10 Principles of Emotional Responsibility I’m Teaching My Kids

“Look what you made me do!” Do you have memories of being blamed for something you weren’t responsible for? I do, and they still sting. Maybe yours do too.

When one person blames another for their own feelings or behavior, it’s unjust and can lead to conflict. Because wouldn’t you fight back or at least get defensive if you were unfairly accused?

If you knocked over someone’s coffee or showed up late — yes, you’re responsible in an immediate way for that, but you’re not responsible for the way the other person manages their feelings or behaviors about it.

They are. Period.

My therapist calls this staying in your lane.

To stay in your lane means you take responsibility for what’s truly yours to manage: your emotional reactions and behavior. You’re the sole person who can control them.

On the flip side, you don’t veer into someone else’s lane and blame them for your stuff, nor do you take responsibility for theirs.

Here’s how I teach my kids about emotional responsibility, aka staying in your lane.

I talk about emotional responsibility every day with them in one way or another because I believe this set of ethical principles lays the groundwork for how we treat others and how we allow others to treat us throughout our lives.

1. It’s never OK for someone to hurt your feelings on purpose

Sometimes people blame others for their own bad feelings — and then punish them for it.

Being mean because you’re hangry is an everyday example.

It can also include screaming, threatening, name-calling, using a mean tone of voice, saying intentionally hurtful words, explicitly or implicitly blaming another person for their unhappiness, and other forms of emotional abuse.

None of these are OK. When you hurt someone, accidentally or on purpose, that’s on you.

In the same way, it’s never OK for others to hurt you emotionally. Don’t accept it as something you deserved just because the other person couldn’t handle their own feelings.

But we don’t snap back at them either. Instead, state your needs and boundaries, like, “I don’t like when you call me that.”

If they behave like this toward you repeatedly and don’t honor your request to stop, it’s time to leave that person behind physically and in life. Leave the room, tell the teacher, start sitting somewhere else at lunch, stop responding to their texts, etc.

Once you recognize the harmful situation, you must leave because you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.

How I talk about this with my kids

When they scream or use abusive language with me, I say something like, “Yes, you’re frustrated. You’re allowed to be frustrated but it’s not OK to scream at me. Instead, you can say, ‘[model the way to ask, in a kind, respectful tone].’ Try it.” Then I praise them when they do.

I also repeat this phrase in many variations, “Everyone deserves to be treated kindly and respectfully, including you!”

My hope is that they internalize these words and repeat them to themselves whenever they need courage to do the right thing — for themselves and others.

2. You are responsible for the emotional hurt you cause

When you’re unkind or disrespectful, that can cause harm in an immediate way. You’re responsible for this harm.

Once you’ve hurt someone, it’s OK if the other person takes a long time to forgive you or needs to sever ties with you completely, even after you apologize. Respect their choice.

You can usually prevent from harming others by making sure you’re behaving kindly and respectfully.

This is a tricky one because whether you’ve hurt someone is sometimes open to interpretation, so be generous about it.

Emotional generosity is key. Sometimes that might mean you need to accept responsibility for hurting people when you didn’t mean to.

How I talk about this with my kids

It’s easier to point out responsibility when my kids hurt others on purpose. But it’s tougher to navigate when they hurt others unintentionally.

This involves at least 2 advanced skills from kids:

• Logical skill: reviewing what happened and pinpointing what they are and aren’t responsible for
• Emotional skill: overcoming their shame and defensiveness because they feel wrongfully accused and misunderstood

This is advanced class, so I accept that my kids will take a long time to learn it.

Each time my kids hurt others, I try to practice:

• Stating out loud what actually happened: “You were taking your turn with the tower blocks, then your sister started helping and you yelled at her, then she started crying.”
• Compassionately validating feelings of unfairness: To one: “I understand. You don’t like being yelled at. You wanted to play with the blocks.” To the other: “Yes, you were taking your turn playing with the blocks, and then she tried to take a turn, too. It doesn’t feel fair.”
• Stating the ethical principle: “Even if others do something that’s not fair or we don’t like, it’s still not OK to yell at them.”
• Modeling replacement behavior: “Instead, you can say: ‘Please leave the blocks alone and wait for your turn. It’s my turn now.’”

This is my ideal, but honestly, when kids are little they can’t understand all this, so it can be too much to say in the moment.

You might end up just doing one of these steps in each conflict, or just spending the time hugging someone who’s crying after the situation escalates into chaos. I do whatever I can.

Sometimes I discuss the logical and ethical points later after the kids have calmed down, like at bedtime when everyone is calm.

3. Good news! You can redeem yourself by “making up for it”

When your kid hurts someone else unjustly, chances are they feel shame and fear that they’re a bad person. These feelings make most people want to hide under a rock, so it’s natural for your kids to feel that way and not want to face their responsibility.

The key mind shift that makes it easier to apologize is realizing that it makes YOU feel 100 times better if you redeem yourself.

And after you do, your relationship with the other person could actually become a lot warmer and more relaxed for both of you. You’ll feel on the same page again. Maybe even better than ever.

How I talk about this with my kids

When my kids mess up, I say, “That’s OK, you’re still learning how to do that. Let’s make up for it now.”

Making up for it involves two essential parts:

• saying sorry sincerely
• not doing it again

You have to do both.

And if there’s a mess or damage, you help clean that up, too.

I walk my kids through the steps of “making up for it,” and I help clean up any mess alongside them, making sure not to do it all for them. As long as they’re participating in some way, it’s good.

Whenever my kids successfully make up for something, I beam at them and say I’m so proud of them. Making up for a harmful decision is even hard for adults, so when kids do it, it’s a feat!

4. You aren’t responsible for how others think or behave

We are only responsible for the immediate effect of our words and actions toward others, not how they choose to interpret those actions or act in response.

For example, say you spoke meanly to someone, and then they knocked your pencils off the table in retaliation:

• You are responsible for hurting their feelings in the very first moment because you did something that is obviously hurtful (speaking meanly).
• You aren’t responsible for them knocking over the pencils.
• You aren’t responsible any other future choices or judgments they make.

But even when you’ve done nothing, others might behave badly or blame you. Then none of it’s your fault!

Someone decides to act aggressively or unkindly seemingly out of the blue? It’s probably all in their own mind, triggered by issues that have zero to do with you.

The problem is that some people like to blame others for their own thoughts and behaviors. In relationships this one way people behave in codependent relationships, which can be unhealthy for both people.

Hoo boy.

Ultimately, I want my kids to be able to recognize when others are blaming them for things they aren’t responsible for. I want them to be able to consciously avoid feeling at fault.

This includes not taking subtle mean or blaming behavior personally, like the silent treatment.

Because the reality is that the other person can’t manage their own feelings.

How I talk about this with my kids

My morning routine with my kids gives me plenty of opportunities to model this one.

It’s a triggering time for me. I often seem stressed and angry trying to get them out the door. I try to stay patient in the moment, but sometimes I let my frustration seep into my behavior.

But as soon as I can, I’ll take a deep breath and tell them I’m calming myself down.

Then I’ll say something like, “I’m sorry I raised my voice at you. I was feeling stressed about getting to school on time, and that’s not your fault. It’s my job to get us ready for school in time, and you deserve kindness and respect even when we’re in a hurry.”

Are they responsible for getting themselves ready for school? Mostly not. Because they’re kids, not adults. They don’t have all the skills to get ready on their own yet.

It’s on me to help them acquire those skills, not blame them for not having mastered them.

5. If someone holds a grudge against you, let them

People sometimes use their bad moods or the justification of past injustices to manipulate others through guilt.

I want my kids to recognize and reject this and not allow others to control them this way.

For instance, it could happen when you hurt someone, and the person you hurt holds a grudge far beyond the incident when you hurt them because they have a chip on their shoulder that has nothing to do with you.

Your responsibility for an incident, however serious, only extends so far. I’m talking about everyday conflicts here, like if you made a mistake, hurt someone, or accidentally bothered them in some way.

The tricky thing is, the reaction the person has that’s “fair” is subjective — what might seem minor to you might have been a big deal to them.

But here’s the thing: Some people use past hurts to manipulate others.

In other words, they’re taking out their upsetness on you for something you’re not responsible for, and sometimes even using that to manipulate your behavior by making you feel responsible or guilty.

You don’t want to make them more upset, so you appease them. In this way, they use their upsetness to control your behavior.

The sad thing is, the person may not even realize they’re doing it.

Even if you did something to hurt or bother the other person, in these types of situations the other person’s reaction can seem surprisingly extreme or unfair — like it doesn’t match what you did to hurt them.

React with emotional generosity, not defensiveness

First things first: Take accountability for anything you did to hurt them, intentionally or unintentionally. Give them the benefit of the doubt at first. Believe their feelings. 

If you feel someone is blaming you but you don’t know about what, ask them kindly and respectfully to say out loud what is bothering them and how they feel.

If they make an offhanded blaming comment, you could ask, “What do you mean by that?” Or you might open a conversation by saying, “It seems like you’re upset about something. Can you tell me about it?”

Show you’re trying to see things from their point of view. Acknowledge that it meant a lot to them and apologize.

Saying sorry a little more than you need to is better than not saying sorry enough. Err on the side of generosity.

But if they don’t accept that despite your best efforts and continue to express negative emotions toward you, you can’t change their interpretation.

Distance yourself and let them be.

How I talk about this with my kids

I point out emotional manipulation or overreaction situations in movies when I can.

Like in The Little Mermaid when Ariel’s father freaks out at her and destroys her collection of treasures after finding out she went to the surface and rescued the prince, I might say something like, “Do you think that’s fair? Maybe not. She just saved someone to be kind, but her dad got really mad and destroyed her special things. She didn’t deserve that.”

I try not to hold grudges or take out my personal hangups on others, but if I realize I’ve overreacted with my kids, I make an effort to apologize and comfort them as soon as possible.

This is a tough one because my kids may not be old enough to understand that they’re being manipulated or why they’re not responsible for someone’s grudge.

If you hurt someone, make up for it generously. Be open to what they have to say. If they’re still upset after you’ve “made up for it,” give them space.

Sometimes you just need to move on without them.

6. Say what bothered you or just forgive. Don’t play the blame game

This is the flip-side of learning to avoid being emotionally manipulated: learning not to inflict it.

Blame is a subtle way of inflicting of emotional harm on someone in an effort to manipulate them.

It may seem obvious in children, but in adults blame can be subtle and hard to detect.

People imply blame through off-handed comments and sarcasm, the silent treatment and other types of withholding, eye rolling and facial expressions, nonverbal noises like sighing, talking about you behind your back — the list goes on.

We don’t blame others for external events they didn’t cause, and we definitely don’t blame them for own internal emotional reactions and interpretations of events.

Blame sometimes looks like doing mean things to others because “they deserved it.” A kid might say, “I screamed at her because she made me mad.”

But screaming is inflicting emotional harm (fear), which is not OK, and nobody is responsible for your anger but you.

Blaming doesn’t restore justice. It just perpetuates hurt and resentment.

And the person you’re blaming might not even understand why you’re upset! They just live with a vague sense that something’s wrong and maybe they should feel guilt about it.

The best thing you can do if someone hurts you is to clearly, respectfully tell them what objectively happened and how you felt about it.

How I talk about this with my kids

Many relationship experts recommend bringing up your hurt in a conflict by starting with the words, “I feel …”

Using “I” language takes full responsibility for your own feelings, and can also help the other person receive the information without defensiveness.

On the other hand, if you start by saying, “You made me feel …” then you’re blaming the other person for your own feelings and putting them on the defensive right way, which is no way to get what you want in the long run (assuming you want validation, to be understood, an apology, reconciliation, etc.).

Research shows that discussing conflict with “I” language like this helps reduce perceived hostility and opens up the conversation for better conflict resolution.

7. You have the right to state your wants, needs, and boundaries without backlash

With kids, this principle lays the groundwork for consent, privacy, and body autonomy. No means no.

You have the right to tell others, “No,” “Don’t touch me,” or “I need privacy right now,” without blame or backlash. If you can, say it in a neutral and respectful way.

It also applies to simply asking for what you want. You have a right to do this as long as you do so respectfully.

If someone attacks you for respectfully defining our own needs and boundaries — including saying no — that is fully their problem, not yours.

They made the choice to make up a negative story about you in their mind, react in a hurtful way toward you, or both.

On the other hand, a supportive person will appreciate and accept when you state your needs and boundaries, even if they don’t like them.

Using respectful communication is key here — that means using a neutral tone and language, not being aggressive. If you harm others when you express yourself, it makes things harder to deal with.

If someone pushes back against your boundaries, restate them clearly. Take yourself away from the person if they don’t respond to your second attempt by respecting your wishes immediately.

How I talk about this with my kids

My kids sometimes cry or scream instead of using words when they want something.

I respond by telling them what I expect and modelling what that sounds like: “Try again with words. Tell me what you want. You could say, ‘Can I stay a bit longer, please?’”

I tell my kids that if I say no to their requests, they can try asking one more time and explaining their reasons to me. But if I still say no after their second request, they need to stop asking and make a new plan.

8. Don’t avoid partial responsibility. Take partial ownership

Have you ever been in a roommate situation where the kitchen turns into a garbage dump over time because nobody takes responsibility for cleaning it? It was everyone’s shared responsibility, but nobody’s full responsibility, so it slipped between the cracks.

Sometimes figuring out what you’re responsible for gets fuzzy. And it’s easy to deny responsibility for something shared. But that’s ultimately unfair to the group.

A similar thing can happen with personal responsibility.

There are many life events where you’re only partly responsible. It can be tempting to blame a failure on everything around you and take no accountability, but that’s often not true.

For example, if I’m late for work because there’s a delay on the subway, I’m not responsible for the subway itself because I couldn’t predict or control it.

But I am responsible for letting my work colleagues know I’m going to be late, since I have the ability to call them while I’m stuck in transit. And I am responsible for leaving home at the last possible moment with no room for error.

When you fail due to external factors, ask yourself, “What am I responsible for in this situation?”

I don’t have control over most things around me, like the subway, but there’s usually at least one thing I can do next time to improve the situation.

How I talk about this with my kids

If I fail at something, I say out loud what happened and what caused the failure. This is so that my kids can also learn to analyze causal factors in their lives.

Out of those factors, I say what I can’t control, and then I say what I could have, and decide what I’m going to do better next time.

I try to model lots of self-compassion throughout to show that reflection on a failure is a positive learning experience rather than self-punishment.

This all might sound like, “Today the bus came early and we didn’t catch it in time! That’s OK. We didn’t know the bus would come early — that was a surprise. What should we do next time to make sure we catch it?”

Sometimes they’ll have great answers if I ask them what they think. Then I can say, “Yes, good idea! And next time we’ll also leave the house a little earlier in case the bus comes early again.”

9. Protect others in trouble if you can and it’s safe

The bystander effect is when people in a group fail to help someone in trouble in front of them, when they would be more likely to have helped if they had been alone.

Like the roommate situation, it’s another case where people tend to avoid their partial responsibility.

But in times when someone else is in trouble, it’s often serious and urgent.

Even if my kids can safely say it wasn’t their responsibility to help in situations where others are in trouble, I want them to recognize they need to step up, even if they feel inhibited from helping in the presence of others or their scared of the consequences.

If you can do something to help someone in trouble, then it’s your responsibility to do it — as long as it doesn’t hurt you.

How I talk about this with my kids

For kids, this means calling an adult for help when you see a friend is in trouble, but not going into danger to save them yourself.

This one is harder to demonstrate because people are rarely in trouble around us, but I try to make small gestures to help strangers in front of my kids, like running to help hold the door open for someone with limited mobility, or stopping to ask someone who fell down near us on the bike lane whether they need help.

10. Be generous with your help and kindness

It’s almost always better to be generous with your help and offer a bit more than you think you’re technically responsible for.

People usually appreciate it — a lot.

You’ll earn their trust and get goodwill back many times in return. And even if you don’t, you can carry a good feeling inside that you went above and beyond to help others.

This happens in one-on-one relationships and in groups. In a roommate situation, when everyone is generous with their help and goes above and beyond their own responsibilities to help when needed, the roommates all benefit.

Surprise messes get cleaned up right away by generous roommates and everyone enjoys a nicer living space.

But one thing: Make sure the other person or people are also being generous, otherwise you’re going to end up feeling resentful, like you’re always giving more than you receive.

How I talk about this with my kids

I try to demonstrate generosity to my children and to others, and I point it out verbally, saying things like, “It feels good to be generous.”

I praise my kids warmly when they do something kind for others or help clean up the house.

The final word

Kids don’t always learn about emotional responsibility at school or in their everyday lives, yet it’s key to their social functioning.

Having these principles in my own mind helps me make ethical decisions and take actions quickly, and I want this for my kids, too. 

Essentially, the principles above all branch from these two:

• You’re not responsible for anybody else’s feelings, behavior, and interpretations of the world.
• You are responsible (or partially responsible) for those things you can control, including the words you say, the ways you treat others, and protecting others around you from harm when possible.

These principles help me let go of things I’m not responsible for, and focus on doing my best with what I can control.