Highlights
- Childhood trauma can cause undesirable or maladaptive behaviors in adulthood
- Learn how to identify behaviors stemming from childhood trauma and how to overcome them
Think back to your childhood. Was it a happy time with a loving family and a stable home? Or are your memories a bit darker, shadowed by painful events?
For most of us, the truth lies somewhere in between. Even if your early years had their sunny moments, you may have experienced trauma.
Since childhood is the brain’s most formative time, trauma during this time can carry its weight into your adult relationships.
People with early trauma are not only more likely to have mental health complications like anxiety and depression, they’re also likely to have difficulties in relationships.
If you find that trust issues, fears, or insecurities from childhood trauma are affecting your relationships, take heart: healing is possible.
The first step toward healthier relationships is recognizing maladaptive behaviors (and why you do them).
We outline seven ways early trauma might impact you in adulthood and share some expert-approved ways to adapt.
1. Difficulty expressing your needs
Expressing your needs is necessary in relationships.
For trauma survivors, though, it may be hard to articulate what we need, even to ourselves.
“It can be a painful experience for trauma survivors to not only translate their own needs but also externalize them to the outside world, as they have often formed a core belief that their wants and needs do not matter,” says Kate O’Mailey, LCSW-C, LICSW of The Well Nest.
O’Mailey says that starting small is the best policy for getting in touch with your own desires.
Notice your own independence in simple choices (like choosing an outfit to wear or what menu item to order).
“Slowly but surely, folks will begin to reclaim that inner voice of stating their preferences and navigating the world with intentionality,” she says.
2. Opting out of social situations
Often, for people who have been hurt, it feels easier to opt out of social scenarios entirely.
Some research has shown a correlation between sexual abuse and introversion. If you find yourself frequently saying no to invitations, it may be a response to past trauma.
3. Reacting defensively to criticism
Nobody likes criticism, but those with childhood trauma may have an especially tough time dealing with it.
Our own inner critic is often so loud that hearing negative feedback from others feels like throwing fuel on an already-blazing fire. When trauma victims receive criticism, they may lash out at critics or spiral into self-loathing.
When you feel triggered by criticism, try to give yourself plenty of time and space to respond. Or seek out more positive feedback from other sources, such as loving friends.
4. Over-apologizing
Do you find yourself saying “sorry” all the time, even for things that aren’t your fault?
“Over-apologizing is an extremely common byproduct of trauma, especially trauma related to intimate partners or sexual trauma,” says O’Mailey. “Many trauma survivors have learned from an early age that keeping the peace (via over-apologizing) may protect them from danger in the future.”
In relationships, overdoing it on sorry diminishes your sense of power and control, O’Mailey says, creating a potential power imbalance.
Before you say you’re sorry for something, take a pause and consider: is an apology really necessary? O’Mailey recommends normalizing your mistakes as much as possible, recognizing that not every little slip-up requires repentance.
5. Shutting down during conflict
Going offline emotionally doesn’t tend to solve relational conflict — but it’s a coping mechanism for many with a history of trauma.
“Trauma survivors may be recreating the initial dynamics of trauma in and of itself,” says O’Mailey. “In trauma, the survivor is robbed of power and control, and this can leave long-lasting byproducts that evolve over time to protect themselves from future trauma.”
In other words, we protect ourselves by refusing to fight.
6. Refusing help
“Oftentimes trauma survivors will adopt a perspective of ‘I am not worthy of help’ as a way to make sense of what happened to them,” O’Mailey says.
Refusing help from loved ones puts up barriers in our relationships, preventing vulnerability and intimacy.
Crack open the door to help by letting a friend bring you a meal when you’re sick or asking a family member to babysit when you’re in a bind.
7. Constantly seeking assurance
Do people like me? Am I good enough? Am I doing enough?
It’s a common response to trauma rooted in anxiety.
In relationships, it can bear some unsavory fruit, though, as constant reassurance-seeking can exhaust your partner’s patience.
It may also set up an unbalanced dynamic as you cast yourself in a needy role (and your partner in the role of savior).
How to start healing
It’s natural for childhood trauma to trickle down to adult relationships, but it doesn’t have to be a curse your whole life.
Research shows that relationship troubles post-trauma aren’t an irreversible fate. We can move on.
The healing process post-childhood trauma will look a little different for everyone.
Getting into therapy is an excellent first step toward recovery. Other tools you may find helpful along the way include journaling, meditation, and connecting with other trauma survivors.
The final word
There’s no magic wand you can wave to erase childhood trauma. Whatever you experienced as a child, your memories will always be with you.
But by rolling up your emotional sleeves and working through your issues (both on your own and in therapy), you can prevent trauma from casting a shadow on your current relationships.
Sarah Garone
Sarah Garone, NDTR, CNC, is a nutritionist and freelance health and wellness writer in Mesa, AZ. Her work has appeared in a variety of publications, including The Washington Post, Insider, Everyday Health, Health.com, and SHAPE. When she's not writing, you can find her baking, running, or singing soprano in a local classical choir. She and her husband have been married for over 20 years and have three teenage children.