Key points
- Breadcrumbing is an experience in which someone sends you vague and inconsistent messages with no intention of committing to a relationship.
- Some signs of breadcrumbing include inconsistent communication, making excuses, and keeping conversations at a surface level, and flirting via text or social media with little follow-through.
- If you think you’re being breadcrumbed, know that it’s a form of manipulation. Communicate your boundaries and expectations, and leave the situation if the behavior continues.
When you were first dating they showered you with compliments and attention, but then they left you hanging. Now they’re back in touch again, and it’s a relief, but you’re feeling confused about where you stand.
Maybe this person has done this with you many times.
If you’re in a situation like this, your person might be breadcrumbing you (aka Hansel and Gretelling).
Breadcrumbing is more likely among people on online dating sites or apps, according to one study. Three out of 10 people in the study said they had been breadcrumbed or breadcrumbed others.
That accounts for a lot of us.
Thirty percent of Americans are on dating apps like Tinder and Hinge, according to a 2023 Pew Research survey.
Here’s what breadcrumbing means, why people do it, and signs you might be experiencing it from someone you’re dating.
What is breadcrumbing?
“Breadcrumbing is when someone gives you just enough to keep you hooked, but not enough to actually build anything serious,” says Michelle Beaupre, Ph.D, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and the clinical director of Villa Oasis San Diego.
“They throw out small ‘crumbs’ to keep you interested but don’t follow through or make any real effort to move things forward.”
It can lead to dating burnout and lower life satisfaction, as well as feelings of loneliness and helplessness.
Are you being breadcrumbed? 10 signs
If you feel like you’re giving a lot, but you’re not getting much in return, you might be experiencing breadcrumbing. Here are 10 signs of breadcrumbing:
1. You don’t know where you stand with them
One of the many breadcrumbing signs is just not knowing how to DTR (define the relationship).
“If they seem so into you one day, but then go completely quiet/distant the next, then that’s a red flag,” Beaupre explains.
“They might suddenly pop back up later with a very casual text saying, ‘Hey, what’s up?’ like nothing happened,” says Beaupre. “This back-and-forth behavior keeps you guessing and makes it hard to know where you actually stand with them.”
2. They give you the bare minimum
“Expect to hear vacant phrases like, ‘Thinking of you’ or ‘You up?’, which maintain interest in these people,” says Sean O’Neill, a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical director at Maple Moon Recovery. “But expect little more than that as these messages sadly seldom amount to progressing or furthering a conversation.”
3. They don’t communicate clearly or consistently
We’re sure you’ve heard this time and time again: communication is key to any relationship — romantic or platonic.
Poor communication is a hallmark of breadcrumbing in relationships.
“If they’re always dodging questions or giving non-answers about plans or where things are going, it’s a problem,” Beaupre says. “For example, if you ask to see them and hang out, and they respond with ‘We’ll see’ or ‘Maybe sometime,’ but never actually commit, it’s a sign they’re not that serious about you.”
4. They don’t make real plans with you
When you like someone, you obviously want to hang out with them. Sadly, if they’re breadcrumbing you, it might never happen, or only rarely.
A key sign of breadcrumbing is when someone can’t seem to commit to real plans.
“The classic ‘We should hang out’ is notorious for creating interest without the purpose of solidifying it, often leaving one insecure about their spot in the conversation,” O’Neill says.
5. They frequently make excuses
Have they given you a bunch of excuses for not really engaging in the relationship?
“As soon as they hear you voice your concerns, these people surely know how to make an excuse,” O’Neill says. “Be it a gentle apology or perhaps a soft promise to change.”
But does the promise hold up? If your plans together somehow keep falling through, even if their excuses seem valid, don’t ignore what the pattern is telling you.
6. They only reach out when it’s convenient for them
If a person is only reaching out when they need something, they’re likely breadcrumbing, says Beaupre.
“If they’re always the one deciding when to meet or what to do, and it’s only done on their terms, this could show that they don’t really care about you,” Beaupre explains. “For example, they might text you late at night with no real plan, just to keep you on the hook.”
7. They keep conversations at a surface level
A breadcrumber may not engage in deep conversations with you, especially if they’re about your relationship.
“If they avoid talking about anything deep and would rather stick to small talk instead, it’s a red flag,” Beaupre says. “They might talk about random stuff like the weather or a movie, but when you try to talk about something deeper, like your future together or your emotions, they quickly change the subject.”
8. They use social media to flirt with you but don’t follow up in person
They’re always one of the first people to like or comment on your pics, but that seems to be as far as it goes. What’s going on?
“[Breadcrumbers] seek attention and validation on social media with almost selfless comments, likes, and replies to stories ensuring you stay part of their life without any intention of taking it further in real life, avoiding all deeper interactions,” O’Neill explains.
9. They don’t explain their absences
Do they ghost you for a while, then pop back up with no valid reason why they disappeared in the first place?
People who breadcrumb may make no effort to explain themselves or even consider how their behaviors affect you, according to a 2020 study.
10. You still feel addicted to them
Being breadcrumbed can feel like an addiction, says psychologist and New York Times bestselling author Dr. Nicole LePera.
When a potential partner withdraws but then comes back to us, it can feel thrilling, passionate, and exciting, she says in an Instagram post. But this feeling isn’t connection. It’s your body in fight or flight.
You may be experiencing fear and then relief in a stressful, never-ending cycle.
Why would someone breadcrumb you?
Why do people breadcrumb in the first place? There are a few common reasons, says O’Neill.
“Emotional insecurity, boredom, or a need to keep options open all contribute to a person’s ‘breadcrumbing’ for various reasons,” he explains. “Some may ‘breadcrumb’ for the sense of control or power. Others may be unaware of their actions.”
LePera says breadcrumbing behavior can come from avoidant tendencies learned in childhood.
One study of 682 people in Spain and India found that breadcrumbing behaviors were linked to having avoidant and anxious attachment styles. These are behaviors learned from an early age that depend on how a child’s primary caregivers treat them.
Another study found that people who breadcrumb tend to have self-esteem issues and emotional problems, and may be egocentric or narcissistic.
What to do when someone breadcrumbs you
If you find that you’re being breadcrumbed, Beaupre says you need to be honest with yourself and face the truth of the situation.
Think about your own needs. What are they? Are they being fulfilled in this relationship?
If you’ve clearly spoken about your needs to the person you’re dating — like saying you need consistent communication — and things haven’t changed, then it may be time to move on.
“Some people keep getting breadcrumbed because they avoid facing reality and continue holding on — hoping that one day, things may change,” she explains. “But if you keep feeding into the person’s ego and giving them the attention they crave, you’re only making the toxic cycle continue.”
Here’s how O’Neill recommends dealing with breadcrumbing:
- Understand that breadcrumbing is a form of manipulation.
- Communicate your expectations and boundaries in the relationship.
- Put less energy into the relationship if the toxic behavior persists.
What is paperclipping in dating?
Paperclipping is a similar behavior to breadcrumbing — and it doesn’t make for a much better dating experience.
“Paperclipping is a term from dating slang that describes a person who ignores you for ages and suddenly pops back into your life to see if you are still single,” O’Neill says.
The term comes from Clippy, Microsoft’s tip-giving paperclip character known for appearing suddenly at unexpected times while you were working.
“It is more common for such people to reappear when one is emotionally distant from them,” O’Neill explains.
The final word
Being breadcrumbed is no fun, and it can feel like a waste of time once you realize the situationship is not going anywhere.
If you’ve experienced any of these red flags, it may be best to move on from this person. It’s unlikely they want to be truly connected with you.
You deserve a healthy relationship with someone who treats you with consistent care and respect. They’re out there, we promise.