How to Talk About Sex with a Partner: Before, During, and After

In my work as a sex therapist, I also often hear people lament that sex should just be “easy.” Many of us are taught to stay silent during sex, avoiding conversations that might feel awkward or risky.

And pop culture sex doesn’t help. Sex on screen rarely shows us the silly, messy, awkward aspects that are a normal part of bringing bodies together.

Instead what we see is a sexual “script” that’s akin to an Ikea list for furniture assembly. We see images that follow a particular order with little-to-no verbal explanation. 

If, let’s say, we’re looking at the majority of rom-coms — we overwhelmingly see the same type of bodies (white, thin, heterosexual) do the same type of sex (penetrative penis-in-vagina intercourse).

The order usually goes: a mere few seconds of making out, then ripping off clothing, jumping to a few moments of penetration. All without so much as a drip of lube or a moment of manual stimulation, notes University of Chicago assistant instructional professor Bel Olid in their book Wanna Fuck?.

This expected behaviour is laid out so clearly, yet a lot is left unclear.

In pop culture depictions of sex like this, we don’t exactly know what is happening as the sex unfolds behind a bathroom stall, under sheets, or around clothing — skirts simply being lifted, bras left on, only a fly unzipped. The moment crescendos in a simultaneous orgasm. They sigh and silently relax together. 

There’s so much to say about the problematic nature of this — only showing one version of sex and who has it.

Here’s the core of this issue: When people don’t see their bodies, desires, or sexualities represented or if they deviate from the script in any way, they can feel (consciously or subconsciously) that they are “abnormal” or not deserving of this type of connection or pleasure.

This can result in a wallop of shame, or in people dissociating from their true selves in a fight to be “normal” — shrinking and contorting into wordless, moaning performers.

Pop culture depictions of sex send the message that we should just “know” what to do, or our partner should know our turn-ons without us having to explain them.

But developing the courage and skills to communicate openly — before, during, and after intimacy — can make the experience deeply connected and satisfying.

There are different types of communication that can be helpful at different points in our relationships. Here are some prompts to help you break the silence and get you off — I mean, get you started: 

Before sex: Setting the foundation

There can be a lot of sensitivity and nuance when you and your partner are talking about what you’re interested in sexually.

It can be a difficult conversation to have when you’re in the heat of the moment. That’s why it can be incredibly beneficial to have conversations about sex outside of sexual encounters.

Here are some tips to create a comfortable environment for these conversations:

Lower the pressure

• Acknowledge the discomfort: Talking about sex might feel uncomfortable — it’s a skill many of us aren’t taught. Acknowledge this discomfort and approach the conversation with patience for yourself and your partner.
• Choose an environment where you feel relaxed: This could be on a walk or in the car. You might even feel more comfortable talking on the phone. It can also be helpful to do things to make the conversation feel more lighthearted. Some couples even wear funny hats to lighten the mood.

It’s okay if talking about sex isn’t sexy

To have these conversations, you might find it helps you feel more comfortable to lower the lighting, light a candle, or have relaxing music on in the background.

But don’t worry about setting the mood. There’s already enough to think about without the added pressure of feeling like you need to be seductive. Focus on fostering honesty and understanding instead.

Bring ideas to the table

Initiate the conversation with specific questions for your partner. Here are a few ideas:

• “Do you have favorite ways or places to be touched?”
• “What words do you like (or dislike) your body parts to be called?”
• Explore tools like a Yes/No/Maybe list like this one from Mojo Upgrade to discover mutual interests. This one sends you a list of only the areas where you both match up.
• “How do you like to feel cared for after sex?” Maybe you like to snuggle for a bit, receive affirming words or texts, or do an activity together like go on a walk or share a meal together.

Whether or not you identify as kinky yourself, there’s a lot to learn from the kink community about communication about a sexual interaction (or “scene” as it’s commonly referred to in kink), including preparation, checking in and expressing limits in the moment, and engaging in “aftercare.”

I suggest checking out both The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton for more.

During sex: Speaking up in the moment

Talking during sex isn’t limited to dirty talk. It’s also about expressing feelings, desires, and even discomfort in a way that deepens connection.

Give feedback without criticism

Use nonjudgmental, encouraging phrases to guide your partner.

For example:

• “How does that feel?”
• “Do you want it slow, fast, hard, or gentle?”
• “I love this, and …” 

Turn it into a game

If the idea of asking for what you want and communicating during sex feels overwhelming, and you don’t know where to start, I highly recommend sex educator Betty Martin’s “3 Minute Game.”

The two questions to play the game are: “How do you want to touch me for 3 minutes?” and “How do you want me to touch you for 3 minutes?”

Don’t ignore pain or fear

I’m a big believer that we can’t identify our “yes!” if we don’t understand our “no.” To share a connected and pleasurable experience, it’s vital to listen to your body’s limits.

Practice mindfulness during sex

Building our capacity to stay present with our body’s sensations can be one of the most valuable access points to pleasure and intimacy.

For a helpful guide on how to practice mindfulness as it relates to sex, I suggest Lori Brotto’s wonderful book Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire.

Develop a check-in system

A simple strategy to start practicing around checking in during sex with a partner is to use the “traffic light” system to set boundaries.

You can ask your partner or offer where you’re at in an ongoing manner:

• “Green” means you are feeling present, safe, and in pleasure.
• “Yellow” means you are unsure and to proceed with caution.
• “Red” means you would like to pause or stop the activity.

Be mindful of people pleasing

Many people are familiar with the fight, flight, or freeze trauma responses, however “fawning” or “people pleasing” is an equally common trauma response.

We don’t consciously choose these responses, but our brain defaults to whichever strategy it thinks has the best chance of keeping us safe.

If you know that in times of stress your default strategy can be to go into “people pleasing,” this can make setting boundaries extra difficult during sex, even in the presence of a supportive and respectful partner.

Navigating this can be quite complex, and I highly suggest working with a therapist to get support.

After sex: Reflecting and connecting

Post-sex conversations are a great time to savour and highlight the most satisfying parts of the experience. It can also be an opportunity to deepen connection and understanding of one another.

Avoid jumping into overanalyzing

Pay attention to your partner’s energy level and body language. If there is something that you would like to share, remember that there is no rush. There is no deadline for when you can bring up your thoughts and feelings about sex. 

If you’re basking in the afterglow, enjoy. Silence can be incredibly connecting.

Check in gently

Simply sharing how you’re feeling and asking your partner how they’re doing can invite conversation without pressure. 

If you know that you would like to have a conversation, you can also ask your partner by saying something like, “Would you be open to sharing things you really loved, and things you might want to try? We could chat now, or maybe over a fun date night sometime.” 

Positive feedback

Acknowledge the moments you enjoyed: 

• “One of my favorite parts was when you …”
• “The way you did X to my Y was incredible.“ 
• “It was so sexy when you …”

Give space for honesty

Frame your feedback as an invitation to explore together:

• “Next time I’d like to try …”
• “I thought you liked X, but you didn’t seem to. How do you feel about it?”
• “What do you want to try next time?”

Why talking about sex matters

Sharing vulnerable emotions during sex may feel risky, but taking these risks together is exactly what can increase sexual desire and intimacy.

Communicating about complicated feelings might be hard at first, but it ultimately strengthens your connection and creates a foundation for truly satisfying intimacy.

By integrating emotional communication skills into the bedroom, you can turn moments of vulnerability into opportunities for growth, trust, and pleasure. 

Here’s a list of books on the subject I enjoyed that I think you might, too:

• Wanna Fuck? by Bel Olid
• Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships by Stella Harri
• The New Bottoming Book and The New Topping Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton
• Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire by Lori A. Brotto