Key points
- Backhanded compliments are the flatterer’s attempt to be both likeable and superior.
- Being able to identify a backhanded compliment gives you the power to decide how you’re going to respond to it.
- In contrast to backhanded compliments, genuine compliments feel sincere with no ulterior motive.
Backhanded compliments are an attempt by the giver to manage the impressions others have of them. You’ve probably received them, and you may have even dished them out, consciously or not.
At first glance, a backhanded compliment seems like a nice thing to say. However, there is always a stipulation or subtext to the compliment that twists its intention and impact.
Knowing the signs of a backhanded compliment allows you to identify it in the moment.
This can be helpful because a backhanded compliment has the power to make you feel bad about yourself. You can take back that power by recognizing that it’s not about you and choosing a response that feels authentic to you.
Read on to learn the definition, signs, and recommended responses to a backhanded compliment.
What is a backhanded compliment?
You most likely know the term “backhanded compliment” and maybe even have experienced the icky feeling of receiving one, but still don’t really know how to define what it is. So what does “backhanded compliment” mean?
It’s essentially a compliment with an insult hidden in it.
Experts define a backhanded compliment as “seeming praise that draws comparison with a negative standard.”
It usually takes the form of a two-part sentence that begins with a compliment followed by a stipulation or comparison that changes the tone and meaning of the compliment. For example, “You’re really attractive for your age.”
The statement could also be a less direct comparison with a negative standard and instead could more subtly introduce judgement or doubt. For example, “You’re more attractive than I thought you would be,” or “You actually look good today.”
The implications here are “I expected you to be less attractive,” and “Normally you don’t look good.”
These implications make the compliment insincere and leave the receiver with the feeling of being insulted rather than complimented.
Why do people offer backhanded compliments?
What’s the intention behind backhanding a compliment?
Experts point out that while flatterers usually offer compliments because they want to be liked – by both the receiver of the compliment and by third-party observers – compliments also carry the risk of making the flatterer appear inferior.
For example, if we both give a presentation at work and then I tell you your presentation was smart and well-executed, it could leave the impression – with you and observers – that I believe your presentation was better than my own.
This could have negative consequences for me, such as people around the office now thinking that you’re better at presentations than I am.
A backhanded compliment is a way for me to exhibit likeable behaviour while keeping your status below my own. For example, that might sound like, “Your presentation was smart and well-executed, for an intern.”
In a nutshell, the flatterer’s main motivation for giving a backhanded compliment is to try to be well-liked while simultaneously retaining or raising their own status.
5 signs of a backhanded compliment
Maybe you’re wondering if you’ve been on the receiving end of some backhanded compliments. How do you know if a compliment is backhanded?
Here are signs, according to social science researchers.
1. Comparison to a negative standard
Where there’s a second part to the statement that implies negative judgment. Like, “You’re hot, for a mom.” Or it might be an implied negative comparison like, “You’re hotter than they said you were.”
2. A caveat or detail that takes you down a peg
A single phrase like “actually” can turn a positive compliment into a backhanded one. Like, “You’re actually pretty hot.”
3. The intent of the statement is questionable
If the flatterer offers you a compliment and you’re left thinking, “What did they mean by that?” then maybe it’s a backhanded compliment.
A genuine compliment is offered with the intention of making you feel good about yourself. If you feel like the compliment might be for the benefit of observers or might actually be intended to make you feel bad about yourself, then it might be backhanded.
4. Overly positive tone
The statement is delivered in a tone that seems overly enthusiastic, impressed, surprised, curious, or sympathetic.
If the delivery seems performative, exaggerated, or fake, then the compliment itself might be backhanded rather than genuine.
It can be hard to tell with this sign, because some people are genuinely more expressive than others. However, if it leaves you feeling hurt, that’s a good sign something’s not right.
5. The statement makes you feel bad about yourself
Finally, as mentioned above, a genuine compliment is intended to actually make you feel good about yourself.
On a gut level, a backhanded compliment doesn’t feel good.
If you’re walking away feeling low, icky, disrespected, or questioning your own value, you may have just received a backhanded compliment.
However, feeling bad about compliments isn’t a sure sign they’re backhanded. If most compliments make you feel bad or uncomfortable, there may be something else going on.
Research has shown that people with low self-esteem have trouble accepting that others see them positively when they receive compliments. Instead of causing good feelings in these people, compliments can trigger negative feelings and self-concerns.
Examples of backhanded compliments
So, what is an example of a backhanded compliment? Here are a few:
- “Your presentation was good, for a woman.”
- “Your presentation was better than I thought it would be.”
- “Your presentation was better than your last one.”
- “Your presentation was actually good.”
What would a genuine compliment sound like in this scenario?
“Your presentation was really good.” Full stop. Or even better, a compliment with an example to show you were paying attention, like, “Your presentation was good! I liked that you offered a few different examples to prove your point.”
How to respond to a backhanded compliment
Now that you know some signs of a backhanded compliment, you are in a position to identify it in the moment and respond accordingly.
There is no manual for how to best respond to a backhanded compliment, and because every situation is different, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach that we can recommend. Depending on the context, there are a few different responses you could opt for. For example, if the flatterer is your boss you might react differently than if it is a stranger than if it is your sister.
It’s up to you to not only read the room but, more importantly, decide for yourself what you will stand for in this moment. Here are a few options we’ve come up with for how to respond to the following backhanded compliment: “Your presentation was good, for a woman”:
- Don’t engage: Offer a thank you for the positive portion of the statement in order to give the impression that you either haven’t noticed the backhand or you’re unbothered by it. “Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed my presentation!”
- Stand up for yourself: Reframe the backhanded compliment out loud, like, “My presentation quality has nothing to do with my gender.”
- Tell them you didn’t like the comment: “It bothers me that you seem to expect less of women than men.” You may want to consider the person and your relationship with them before choosing this option. For example, narcissists tend to use backhanded compliments, but often react negatively to negative feedback.
- Ask them to elaborate: Open up discussion by asking, “What do you mean?” Asking people to repeat or articulate an offensive comment often makes them rethink their statement. Keep in mind if you respond like this, there’s a risk they’ll double down.
If you give backhanded compliments
If you realized you’ve been giving backhanded compliments, understanding this issue is the first important step.
The next one is to know what you’ll say next time instead. The key aspects of communication to keep in mind next time you give a compliment are to make sure you’re including the compliment only, without a negative comparison alongside.
Communicating with others is complex, and it’s normal to make mistakes. If you think your comments hurt someone, consider apologizing.
If you want to improve your social skills, keep two important aspects of communication in mind when you’re giving compliments. In the best case, the person receiving the compliment from you perceives:
- The compliment is sincere
- You don’t have ulterior motives for giving it
The final word
In short, backhanded compliments are the flatterer’s attempt to be both likeable and superior; they are not an attempt to actually make the receiver of the compliment feel good about themselves.
If you receive a backhanded compliment, you can choose to ignore it or you can choose to confront it, but we hope you will know that the backhanded comment says more about the flatterer than it does about you.