Highlights
- Talking on the phone is a healthy, necessary form of communication in long-distance relationships.
- You and your partner can work together to find the right frequency of phone conversations.
- Other creative forms of communication fill in the gaps between phone calls.
In today’s texting era, phone calls might seem less common for daily chats with loved ones.
But in long-distance relationships, a phone call can be a lifeline. Hearing your significant other’s voice in real-time creates a closeness that texts can’t match.
Maintaining a healthy long-distance relationship can be challenging, especially when it comes to how often you communicate.
Striking a balance where both partners feel connected without feeling overwhelmed is key. But is it possible? According to experts, it’s achievable — here’s how.
How often should you talk in a long-distance relationship?
How often should you talk with a long-distance partner? Everyday? A few times a week? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer.
The key is finding a balance that works for you and your partner.
“Some couples will want or need to communicate daily to feel connected, even if it’s just through text messages or quick phone calls,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT, owner and founder of Take Root Therapy in Los Angeles.
“Other couples may not require such frequent contact, but they may prefer to spend a few days together engaged in one-on-one quality time as often as possible,” says Lurie.
When figuring out your ideal communication frequency, consider both your needs and your partner’s. Take into account your communication styles and the time you each have available.
In other words, communicate about how often you communicate!
Long-distance communication ideas
For long-distance couples, phone calls are an obvious choice for staying connected. But they’re not the only option. Texting, Zoom calls, and social media chats can also bridge the gap.
To keep things fresh, consider going beyond digital convos. Writing letters can be a romantic way to keep the spark alive when you’re apart.
“One creative way a couple can stay connected while in a long-distance relationship is to cook the same meal together while on a video call,” Lurie suggests. “They can celebrate (or commiserate) about the cooking and chat casually, and when the preparation is done, they can enjoy a nice date while they feast on the same meal.”
Other possibilities include reading the same books or watching the same movies and discussing them.
“Sexting and cybersex may also be important for intimacy for some couples, and while [these activities] require creativity (and privacy), they can be very rewarding,” she says.
What to talk about
Feeling like your conversations are hitting a wall? It happens. Try these conversation starters to keep your connection strong.
Try “Would you rather” questions
“Would you rather” questions can prompt serious discussion and funny moments.
Snag a book of this-versus-that q’s (or find some online) and get to know your partner’s deepest truths.
Teach each other a new skill
You and your partner each have unique skills. Why not share them with each other?
Hop on a Zoom or FaceTime call and teach your favorite dance move, family cookie recipe, or painting technique.
Use pre-drafted questions
Doing a little thinking ahead of your nightly phone call could mean the difference between a meaningful conversation and dead air.
“Many couples benefit from using pre-drafted questions to connect more deeply,” says Lurie. “If they have phone calls scheduled, for example, jotting down a list of conversation topics can help them feel more connected without the added pressure of thinking of things on the spot.”
Play a phone game
Whether it’s 20 questions or online Battleship, games are a fun way to connect with your partner, even if they’re miles away.
A 2019 study found that couples who played games together released more of the “love hormone” oxytocin.
For more ideas, check out 6 Things to Talk About In A Long-Distance Relationship.
What to do when you have nothing to say
Believe it or not, it’s totally normal to run out of things to talk about with your partner.
“In any relationship, there may be a time when one or both individuals need silence,” says Lurie. “It’s okay to be silent together. This can be really comforting for some.”
When the words aren’t flowing, you and your partner might choose to simply stay on the phone while you go about your daily tasks. If you feel like piping up about something, go ahead — but if not, don’t force it.
If this doesn’t feel comfortable, it’s also perfectly fine to be honest and say you’d like to talk later.
“[Some couples] may prefer to wrap up the call and say goodbye and may then elect to speak again when they have something they want to share with their partner,” Lurie says.
The final word
Only you and your significant other can determine the ideal long-distance relationship communication frequency.
According to Lurie, the most important thing is to establish — and clearly communicate — what you and your partner need and desire.
From here, you can find a chatting frequency that satisfies you both.
“Long distance relationships can be challenging, but if the members of the relationship are prepared to consider what they want and need from a relationship and can communicate that effectively, these relationships can be just as rewarding and intimate as any other,” she says.
