Key points
- Gossip involves discussing people who aren’t present.
- It can be positive or negative, offering benefits but also potential harm.
You might be intimately acquainted with the practice, but what is gossip really? Defining gossip can be tricky. What’s the difference between gossip and rumors? What makes a person a gossip? Is gossip always negative? Or can it have positive aspects, too?
Recent research delves into why we gossip, why it’s hard to stop, its evolutionary benefits, and its negative effects. On the one hand, gossip can build bonds. On the other, it can hurt people’s feelings, damage reputations, and affect likability.
If you’re looking to steer clear of harmful gossip or wondering what to do if you’re its target, keep reading.
Gossiping definition
The basic gossip definition is that it involves talking about a person or persons behind their back when they’re not present.
Here’s how experts define this type of social communication:
- It’s communication that involves a sender, a receiver, and a target.
- The target is absent or unaware of the communication content.
- The communication passes judgment on the target.
You might think that a gossip is someone who spreads rumors about or trash-talks others. But gossiping behavior is broader than that. Someone who gossips communicates information about someone who isn’t aware they’re being talked about.
It’s not always malicious. And the information isn’t always untrue or exaggerated.
But gossip can be harmful when it serves to shame and embarrass others. Gossip about someone’s negative behavior, for example, can impact their reputation or likability.
Gossip can also be harmful to the people doing it. Dr. Meltem Yucel, a postdoctoral fellow at Duke University’s Department of Psychology and Neuroscience, points out on the podcast Getting Curious with Jonathan Van Ness that the gossiper is breaking the social rule not to gossip.
Here’s how gossiping can negatively impact everyone involved:
- Gossip can decrease trust and vulnerability between people.
- Gossip can lead to negative emotions and an increase in self-consciousness.
- Gossip can impact workplace engagement.
Gossip vs. rumors
People sometimes confuse the terms gossip and rumors. But they’re not one and the same.
On the podcast Getting Curious, Dr. Yucel clarified the difference: “Rumors are these unverifiable or unverified — and not necessarily evaluative — pieces of public communication. So it happens more in these ambiguous contexts when people feel some kind of danger or threat, and they’re trying to make sense of what’s happening . . . [Gossip] is more interpersonal, more evaluative.”
Why do people gossip?
Research suggests there are three main reasons why people gossip:
- They need information.
- They’re bored.
- They want to belong.
Gossip may also have the following evolutionary roots:
- Gossip can facilitate survival by helping people to spot potential dangers.
- Gossip can help increase the size of someone’s social network and the amount of available knowledge in that network.
- Gossip allows for the exchange of different social resources like information, influence, and support.
4 tips to avoid gossip
While gossip may have evolutionary benefits and isn’t always harmful, chances are high that when people talk behind someone’s back, they’re being less than kind.
Here are a few tips to help you steer clear of gossip:
1. Leave the conversation or stay silent
If you’re sitting at a conference table at work and someone starts talking about a coworker who just left the room, it can be easy to join in the conversation.
But if you’ve decided you don’t want to be a part of gossip, you can choose to stay silent. If you choose this option, remember that reacting to or continuing to pay attention to the gossip can encourage it.
Silent detachment may be your best option, if you’re not able to leave.
Another option? Politely get up and leave the room by saying something like, “I have to get back to my desk.”
2. Say something kind about the target, then change the subject
Picture this: You’re out for drinks with a couple of girlfriends, and they start gossiping about a friend who couldn’t make it that night. You don’t want to take part in the gossip. What do you do?
You can try saying something kind about your friend (the target) and changing the subject. Something like, “She deserves a night at home to herself to relax. Hey, have you seen Barbie yet?”
3. Say that you don’t feel comfortable with gossip and ask for it to stop.
A great way to avoid being complicit in gossip is to gently call it out and ask to change the subject.
For example, if your relatives are gossiping about another relative, you could say something like, “I actually feel really uncomfortable talking about them when they’re not here. Could we change the subject?”
You can then change the subject to relieve any tension.
4. Call out the gossip and its negative effects.
Maybe you’ve seen the harmful effects of gossip firsthand, and you want to do your part to put an end to it. You can take a step beyond avoiding it and actually educate others on the negative effects of gossip.
If your friends have a habit of gossiping about each other, the next time it happens, you could try confronting it directly.
Try saying something like, “I feel like we’ve all gotten into the bad habit of gossiping about each other. I don’t think it really makes any of us feel good, and it could actually ruin some friendships. Can we talk about something else instead?”
Dealing with gossip about you
Wondering how to avoid being gossiped about? Experts have one key piece of advice: stick to social norms.
If you don’t want to be the target of gossip, the best thing you can do is avoid attention by being “normal.”
But we believe staying true to yourself is more important. Avoiding gossip isn’t worth compromising your authenticity. So what should you do if you find out you’re being gossiped about?
Unless it bothers you, you can probably ignore it. But we understand that negative gossip can make you feel bad. Here’s what you can say when confronting gossipers: “I learned that you’ve been talking about me behind my back. I’d prefer not to be the topic of conversation when I’m not around to speak up for myself. I hope you understand!”
Calling out the behavior and politely setting a clear boundary is key.
The final word
While most of the new literature on gossip is pointing out its evolutionary roots: forming identity, strengthening bonds, sharing information, and reinforcing morals. It’s pretty clear to most people that gossip can be harmful.
It can shatter trust, ruin reputations, and destroy relationships. If you don’t want to participate in gossip, you can remove yourself from a gossipy environment, change the subject when gossiping comes up, or confront the gossipers head-on.
