5 Losing and 5 Winning Relationship Strategies

Key points

• It’s typical to respond negatively when you’re in conflict with your partner, especially if you’re already feeling stressed or emotional.
• You can learn to replace these negative behaviors or losing strategies with positive behaviors that foster connection and closeness.
• Working together with your partner to become more aware of your patterns can help you work on conflict resolution and improve your relationship in the long term.

When you’re tired, stressed, or depleted, reacting poorly to your partner is common. 

Relationship therapist and creator of Relational Life Therapy Terry Real identifies these reactions as the “5 Losing Strategies.” These behaviors often harm relationships instead of building connections. 

Everyone engages in these behaviors at some point. Recognizing your and your partner’s go-to strategies during conflict can be helpful.

There’s power in knowing your patterns. When they show up, you can choose how to move forward and learn to build healthier connections in the long term. 

Below, you’ll find descriptions of the five losing relationship strategies with examples and alternative skills to practice to give you a roadmap on how to improve and move forward. 

1. Unbridled self-expression

This happens when people struggle to filter their thoughts or words, leading to excessive or hurtful communication. Think of it like an emotional hit-and-run where someone unloads everything onto their partner without restraint. 

This can also manifest in how you communicate, like raising your voice, slamming doors, passive-aggressively sighing, or stomping around. 

Example: “You didn’t unload the dishwasher today. You’re just like your mother. It reminds me of that fight we had 3 years ago. You never think about my needs.”

Skill to practice: Containment — share one issue at a time

Boundaries are important. Think of them as filters: one for the outside world and one to keep the inner world private. It’s essential to recognize that honesty isn’t always the best approach and that you must take responsibility for your feelings and actions. 

If you felt unheard or ignored growing up, you might feel compelled to share everything when given the chance.

However, learning to contain your emotions is crucial because not everything in a relationship is an emergency that needs to be dealt with now.

The advantage of a long-term relationship is that you can work away at things over time. To ensure effective communication, focus on tackling one issue at a time. 

Example: I learn to notice when I feel big feelings and take space to bring myself back to a regulated state. I plan regular meetings with my partner where we share appreciation and one challenging topic or piece of feedback at a time.  

2. Controlling your partner

You can exert direct control by telling your partner what to do or punishing them. Indirect control might involve manipulation or people-pleasing.

Not all controlling behaviors are malicious. Control often appears as demands rather than requests or efforts to make your partner listen, change their behavior, or comply with your wishes.

Ultimately, the only actions and reactions you can control are your own.

Example (critical control): “I didn’t take the trash out because it wasn’t the right time. Your system is terrible. We really need to be doing it my way.”

Example (people pleasing): “Oh no! Are you disappointed I forgot to take out the trash? I’m a terrible person. You have to tell me it’s okay, or I won’t ever be able to live with myself.”

Skill to practice: Differentiating

Notice when you experience a difficult feeling—shame, anger, or hurt. Rather than make your partner responsible for the feeling, assess what is your responsibility and what isn’t. 

From here, you can also move toward loving your partner for who they are, including what makes them different from you, rather than trying to force sameness. 

I recommend a tool like the Gottman “I Appreciate…” exercise for leaning into cherishing what’s unique about your partner that you treasure.

Example: I can assess and own my behavior. If I forget to take out the trash at the agreed-upon time, I can show myself compassion rather than feel ashamed that I’m a “terrible person.” I also allow space for my partner and me to have different feelings, needs, and preferences and make space to negotiate. 

3. Retaliation

This involves the belief that you’re justified in hurting your partner as a response to being hurt yourself. Terry Real calls this losing strategy “Offending from the Victim Position.”

Example: In a relationship where infidelity has taken place, the cheated-on partner feels justified to either cheat themselves or treat their partner harshly on an ongoing basis.

Skill to practice: Vulnerability

Learning to validate and show compassion towards your pain rather than react out of defensiveness is a crucial relational skill—in your relationships and yourself. 

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable in your relationship means that you put down your walls and risk showing your innermost thoughts and feelings. 

In these moments, you’re taking a chance on being hurt further, but you’re also potentially allowing for deep healing and connection when the other person meets your hurt with understanding and love.

Example: When I feel hurt by my partner, I open up to them and share my feelings rather than act out my impulse to punish. 

4. Withdrawing

This behavior happens when one partner becomes emotionally distant or unavailable, causing anxiety in the other.

Unhealthy withdrawal involves refusing to engage or communicate, while healthy withdrawal might involve requesting space for a certain amount of time before revisiting the issue.

Example: I avoid eye contact and stop responding to my partner when I feel overwhelmed or hurt. Sometimes, I even leave the room without saying anything.

Skill to practice: Setting boundaries

The antidote to withdrawal is to feel empowered to listen to your needs and limits and set boundaries accordingly. 

When you don’t feel like you’re allowed to have boundaries, you will do whatever you can to manage your distress and overwhelm.

When you withdraw, you’re emotionally, mentally, or physically shutting off to self-protect without communicating this to your partner. Sometimes, without even realizing you’re doing it. 

People who often choose withdrawal as a strategy likely learned in childhood that they weren’t allowed to listen to themselves and set limits. 

Setting boundaries makes it clear to your partner what you need so they’re not blindsided in the moment.  

Example: I tell my partner when I need a time-out during conversations when I feel activated or overwhelmed.

For a step-by-step guide on how to take a time-out, check our blog, Why Taking Time Outs Is The Most Important Skill for Couples. 

5. Needing to be right

Persisting in conflict just to be seen as right is a tough habit to break, especially when you feel certain. 

This often leads to defensive reactions like anger rather than open curiosity. It might also involve blaming others for your feelings or avoiding responsibility in disagreements. 

This mindset can be hard to change if it benefits you in business, research, or law. Relationships are a whole different ball game. They require a different set of skills rarely taught in school, but they’re curcial to healthy interactions.  

Example: “No, I didn’t say that, and it didn’t happen that day. It was the other day, and you’re totally missing the point…”

Skill to practice: Responding with generosity

Validate, validate, validate. Instead of defending your perspective, acknowledge your partner’s feelings. This is key to building connection and understanding. 

Remember, relationships are built on subjective experiences, not objective realities. 

By honing your ability to differentiate, you create space for your partner’s emotions, desires, and perceptions without invalidating your own. The goal is to understand each other’s emotions, not prove a point. 

Terry Real often says, “We can either be right, or we can be in a relationship.” 

Example: “If I were you, I would have seen it that way too. That must have felt awful.”

Learn more about healthy communication in our guide on How To Be A Better Communicator Using The Feedback Wheel.

The final word

Remember, there’s no shame in falling into a losing strategy.

Part of being in a relationship is being imperfect and facing conflict. What matters is how you take responsibility for your actions. 

Sit down with your partner, and consider your behavior during challenging moments. How frequently are you both using certain strategies?

This can help strengthen your ability to take a beat before jumping into a defensive mode during conflict.

Identifying and understanding your patterns can help improve communication and foster healthier relationships. 

*If any of these “winning” skills to practice don’t feel possible within the context of your relationship, there may be deeper issues at play. You might find it helpful to work through this in individual or couple’s therapy.

For more on this topic, check out Terry Real’s books: https://terryreal.com/books/