Key points
- Co-regulation is when one person transmits their sense of calm to another person to help them regulate their emotions.
- It’s common in parenting, but you’ll also find it in romantic relationships, friendships, and other interactions between adults.
- You can co-regulate others by validating their feelings, offering a calming and welcoming presence, and leading by example.
When two people are together, their emotional and physiological states tend to synch up. If you’re with a friend or romantic partner, their emotional state naturally affects you, and vice versa.
It’s a normal part of being human — and it’s known to happen in other species, too.
Co-regulation is a process in which one person uses their own calm emotional and physical state to help another person regulate their emotions when they’re upset.
While most of us know how to regulate our emotions on our own, at least to some degree, sometimes we could use a little help to cultivate calm and feel better.
Here’s a look at co-regulation and how to use it in your relationships.
What is co-regulation?
Co-regulation is emotional regulation between two people in which the mental, physical, and expressed emotional states of each person affect the other person, according to researchers.
It flows in both directions. In other words, my emotional state contributes to your emotional state in that moment, and yours affects mine in the same way.
Researchers say the process of co-regulation “contributes to emotional and physiological stability for both partners in a close relationship,” and that it can happen between parent and child, as well as between romantic partners, friends, and in other interactions between adults.
“In relationships, this happens when one partner is in an emotionally regulated state, and the act of being regulated helps their partner return to a regulated state through mirror neurons,” says Blair Nicole, an associate marriage and family therapist (AMFT).
Parent-child co-regulation
According to the Administration for Children and Families (ACF), co-regulation between parents and children is a strategy where parents or guardians foster development by nurturing warm, supportive relationships and environments that encourage growth and learning.
It involves guiding kids on how to manage their emotions and behavior through coaching, modeling, and feedback.
Why is co-regulation important?
“Co-regulation is essential because it can increase the ability to self-regulate in children and adults,” Nicole explains. “Co-regulation is also the foundation of secure relationships, as it creates a bedrock of safety between two people.”
Research also reveals that co-regulation can help improve students’ academic progress and learner satisfaction.
A 2023 study from Medical Education Online surveyed 110 people involved in an online interprofessional medical education curriculum at a Hong Kong University.
Researchers found that a teacher’s presence, along with co-regulation, could indirectly influence how students perceive their progress in the course by improving self-regulation and cognitive presence.
Another potential benefit of co-regulation is better self-regulation among younger children.
A 2020 study from APA PsychNet analyzed 100 mother-child relationships. Researchers found that flexible and positive or neutral parent-child interactions might improve self-regulation in younger children.
Examples of co-regulation
Here are some examples of co-regulation in different relationships.
Parents co-regulating children
Parents can co-regulate by physically getting on their child’s level.
Standing over them can create an intimidating power dynamic. Instead, crouching down helps create a more calming, balanced environment for discussing emotions.
One partner in a couple co-regulating the other
Co-regulation among couples can involve two types of supportive behaviors. Emotion-focused support includes showing empathy and understanding.
Problem-focused support involves sharing responsibilities, like one partner doing the dishes when the other is overwhelmed.
A friend co-regulating the other
Friends can help each other co-regulate by offering a calming presence and soothing tone of voice. Simply acknowledging someone’s distress can make a big difference.
How to use co-regulation to improve your relationships
Research on co-regulation typically focuses on parent-child or teacher-student dynamics, leaving a gap in guidance for adult interactions.
However, co-regulation strategies are generally versatile and can enhance various relationships.
Below are some strategies for helping others to regulate their emotions, according to one expert article and a 2022 study published in Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review.
Validate the other person’s feelings and be responsive to their needs
Try not to ignore or dismiss someone’s negative emotions. Dismissing someone’s emotions can sound like, “You’ll get over it,” “Don’t make a big deal out of this,” “You’re being dramatic,” and can sometimes be very subtle.
Validating their feelings and listening can provide better emotional regulation in your relationship.
Validating someone can sound like, “I hear you. That’s hard,” “I get that,” “It makes complete sense you’re feeling like this,” and “That sounds like a difficult experience.”
Provide a calming physical and mental presence
Put yourself physically near the person, if you can. It can be sitting next to them, or hugging them, if that’s appropriate.
Reassuring physical touch can help, depending on your comfort level and the comfort level of the person you’re with, but it’s optional.
“Physical touch, such as hugs, can be co-regulating for some adults and children,” Nicole says. “The act of hugging someone for just six seconds or longer can slow down the fight or flight response.”
Pay attention to what the other person is comfortable with and give them some physical space if needed.
Try to stay face-to-face during this process, providing calm, steady eye contact.
Let them speak and try not to interrupt.
If you’re upset, co-regulating can be tough.
Before talking to someone when you’re facing your own emotional challenges, take a moment to calm yourself. Then, offer them a safe space to express their feelings.
Set an example
Some people find it hard to manage their emotions.
You can help them learn how to regulate themselves by demonstrating how you calm yourself whenever you’re upset.
Simple self-soothing actions include:
- reaching out to holding hands with someone who makes you feel good
- taking deep breaths
- asking for a comforting hug
- playing soothing music
- engaging in a soothing hand-on activity, like coloring, working on a puzzle, or cooking
- moving your body, like going for a walk or heading to the gym
The final word
Co-regulation is a way in which one person helps another calm down when they’re upset. It can improve relationships, whether between parents and children, romantic partners, or friends.
It also offers several benefits, such as boosting academic performance and strengthening bonds.
While co-regulation is essential in every relationship, it can look different for everyone.
“Effective co-regulation varies from child to child and couple to couple,” Nicole explains. “What works for one partnership or parent-child relationship may not work for another.”