How “Core Negative Image” Work Can Improve Your Relationship

Key points

• It’s human to have a “core negative image” (CNI) of your partner. The CNI is a caricature of them at their worst and is influenced by your past.
• Using your partner’s CNI of you to guide your behavior is one of the most direct ways to improve your relationship.
• Having a discussion with your partner about your CNIs is an advanced relationship skill, but one that can bring profound healing. You can practice CNI work with your partner at varying levels of difficulty.

How can your intimate partner be the person you love the most, but also the person who can hurt you the deepest?

It may even feel like there are two different versions of them — one with the feel-good song “This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)” playing in the background, like when the credits roll in a rom-com, and another with the shrieking violins at the climax of a thriller.

If you’re navigating these conflicting feelings, you are not alone! This is actually a very normal human relationship experience, and there’s even a term for it.

Internationally known couples therapist, author, and creator of Relational Life Therapy (RLT) Terry Real calls this our “core negative image” (CNI) of our partner. I’m trained in CNI work as a relationship therapist, and I want to share the basics of it with you.

Please note, this article is for those in relationships where there is no abusive dynamic. For help identifying if there is abuse in your relationship, I suggest checking out this resource.

What is a CNI?

The “core negative image” or CNI represents the story you make up about your significant other at their worst. It is a cocktail of truth and fiction: stirred up with our past and an amplified version of how we see them in the present.

You have a CNI of your partner, and they have one of you.

CNIs tend to come out in times of conflict or when one partner does something that triggers the other. But since you have made up this CNI of your partner, acting toward them as if they actually were this caricature can be harmful to your relationship.

Why CNI work can be so powerful

Using your partner’s CNIs — that is, their worst version of you — as a compass for your behavior is one of the most direct ways to improve your relationship.

Every time you act in a way that counters your partner’s CNI of you, you likely reassure them and touch something deeply within them.

This behavior is not obligatory but is an act of generosity that can profoundly affect your partner, providing them with something they long for and might have missed in their upbringing.

How I used it in my own relationship

I worked though using CNIs in my own relationship with my husband Shane. Here’s how.

When I was going through my training on CNIs, we were encouraged to try this out with our own partners. I remember feeling a mixture of nerves and excitement. I was incredibly curious about what we would learn about each other, but I was also worried about poking each other in our more tender places.

I made sure to check in with Shane about finding a good time for us to chat, and giving myself a healthy dose of compassion before starting.

While the conversation certainly felt vulnerable, it had a lot more laughter than I expected.

It also left me feeling empowered that we now had a shared language to be able to change the script in places where we had previously been getting stuck.

My hope is to help you see how to incorporate this into your life. 

How to do CNI work with your partner

Here I’m going to break it down as clearly as possible in the way that I do with my clients as a relationship therapist.

Before we begin, it’s very important to note that this is an incredibly advanced relationship skill to implement.

It is an exercise that can be fantastic to do with the support of a therapist, particularly an RLT trained therapist, as they are familiar with CNI work.

Think of the CNI work as a practice you can layer onto your existing work together to level up once you feel confident that your relationship has a secure base. You must build the walls before wallpapering them.

Part 1: Decide whether you’re ready

Here’s what each of you should ask yourself before having a CNI conversation.

I’ve written the following questions to ask yourself as if they were a part of a flow chart. Imagine at each step there is an exit ramp with a sign that reads: Congrats on making it this far! Time to take a break.

Ask yourself:

1. Are you hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?: You can remember this using the acronym HALT, and if any of those descriptors apply, that is your cue to pause and find another time to have this discussion.
2. Do you and your partner know how to use the time out skill?: Most directly, the CNI practice is an advanced version of taking a time out.
3. Do you know your triggers?: Do you have a sense of your own relationship triggers and defensive reactions? If not, I suggest pursuing individual therapy. You and your relationship may also benefit from exploring inner child work.
4. Can you communicate compassionately?: Do you and your partner know how to use compassionate communication skills? If not, start by focusing on incorporating these skills before moving forward.
5. Can you self-soothe?: Are you able to hold yourself in warm regard and self-soothe if you start to slip into shame or blame? It is important to remind yourself that CNIs are not truths, but helpful tools for navigating difficult moments.

If you have determined from the above list that you’re not yet ready to move on to discussing CNI’s with your partner, that’s OK!

Let the skills above be your focus for now, and proceed to read the next steps to keep in mind for the future. Increasing your awareness individually first is an invaluable part of the process.

If, on the other hand, you’ve determined you are ready to level up your relationship skills, let these next steps guide you to have the CNI conversation.

Part 2: Have the CNI discussion

Remember that deciding to do CNI work is about YOU and YOUR work. It is about you wanting to stop seeing your partner with this fake filter and to take responsibility for your own projections.

It is not about blaming, criticizing, or controlling your partner. In fact, it is the opposite of this. It is owning the fact that certain behaviors in others cause us to project our own stuff onto them.

It is about owning our shit.

Do this with your partner:

1. Each write down the CNI you have of your partner

• Remember that the CNIs you have of each other are subjective, not objective reality.
• Write three to four adjectives to describe the story you make up about your partner when they are at their worst. (This is your CNI of them.) 
• Next do the same for what you think your partner’s CNI is of you.

My CNI of Shane happens when he is focused on the computer and I struggle to get his attention. I make up that he is: unreachable, burdened, and critical.

Shane’s CNI of me is that I am: helpless, overwhelmed, and catastrophizing. I trigger this image in him when I am late and running around the apartment like my hair is on fire: dropping things, stubbing my toes, exhaling loudly.

2. Brainstorm CNI busting behaviors

Once you understand the behaviors that trigger your partner’s CNI, you can choose different actions they could take to avoid these triggers.

• Beside the CNI, write a list of “CNI busting” behaviors. These are behaviors your partner could do that would immediately disprove the negative image forming in your mind. 
• Remember the negative image in your mind may not reflect reality. It may be that your partner’s behavior subconsciously reminds you of an absent or invasive parent you had as a child. The point is that you are helping each other to become aware of and responsible for your triggers.

Shane told me that a CNI busting behavior I could do is to forecast for him when I might have overscheduled myself or need to rush somewhere, and to calmly ask for help earlier in the process.

I let him know that a CNI busting behavior for him is to directly communicate his boundaries with me when he needs to focus and is not able to talk.

3. Share with each other

• First take turns guessing what you think their CNI is of you. A sense of humor is a real asset here!
• Take turns revealing the CNI you have of your partner, as well as a “CNI busting” behavior they could do when you’re feeling triggered.
• It is crucial to acknowledge that there is often a grain of truth in your partner’s CNI of you. As much as you can, empathize with their perspective. This doesn’t mean you have to fully agree with it! Take responsibility for the behaviors that may activate your partner’s CNI. The goal is to understand what happens for your partner in these moments and what you can both do to minimize their occurrence. 

I had no idea that my behavior impacted my husband in this way — I actually predicted he would tell me a totally different CNI.

Since we’ve had this discussion, I’ve made more of an effort to give myself more time in the mornings as well as walk more slowly around our home — although this is definitely still a work in progress.

Shane is working on actively listening, making eye contact with me and responding with a “mhmm” when I speak to him even if he does not have a response.

We also work together to find intentional time in the day to be present with one another — whether it is to do a crossword with our morning coffee or turn the TV off during dinner.

Part 3: Create your Dead Stop Contract — a potentially powerful moment of healing

To use your new CNI knowledge and practice out in the wild, create what Terry Real calls a “Dead Stop Contract.”

This contract is an agreement you make ahead of time for one partner to immediately stop a current behavior, when the other partner uses a code word.

The partner who uses the code word is communicating: “I am feeling overwhelmed right now, I don’t want to fight. It would be really helpful if you could do a CNI busting behavior.” 

Of course, this is quite a complicated concept to express when you are feeling flooded, and so that is where the benefit comes in of having this conversation ahead of time and creating a codeword signal.

I find the sillier the word, the better: Sponge Bob, cronut, tiddlywink.

The Dead Stop is for fostering reconnection and stopping escalation that can happen when you simultaneously trigger each other.

When a partner responds positively to a Dead Stop request, it helps dispel the fears inherent in the CNI, often leading to a powerful moment of healing.

If one or both of you cannot switch into a healthier interaction, it may be necessary for you to call a time-out. That is why it’s called a Dead Stop agreement. It’s the understanding that, no matter what, you both agree to stop whenever one is called.

What to do when your CNI is triggered

What should you do in moments when you’re upset with your partner and you find your core negative image (CNI) of them is being triggered — that is, you’re seeing them as your worst version of them.

Here’s what to do, depending on how well you think you’re able to communicate respectfully with them in this moment:

If you’re still able to communicate your feelings, needs, and boundaries 

You express that you’ll be taking a break and when you’ll be back.

Example: You might say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. I’m taking a break. I’ll be back in 1 hour. I love you.”

If you know you’re being activated but you’re not able to put it into words

Use your Dead Stop Contract — say the keyword you both agreed upon.

Give your partner the chance to try out a CNI busting behavior. If they aren’t able to, take a time out.

Example: Shane says, “Pineapple.” Erin recognizes she is rushing around and is able to take a breath and slow down her movements.

If you’re on the brink of anger, overwhelm, or total shut down

Use this method when you know that if you say anything more, you risk squeezing toothpaste out of a tube that can’t be put back in.

Example: Make the “time out” hand gesture or use your pre-decided codeword and leave. Don’t wait for your partner to respond. 

The final word

Renowned couples therapist Terry Real says that we all partner with our unfinished business. He means that when people choose an intimate partner, we unconsciously find someone who is similar enough to our upbringing to feel familiar, but different enough that we feel we can change the experience this time.

Without awareness of the childhood dramas we are playing out, we can end up hurting ourselves in the same way over and over again.

The good news is that you are not a trapped little kid anymore, and doing this work can lead to deep healing in past and future relationships.

Clearly seeing the fictional version you project onto your partner gives you the power to write a new more beautiful and authentic story.

If you would like to read more about CNI work, you can check out chapter 3 of Terry Real’s book The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need To Know to Make Love Work.