Don’t Ghost: Here’s a Better Way to End It With Someone

Key points

• Ghosting hurts both people involved, even when it’s done to protect the other’s feelings.
• There are long-term psychological rewards for having difficult conversations. 
• A respectful breakup involves a mix of active listening and firm boundaries. 

Ghosting wasn’t invented in the 21st century, but we have certainly perfected it. Before the invention of smartphones, you could blame radio silence on someone being “away” from their landline, but we are now strapped to technology in ways that make it very obvious we are getting ignored. 

If you have ever ghosted instead of breaking up with someone directly, it’s understandable why. You may be trying to avoid an awkward conversation or say something hurtful. 

In fact, a 2024 study found that ghostees underestimate how much care goes into the decision to ghost — it’s often to protect the other’s feelings. 

But whether you’ve ghosted someone or just thought about doing it, it’s important to understand the impact of ghosting and how you can break up with someone more responsibly. 

Why ghosting is so tempting

To prepare for this article, I polled my social media followers to see if anyone had ghosted, and why. One person said they proactively ghosted to avoid feeling rejected down the line, a common behavior in dating known as self-sabotage. 

Another person said it was because they did not like some of the information the other person disclosed on the first date.

As you can see, ghosting was the same solution for two very different reasons. 

In a society where the act of cutting someone off is so easy, it encourages quick exits without accountability.

And now, with the rise of online dating and dating apps, we are so disconnected from the people we meet that the social consequences are even smaller. 

The impact of ghosting

In a commentary written in the American Journal of Pharmaceutical Education, the authors discuss how increased speed and ease of digital communication has increased the potential for intentional or unintentional ghosting. 

The authors report that, in both personal and professional environments, the increase in ghosting has led to decreased psychological safety. Although healthy communication requires more work, it gives closure and clarity.  

For the person on the receiving end, getting ghosted “can be incredibly painful and have a negative impact on one’s mental health and self-esteem,” wrote the authors of a study from 2023. This was whether or not the experience of getting ghosted was real or simply perceived. 

Similar conclusions were made in a 2024 study that tested the impacts of ghosting. The authors also found there was an increase in blood pressure following the experience of getting ghosted. 

The benefits of ending things respectfully

Respectful breakups are more likely to provide closure, preserve dignity, and foster emotional growth on both ends. 

Also, practicing honesty with people you don’t want a future with is a lower-stakes way to practice asking for what you want in more serious relationships down the line. 

Additionally, better communication is linked to delayed gratification, meaning that, while we may not experience the immediate psychological benefits of having a difficult conversation, we are likely to experience positive emotions and healthy relationships down the line.

How to prep for a respectful breakup

When preparing for a breakup, it is helpful to self-reflect and mentally prepare yourself for the event, as best you can. 

It’s hard to know exactly when it’s time to break up, and easy to doubt your decision when someone else’s feelings are on the line. 

While reflecting, ask yourself what your ideal relationship would look like, and which incompatibilities in your current dynamic stand out to you the most. 

In what ways can you communicate your concerns without attacking the person’s character, or suggesting they are flawed in some way? 

Most importantly, accept that you cannot control how the other person reacts, but that their reaction says more about them than you. 

How to end it gracefully

So, what do you say instead of ghosting someone? When ending a relationship, your safest language focuses on yourself (use “I” statements), or communicates your concerns gently and without scrutiny. Here are some tips: 

1. Be honest, real and kind: Share feelings without making personal attacks, and take responsibility where you can. 
2. Choose the right setting: This is a controversial topic. How many dates have to happen before a text breakup is considered lame? Use your judgement to assess your level of intimacy. If it would generally feel strange to call the person, you may be better off texting, but if you are becoming close, a phone call or in-person conversation may be the way to go.
3. Use active listening: Active listening, or holding space, involves being engaged and attentive when someone is speaking. Take care to be non-reactive when the other person expresses their emotions.  
4. Set clear boundaries and expectations: Express what kind of communication you’ll be comfortable with going forward, and remember that the other person may want more or less. Respect if it’s less, and set boundaries for yourself if it’s more. 

What to avoid when ending a relationship

There’s no perfect method for breaking up with someone, but you’re more likely to find yourself in a difficult conversation if you start with pointing out their flaws. Remember that your perspective is objective — one person’s horrible date is another person’s soulmate. 

It may also be tempting to create vague excuses or use cliches like “I need to focus on myself.” This may give someone a sense of confusion or false hope, instead of clarifying that you don’t see the relationship as a match and are not able to predict if there’s potential in the future. 

Remember that conflict can be empowering, although it’s difficult, and that we all face societal barriers to dealing with conflict in a healthy way. 

Women, for example, are socialized to be passive and deferential, and men are socialized to communicate less in general, issues which are fleshed out in the book The Social Psychology of Gender: How Power and Intimacy Shape Gender Relations. 

Coping after the breakup

The debate lives on: Is it harder to dump or to be dumped? The dumper may experience guilt and regret, while the dumpee is smacked in the face with rejection. Both parties can cope with these difficult emotions with self-compassion. 

Kristin Neff, a self-compassion researcher and associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, explained to Relationship Smart how self-compassion can help us avoid unneeded rumination. 

“Let’s say I’m in a conflict or something’s a bit challenging,” Neff said. “If I’m judging myself, saying ‘It was my fault,’ and I’m feeling inadequate, I’m going to be consumed by that and I’m also going to be kind of drained by that.”

So, start by taking the attention away from yourself and your self-judgements, perhaps by engaging in the practice of “opposite action.” This is where you do something kind for yourself instead of punishing yourself, such as taking the day off work or going to your favorite restaurant. 

Frequently asked questions

We gathered the most common questions we get from readers about breaking up with someone and answered them below.

How to break up nicely?

The best way to break up with someone is to give an honest answer without providing unnecessary, potentially harmful information about the person’s flaws. If you’d like to bring up another person’s behaviors, focus on concrete examples, not personality traits. 

How do you know it’s time to end a relationship?

Sometimes you’re just not into it, but if there’s a specific problem going on, ask yourself if you’ve honestly expressed your concerns and given the person a chance to listen and adjust. If you have, and it’s still not working, it’s time to go. Read our full article on how to know when it’s time to break up, by relationship expert Erin Davidson.

What is a soft breakup?

A soft breakup is the romantic version of “quiet quitting” in the workplace, where you slowly disengage without being direct about your intent to end the relationship. Oftentimes only one person knows there is a soft breakup going on. 

The final word

Nobody enjoys the breakup process, but it’s better in the long term to be honest about your intentions, rather than relying on silence to communicate your message. While you may be trying to avoid an awkward situation, it can cause unnecessary confusion.

Remember: there are benefits to ending a relationship respectfully. The practice of communicating with honesty fosters emotional growth and makes it a more positive experience for future relationships. 

In doing so, we as a society can increase emotional safety and go more boldly into relationships, knowing we have the tools to communicate our needs.