain physical activities may spring to mind. But queer people carry their uniqueness everywhere they go, creating a desire — and sometimes a need, in the case of safety — for finding activities that complement their preferences and identities.
We spoke with Genny Cuocci, a licensed therapist in New York City, and composed a list of great gay dates from what we learned.
We’ve separated the dates into ideas for gay and lesbian folks, with an important caveat: each suggestion is suitable for anyone, regardless of gender or sexuality. AND this article considers how subcultures within the queer community may impact connection, and what kinds of activities could help facilitate that connection.
Remember that first dates can be daunting no matter who you are, and similar questions are likely to arise: What activities are good for a first date? What do I talk about on the date? How do I ask for a second?
Here are a few expert-backed gay first date ideas to help you navigate uncertainty.
First date ideas for gay guys
With the rise of Grindr and other location-based dating apps, it’s become easier for queer people to signal their sexuality and interest. But whether that leads to more fulfilling connections is another matter.
Cuocci has observed the way casual sex among gay men sometimes negatively affects the dating experience.
“There’s this culture of thinking that, with gay men, it’s going to be about hookups first and foremost,” Cuocci said. “When really a lot of them are actually looking for more intimacy, but they think that their currency for getting to know somebody has to be sex.”
Cuocci says there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being intimate on the first date, but it isn’t a requirement, or the only thing that has to happen.
She also says that gay men often engage in drinking and bar culture, but you don’t need to default to that. There’s more than one social lubricant available. She recommends focusing on creating shared experiences.
1. The baths
Steamy and steeped in queer history, the bathhouse date is the perfect opportunity to spend a few hours relaxing and talking with your new person. The experience can be erotic, but doesn’t have to be overtly sexual, which may make for an even hotter time.
2. Rollerskating or ice skating
Skating is an opportunity to be both tender and competitive. It creates opportunities to play, tease, race, and hold hands, and, if things are going poorly, you can always skate away.
3. Mini golf
This one’s a huge test of your date’s character, especially if you’re pretty good at mini golf.
4. Yoga and a bite
There’s less talking here, but yoga classes only last about an hour, and you may feel more relaxed for a drink or bite afterwards.
5. Pool
If you do want to drink, pool (aka billiards), is a great activity to pair with it. It’s also a sexy subversion of hypermasculine culture, if you’re into that kind of thing.
6. An escape room
Get out of the closet! Escape rooms are a thrilling and collaborative effort that leaves little room for idle chatter.
7. Informal drag
You probably don’t need a listicle to tell you this one’s a gay option, but we recommend an informal drag show, where performances are scattered and there’s plenty of room for conversation.
8. The video chat date (for online daters!)
One of the most disappointing parts of meeting up with someone attractive online is immediately finding you have zero chemistry face-to-face. A video chat is a clever, and potentially sexy, way to avoid wasting the commute.
Lesbian first date ideas
Cuocci says that, where gay men see their sexuality as social currency, lesbians may tend towards offering emotional intimacy upfront. This can make for an incredible first conversation but can sometimes create a false sense of intimacy, or bring a level of seriousness that doesn’t match the relationship.
So, in the spirit of taking things slow, here are some light and exciting ideas for your first go-round.
9. Queer comedy
Comedy provides an opportunity to laugh, see if your senses of humor are compatible, and enjoy the shared thrill of potentially getting spoken to by the performer on stage.
10. Rock climbing
Many lesbians like rock climbing. Citation: the writer of this article is a lesbian.
11. Kickboxing
The “first move” becomes easier with this touch-heavy pastime. Kickboxing is a good way to suss out your physical chemistry and shake off some nerves.
12. Thrifting
One of the coolest parts about same-sex relationships is sharing clothing, so head to the thrift shop and see if y’all are stylistically compatible.
13. Bar trivia night
Correct men, together.
14. Karaoke
Take intermittent breaks from chatting to express your unspoken desires in song.
15. The farmer’s market
If there isn’t a lesbian bar in your vicinity, there is likely a farmers market or stand. Especially suited for the warmer months, the farmers market date is best done in two parts — shopping for picnic supplies, and then settling down on a blanket nearby.
16. Visit an animal sanctuary
You’re bound to fall in love with someone here.
First date ideas for all queer people
This third list may seem arbitrary, and it is. But here are some dates that are particularly, universally enjoyable.
17. Coffee and walk
Here’s a date where a 1-hour meetup doesn’t feel as rushed, and limited eye contact is very socially acceptable.
18. Volunteer somewhere
Sweet, engaging, and never a waste of time.
19. The group event
A great way to make sure the night isn’t wasted is to bring someone along to an activity you’re already doing. Just be careful they haven’t already dated one of your friends.
20. Cook dinner together
This plan is especially helpful for dressing up an invitation to hook up, but it definitely doesn’t have to end that way. You can just do the dishes and part ways.
21. Show someone your favorite movie
A huge upgrade from Netflix and chill.
22. Line dancing
Unlike many forms of dancing, line dancing doesn’t as often require you to have an opposite-sex partner. This can make it easier to feel accepted entirely by the group.
23. A concert
Like the movie, but more social, concerts are opportunities to curate a certain vibe for your date.
24. Dancing
Foolproof, unless you don’t like dancing.
Is it dating or hooking up?
On a first date it can be hard to tell, but there’s nothing wrong with stating your intentions up front.
While Cuocci suggests building a bit of rapport before going too into detail about your long-term life plans, a little honesty might invite honesty from the other person, which will ultimately save you time and anxiety.
How to ask for a second date
If there’s one thing people of all sexualities possess, it’s an uncertainty of how to act after a first date.
When asked how to handle the nerves and uncertainties that follow a first date, Cuocci said to talk to friends about it, and work on finding some compassion for yourself.
“After the first date I hear a lot of people second guess what they said and how they came off,” she shared. “And really, all of that is noise and not going to be helpful. If you messed up or you said something, you know, you just have to move past it. Keep going.”
As for how to keep going, it is, of course, circumstantial. This lesbian writer has found it helpful to ask someone out again at the end of a first date.
It’s an opportunity to state my interest, and I leave the date feeling a sense of either clear confirmation and/or excitement for the days to come.
The final word
First dates are disorienting, whatever your sexual orientation. The telltale sign of a good first hang is that you feel safe and connected, so take what you want from our recommendations and leave the rest.
Underrepresented as we are in popular culture, queer people are experienced in forging our own path. Dating is an incredible opportunity to flex that creativity.
Ruby Anderson
Ruby Anderson (she/her) is a Brooklyn-based health writer and collaborator on projects related to prison abolition and reform. She studied English and Psychology, so she's also, unfortunately, a poet.