Key takeaways:
- Healthy boundaries foster trust and respect in your relationships. They’re also an important part of self-care.
- Some examples of healthy boundaries include valuing your own opinions, not compromising your values for others, and accepting when someone tells you “no.”
- To set healthy boundaries, prioritize your needs, discover your limits, be consistent, and be clear with others.
Setting boundaries can be challenging. Maybe you’re unsure how to define them, or perhaps others often test your limits. But learning to establish clear, healthy boundaries is an essential skill that benefits both you and your relationships.
Boundaries are the limits you set for what behavior is acceptable from others. Healthy boundaries foster trust, respect, and safety, key ingredients for stronger, more fulfilling connections.
Below, we go into more detail about healthy boundaries and how to set them.
What are healthy boundaries?
According to Emily Hu, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist with Thrive Psychology Group, healthy boundaries “establish trust and mutual respect and also help with emotion regulation in a relationship. Healthy boundaries respect the rights and autonomy of both parties.”
Healthy boundaries can involve:
- valuing your own opinions
- not compromising your values for others
- sharing personal boundaries in an appropriate way
- knowing your wants and needs and effectively communicating them to others
- being able to accept when others tell you “no”
Setting healthy boundaries protects you and your relationships from unnecessary stress and conflict. A 2018 study found that a lack of boundaries in romantic relationships can lead to problems like stress and increased negative interactions.
“If you don’t set a healthy boundary, it can lead to resentment, blame (other or self), and ultimately fractures in the relationship,” says Dr. Hu.
Unhealthy boundaries
Unhealthy boundaries can involve ignoring or dismissing your own or others’ wants, needs, values, and limits.
This might look like:
- feeling like you’re responsible for other people’s feelings or happiness
- feeling like you have to “fix” someone
- touching people without consent
- being disrespectful toward someone when you don’t agree with their values, beliefs, or opinions
- having trouble saying “no” or accepting when others say “no”
Examples of healthy boundaries
Below are some real-life examples of healthy boundaries across different relationship types.
With your partner
- allowing each other to spend time with friends and families
- following each other on social media but not sharing each other’s passwords
- giving each other space and quiet time
- discussing what type of physical touch you’re comfortable with in private and in public
- discussing how often you want to text or call each other during the day
With family
- allowing yourself to have alone time
- not allowing your personal information to be shared
- having the freedom to change your mind about attending family gatherings
- having the ability to share your feelings openly
- being able to manage your time as you see fit
With friends
- being comfortable saying “no” to outings
- addressing concerns while they’re still small
- openly expressing your feelings, wants, and needs
- being assertive but respectful when necessary
- spending time apart from one another and having other relationships
At work
- deciding how much personal information you’re willing to share
- staying away from office gossip
- defining your work hours with management
- speaking up for yourself
Why does setting healthy boundaries feel selfish or mean sometimes?
If you feel like you’re being selfish when setting healthy boundaries with your loved ones and co-workers, you’re not alone.
“Setting boundaries can come off as selfish because of all-or-nothing thinking,” says Dr. Hu.
You might think that protecting your personal or emotional space in a certain way means you don’t care about others.
But it’s important to remember that setting boundaries is a part of self-care — and self-care isn’t selfish.
By setting boundaries, you conserve your energy and protect your physical and mental health.
4 tips for setting healthy boundaries
Now that you understand what healthy boundaries are and how they can improve your life and relationships, here’s how to start setting them:
1. Prioritize your needs
Take a moment to reflect on what you want from your partner, family, friends, and colleagues. Understanding what makes you feel safe and what doesn’t can improve your relationships and your overall well-being.
2. Discover your limits
Spend some time figuring out your limits. In what ways could someone’s actions impact your mental, emotional, or physical health?
Understanding your limits will help you let others know when they cross your boundaries.
3. Be consistent
Sometimes, people may slip up or intentionally cross your boundaries. When this happens, it’s important to effectively communicate that they’ve crossed your boundary.
If sharing your feelings or thoughts feels nerve-wracking, focus on using “I” statements to express yourself:
When you ___, I feel ___ because ___. I’d prefer it if you did ___.
4. Be clear
Be as direct, clear, and simple as possible when setting and enforcing boundaries. Don’t overload people with details or confuse them about what you need from them.
The final word
Healthy boundaries are key to healthy relationships with a partner, family, friends, or co-workers.
Setting clear boundaries can also safeguard your mental and physical well-being. If you have trouble with this, consider seeking guidance and support from a mental health professional.