Key points
- When dating someone who is still living with their ex, experts recommend communicating your concerns and setting clear boundaries, being cautious, and trusting your instincts.
- While it’s not common for people to live with their exes, they may do so for many reasons, including financial.
- If they get emotional when discussing their ex, avoid introducing you, have secret phone calls or hide their text messages, or constantly scroll through their social media posts, then they might not be over their ex.
So you’ve been dating someone who you really like. Things are going well but there’s one thing that’s bothering you — they still live with their ex!
It can be awkward to hear their ex watching TV when you’re having a private conversation or cooking in the kitchen while you’re having sex.
You may be wondering if the situation is “normal.” It’s becoming more common, according to Carly Manning, a relationship expert and sex therapist from Bliss Relate.
“It’s not typical for someone to live with an ex after breaking up, but it is something I’ve been seeing more often,” she explains.
“The economy makes it hard for people to get back out into the world on their own, and financial issues are one of the main reasons why I see ex-partners doing their best to cohabit after a relationship.”
If you’re worried about this situation, we get it. We asked two relationship experts to share advice to help you navigate this situation.
Is it normal to be living with an ex?
“Living with an ex is certainly less common, but it’s becoming more prevalent, especially in expensive cities,” says Frankie Bashan, a board-certified sex therapist, clinical psychologist, professional matchmaker, and founder of the matchmaking website Little Gay Book.
“With the high cost of living … and the financial challenges of separating households, many people are choosing to continue cohabiting with an ex,” says Bashan. “In some cases, maintaining a similar lifestyle after a breakup can be nearly impossible without this arrangement.”
Advice for dating someone who lives with their ex
So, how do you deal with your girlfriend or boyfriend living with an ex? Our experts have three top tips to help you navigate this unique situation:
1. Communicate and set boundaries
Communication is key in any relationship, but especially when your partner is living under the same roof as their ex.
“It’s extremely important that they’re able to communicate well, as communication is key,” Dr. Bashan explains.
“You must have an honest and open conversation about the nature of their current living arrangement and their relationship as it stands today in order to establish clear boundaries to ensure you’re feeling comfortable and secure.”
2. Be cautious
With the possibility of feelings still being involved, Manning recommends you proceed with caution in your relationship.
“Since there are likely to be unresolved issues between your partner and their ex, I always advise my patients to proceed with caution because of the potential complications that might arise,” she explains.
“These issues can make it difficult for them to move on emotionally, making it harder for the two of you to form a bond.”
3. Trust your gut
If something feels wrong, don’t ignore it.
“Always trust your instincts,” Manning says. “It’s easy for us to ignore them when we’re in love, but they’re important.”
If your gut is telling you that something is going on between your partner and their ex, remember tip number one: make sure you’re having open and honest conversations, and that you share your concerns.
4 signs someone is not over their ex
If you’re unsure whether your boyfriend of girlfriend still has feelings for their ex, here are four signs that he/she is not over them:
1. They get emotional when discussing their ex
“If your partner frequently talks about their ex with a noticeable intensity, whether it’s anger, sadness, or another strong emotion, it could be a red flag,” Bashan says.
This is particularly important because, as a 2013 longitudinal study found, when someone has unresolved feelings for their ex, it can negatively affect the quality of their current relationship.
2. They avoid introducing you to their ex
Another sign your partner isn’t over their ex is if they evade introducing the two of you.
“If they avoid introducing you to them despite being an established part of their life and having already met their friends or family, that may be cause for concern,” Bashan says.
3. They secretly have frequent calls with their ex
Secret phone calls with their ex are a no-go (as is hiding their text messages from you) and can definitely be a red flag that something’s going on.
“Another potential sign is if they’re having frequent, extended phone conversations with their ex, especially if these calls happen out of your presence,” Bashan says.
“These behaviors might suggest that the emotional boundaries between your partner and their ex are not yet fully resolved.”
4. They’re always scrolling through their ex’s social posts
Do you find your partner constantly liking, commenting on, and reposting their ex’s social media posts?
According to Manning, this behavior could be a sign that your partner isn’t over their ex yet.
Frequently asked questions
Here are answers to some common questions about dating someone who lives with their ex.
How do you get over an ex that lives near you?
According to Bashan, it helps to adjust your routine to lessen the chances of running into them. “This can help create space for both of you to cool off, heal, and grieve the loss of the relationship,” she says.
Does the “no contact rule” work?
Manning says that the “no contact rule,” which is when you cease all contact with your ex, can be effective for some couples.
“Over 60% of people who use it find that no one breaks the rule during the no-contact period,” Bashan estimates.
“It gives both of you the emotional space you need to heal and ensures that any form of codependency is broken during the silence,” says Bashan. “It’s healthier for you both and allows for real healing instead of something more disjointed.”
Why do people go back to their ex?
If you’re wondering whether there’s a chance your partner might rekindle the flame with their ex, it’s helpful to understand why people go back to their exes.
According to Bashan, people might get back together for a few reasons.
“Many people resort to exes because they are familiar with them, have lingering emotions for them, or are afraid of being single, which makes them go back to their ex,” she says.
This study on why ex-partners stay friends found similar reasons:
- Security: emotional and general support
- Practical and financial reasons: not wanting to lose financial support and having shared possessions
- To keep the peace: being polite and not wanting to hurt the other’s feelings
- Unresolved romantic desires: not wanting to stop having sex and not wanting to be alone
Find out the reasons why your partner is living with their ex to better understand the likelihood of them getting back together.
The final word
Dating someone who is still living with their ex is usually not ideal—especially if you’re still building trust in the relationship.
If your girlfriend or boyfriend lives with an ex, and the situation makes you uncomfortable, say something. It’s crucial to communicate your concerns with your partner.
If they tell you their relationship with their ex is platonic, and they’re not showing any of the above-mentioned red flags, then you may not have anything to worry about.
However, it’s always best to trust your gut, so if something feels wrong, don’t ignore it.