How Does Chronic Illness Impact Relationships? Plus, What to Do

Having a chronic illness can be isolating, but learning to talk about it has brought me closer to my partner, family, and friends.

I’m so grateful for the support I get from my partner when my illness flares up. But maintaining a sense of normalcy in our relationship when my illness takes over can be tough. And it’s not just my partner who’s impacted by my illness – it puts a strain on my relationships with friends and family, too.

Maybe you’re here because you have a chronic illness, or perhaps you’re supporting someone you love and want to learn more.

As a therapist, I use my professional and lived experience to help clients navigate life with chronic illness. Here are some challenges I’ve encountered in my practice and in my own relationships and how to handle them.

How do chronic illnesses affect relationships?

Chronic illness is a term that describes any illness that persists for a long period.

We might think of chronic illness as something to worry about later in life, but the clients I work with are mostly in their thirties and have been battling conditions like chronic fatigue syndrome, migraine, fibromyalgia, and celiac disease since early adulthood.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis at 25, after starting to experience symptoms in my late teens.

Endometriosis impacts every area of my life. So many things that seem random – like my energy levels, ability to focus, and tendency to be super clumsy – are all connected to the disease.

My symptoms change on a daily basis, which can be frustrating for my partner, who’s just trying to keep up. Managing my symptoms takes constant care and attention, and I’m afraid of being a burden.

Managing responsibilities

My illness impacts my mobility and my capacity for daily tasks like cooking and cleaning.

At times, it has also prevented me from earning a steady income. My partner picks up the slack, and I often worry that the level of care I need is too much of an ask.

On particularly bad weeks, the illness overshadows the relationship. We end up fighting a lot more than I feel like we would if I wasn’t sick. And it can be easy to blame ourselves and feel like we’re failing as a couple.

Unpredictability

Many chronic illnesses, like mine, are unpredictable. I often have to cancel plans last minute, leave messages unanswered, and miss out on important events.

My friends are understanding, but I can’t help but feel embarrassed when I have to back out of plans because I’m sick yet again.

Chronic illness makes it hard to plan for the future – whether that’s committing to a friend’s bachelorette party 3 months from now or talking to my partner about having kids one day.

We know that my illness will likely get worse, but we don’t know exactly how things will be in 5 or 10 years. Worrying about the future causes a lot of anxiety for both of us.

Talking about my illness can be embarrassing and uncomfortable. But as much as I like to think I can handle it alone, I’ve learned the hard way that hiding my symptoms only makes them (and my relationships) worse.

When it comes to chronic illness, loved ones can be a huge source of support if we let them.

How to maintain a good relationship

It sometimes feels like having a chronic illness is a relationship-ender – but I’m here to tell you that’s not the case. A healthy relationship is possible when both partners are willing to be honest about their needs and capacities.

Here are some tips for how to maintain balanced relationships when chronic illness is present:

Drop the mask

Masking is when a person hides or suppresses symptoms to fit in. In the long run, masking can lead to burnout, anxiety, and depression.

When we’re with trusted loved ones, it’s important to drop the mask and be honest about what our symptoms really feel like.

Ask for help

Many of us have an inner critic telling us we should be able to do everything on our own. Asking for help can bring up shame.

Last week, when I needed help getting from the toilet back to bed, I was so embarrassed to ask that I sat there for 15 minutes until my partner happened to notice.

My partner constantly reminds me that he’s here to help, but he’s not a mind reader. It’s not fair to expect him to anticipate my every need. It’s on me to communicate directly and ask for help.

Show instead of tell

Keeping my partner updated on how I’m doing can feel like a full-time job. When you don’t have the energy to talk, consider finding creative ways to show instead of tell.

For example, use a color system to communicate pain levels. Get three colors of sticky notes to represent low, medium, or high pain levels, and stick them somewhere visible, like on your side of the bed, to show how you’re feeling throughout the day.

Or simply use numbers on your fingers to express your needs.

For example, one means I need space for myself. Two means I need a hug and three means I need help. Just by letting my partner know when I want his help versus just needing a hug, we avoid a lot of fights.

The Spoon Theory, a personal story by Christine Miserandino, is another popular way to describe how it feels to live with chronic illness, using “spoons” as a unit of energy.

Outsource support

In the case of long-term marriages, studies show that partners shoulder the majority of care responsibilities.

Though it can be tempting to lean on our partner, it’s important to include other people in caregiving. Think about where you can outsource support – can a friend come over and watch movies in bed with you for the evening? Can family members drop off meals throughout the week?

I sometimes go to my sister’s place when I’m having a flare. Even though I can’t get off the couch, being around my sister and nephews lifts my spirits. And it gives my partner space to decompress at home alone.

Widen the net

Sometimes, we need to look outside our existing relationships for specialized support. Where can you find help in your wider community?

There are specific support groups for many chronic illnesses and for caregivers. It can help to know you’re not going through these challenges alone.

If you can’t find the right group or prefer to do your emotional processing in a one-to-one setting, consider talking to a therapist.

Remember that healthy people have bad days too

While your partner may not have a chronic illness, they will definitely bump up against their share of bad days, get sick themselves, and feel overwhelmed.

I encourage my clients to set aside time to focus solely on their partner. Setting boundaries around this time and doing it regularly can help safeguard against resentment and ensure the illness doesn’t overshadow the relationship.

You don’t owe your partner anything because of your illness. You’re not a burden. But it is important to maintain balance in the relationship and make sure everyone feels seen and supported.

How do relationships help with chronic illness?

Our individualistic culture might have us thinking we should be able to do it all, but it’s natural to look for care and support within our relationships. Relationships are crucial to maintaining quality of life with chronic illness.

Research has shown that behavioral interventions for chronic illness are more likely to have sustainable effects if they target both the patient and a close family member.

As I learn to let people in, I’m starting to see that my relationships are better because I have endometriosis.  Being sick has made me drop my ego and be vulnerable, learn to communicate directly and ask for help, and create deeper relationships with my partner, family, and friends.

I know I have people in my life who will care for me when I need help and that I’m not alone in navigating the challenges of my illness.

And, experts think that providing care for a spouse can lead to positive emotions and personal growth. When we let our loved ones in, they benefit too.

The final word

Chronic illness can put a strain on our relationships. But our loved ones usually want to help.

Be compassionate and patient with yourself and each other, and remember you’re on the same team.

When we feel safe to be vulnerable with our partner, family, and friends, it’s possible to deepen our relationships – not in spite of chronic illness, but because of it.