Key points:
- Codependency is a sense of losing yourself in a relationship, in which you give up your own needs and activities to serve the needs of another person.
- Codependent relationships can happen between anyone, including romantic partners, friends, and family members.
- Codependent relationships can be harmful over time, leading to low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety.
- Individuals can have codependent patterns of thoughts and behavior that may lead them to form codependent relationships with others.
Do you often have the sensation you’re losing yourself in a relationship, thinking so much about the needs or desires of the other person that you’re losing sight of who you are?
Codependency is an unhealthy relationship dynamic in which one person is overly emotionally dependent on the other. It can lead to mental and physical health issues over time.
The word is also used to refer to a single person’s thoughts and behaviors. These people have a greater tendency to have codependent relationships.
The term “codependent” was originally used in the 1940s to describe a romantic partnership in which the dependent person had alcohol use disorder. But these days people use it to refer to many kinds of relationships, including codependent dynamics between romantic partners, family members, and friends.
There’s a lot of codependency self-help content out there, recovery groups, and academic research about it from around the world.
But it’s still hard to define because it’s complex and looks different in different people.
Experts still debate the definition and codependency isn’t listed as a psychiatric disorder in the DSM-V (Diagnostic Statistical Manual V) — the official list of psychiatric disorders recognized by doctors.
For this reason, we don’t know how many people have codependent relationships or behaviors, but some sources have suggested as many as 90% of people have them to some degree.
What is a codependent relationship?
A codependent relationship is one in which one partner relies excessively on the other in emotional or psychological ways. This behavior is known as codependency.
One person in the relationship acts as the giver, or caretaker, while the other person acts as the taker, or dependent.
People with codependency issues describe having three main experiences:
- an unclear sense of their own identity
- repeated long-term issues with emotions and relationships
- experiences of abandonment or being overly controlled as a child
One review article looked at definitions of codependency across six academic reviews. Though the definitions varied, they had these points in common:
- focusing on others rather than yourself
- sacrificing your own needs and desires to serve those of others
- conflict and control in relationships
- avoiding expressing your emotions
Read more about healing as a couple in our article Can a Codependent Relationship Be Saved?
Signs you might be in a codependent relationship
Are you in a codependent relationship? It takes two to tango, so examining your own behaviors, not just those of your partner, is key.
Here are some signs you might be in a codependent relationship:
- You feel like you’re losing yourself in the relationship.
- You have feelings of depression, stress, or anxiety as a result of the relationship.
- You feel low self-esteem related to the relationship.
- You find it hard to say no to your partner.
- You have difficulty setting and holding boundaries with your partner.
- You feel a need to take care of your partner.
- You feel a need to control your partner and may believe you know better than them.
- You routinely deny your feelings or sacrifice your well-being to help your partner.
- You avoid expressing your needs to your partner.
Patterns of thinking and behavior in codependent people
Codependency doesn’t have formally recognized “symptoms” since it isn’t officially classified as a psychiatric disorder.
But people with codependency tend to have certain patterns of thinking and behavior, according to the support organization Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA).
Remember that everyone is different, so not everyone has all these.
Denial
They may deny their own feelings or fail to recognize them, tell themselves they’re completely unselfish, and think they can take care of themselves without any help.
They may have a hard time admitting they feel negative emotions, and may mask pain with anger, humor, or other behavior or emotions. Sometimes they express their upsetness in passive or indirect ways.
Low self-esteem
People with codependency issues may have difficulty accepting praise, making decisions, or admitting mistakes.
They may judge themselves harshly and sometimes seek external validation to avoid feeling inferior.
Paradoxically, some may believe they’re superior to others.
Complying with what they believe others want
They may remain in harmful relationships, find it hard to express differing opinions, and put their own interests aside to do things for others.
Sometimes they’re hypervigilant of others’ feelings and take them on as their own. They may compromise their own integrity to avoid rejection.
Control tactics
They may believe others can’t take care of themselves and frequently give unsolicited advice.
They may attempt to manipulate others using blame, shame, anger, feigned indifference, helplessness, charisma, gifts, sexual attention, or even therapy-speak.
They may become resentful when others don’t accept these bids or do what they wanted.
Avoidance
They may do things purposely to make others reject them, avoid intimacy, and withhold appreciation.
Some may say they don’t want to try therapy or other methods of recovery.
They may believe showing your emotions is weak.
What does codependency feel like?
One study interviewed eight people from codependency support groups in the UK and came up with several resounding experiences these people reported:
- They were overly willing to adapt to relationships and social situations: They felt a lack of defined sense of self and tended to lose sight of their own personality, rights, or needs in order to fit in or be accepted.
- They felt out of control and trapped in relationships: Feeling passive or overruled in relationships, unable to leave even if they’re harmful, sometimes out of a heavy sense of obligation.
- They reported being emotionally out of balance: Some people with codependency described feeling out of control or unstable, on an emotional seesaw alternating between different emotional states, like between self-care and self-deprivation.
- They had the urge to go to extremes: They reported doing certain activities in excess, like drinking, drugs, sex, or work to escape feelings of emptiness.
- They had negative memories of their home environments growing up: They remembered parents or caregivers as overly critical, rigid, controlling, or perfectionist, but not supportive. Often one parental figure was physically and/or emotionally absent. People have reported feeling both controlled and abandoned in childhood.
Talking about these experiences with a therapist or support group may help — many of the people interviewed in the study above expressed relief at finding the idea of codependency as an explanation for their lifelong issues and feelings.
How do people become codependent?
What causes codependency and makes people form codependent relationships?
Codependency often results from having dysfunctional relationships with family or experiencing abuse or neglect as a child. It can be the result of experiencing trauma, researchers say.
Some experts have called it a non-chemical addiction, and people with codependency may be more likely to be genetically predisposed to addictive behaviors.
However, you don’t necessarily need to have addiction issues or have experienced childhood trauma to have codependent thoughts or behaviors as an adult.
Codependency expert Terri Cole says even if you had a so-called “normal” childhood, experiences in adulthood — including an abusive relationship, or a relationship with a narcissist or person with addiction — may lead you to take on codependent behavior patterns.
The 3 stages of codependency
Generally people in codependent relationships progress in their codependent behaviors over time. Here’s what that can look like.
Early stage
You might become highly fixated on one person and have a strong desire to please them. You might give up your hobbies and other pastimes to an unhealthy degree for them.
Middle stage
As the relationship progresses, you might find you’re not receiving nearly as much back as you’re putting in. Self-esteem tends to decline.
People in this stage often experience guilt, anxiety, and self-blame.
Actions people take at this stage in codependent relationships may include:
- trying to change their partner by nagging, manipulating, or blaming
- increasing addictive behaviors, such as excessive alcohol consumption, unhealthy eating, excessive shopping
- cooperative and dependent behavior toward their partner
Late stage
Self-esteem continues to decline, and self-care may decline with it.
The relationship can start to negatively affect your physical and mental health through stress-related conditions such as:
- heart disease
- sleep issues
- headaches
- muscle pain
- digestive issues
- eating disorders
Frequently asked questions about codependency
Here are quick answers to some common questions you might have about codependency and codependent relationships.
How to not be codependent in a relationship?
Codependence is when you give up your autonomy and identity in favor of serving another person’s needs.
To avoid codependency and foster a healthy relationship instead, consider getting therapy and/or joining a support group for codependency.
Try practicing self-care and focusing on your own needs first, intentionally use assertive communication and learn to set boundaries, take steps to improve your health and self-esteem, and practice self-compassion.
People in healthy relationships have what’s called interdependence rather than codependence.
They still provide each other practical and emotional support, but they set boundaries, practice assertive communication to speak up about their rights and needs while respecting those of the other, and each person takes ultimate responsibility for their own life, feelings, and behavior.
Is a codependent relationship good or bad?
A codependent relationship is typically harmful to the people in it.
People in codependent relationships describe having a lack of distinct sense of self, long-term extreme emotional imbalance, more problematic relationships, and lower life satisfaction.
Codependency is also related to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and aggression toward oneself.
What does codependent love feel like?
Codependent love, or loving someone in a codependent relationship, can feel like you’re giving up yourself completely for the sake of the other person.
That said, the feelings and behaviors of codependency are distinct from feelings of love for someone, so love and codependency aren’t the same thing. You can love someone and also have codependency.
What can be mistaken for codependency?
Empathy can sometimes be mistaken for codependency, and vice versa. Outwardly, they can look similar, but they are fundamentally different.
Empathy is a complex cognitive, emotional, and social process in which one person perceives and accurately understands the emotions of another person.
It includes the ability to see from others’ points of view, feel compassion for others and concern for their well-being, and feel distressed when witnessing distress in other people.
Those with codependence may have behaviors that seem similar to empathy, like hypervigilance about others’ feelings and the tendency to adopt those feelings.
However, these can be based in a fear of rejection, feelings of inadequacy, and attempts to control the other.
Codependent people can sometimes lack empathy about others’ needs and feelings.
The final word
Codependency is a multifaceted phenomenon that can look very different in different people.
The core characteristics of codependent people are a lack of sense of self and a tendency to abandon their own needs to adopt those of others, likely in pursuit of acceptance, safety, and control.
On the flip side, codependent behavior can harm others, including control tactics, excessive judgment, and emotional manipulation.
If you think you may have codependent behavior or may be in a codependent relationship, know that recovery is possible. Consider speaking with a therapist and joining a support group like CoDA.
Science writer and founder of Relationship Smart. A bad boss once scoffed at her decision to study psychology, calling it "pseudoscience." She's had a chip on her shoulder ever since. This website is her response — because the world of our minds is real, important, and studyable. Relationship Smart is here to answer all your burning questions about relationships with scientific rigor and sensitivity.