Why Talking to Strangers and Meeting New People Is Scary, and How to Do It Anyway

We spoke with Alaina Provenzano, LCSW, a therapist in Ann Arbor, Michigan who specializes in working with people with social anxiety and other relationship issues. We asked her why so many of us struggle to strike up conversations with new people and how to get past the fear of talking to strangers.

Many people experience anxiety around striking up a conversation with someone new. Why?

The idea of approaching someone kind of “in the wild,” so to speak, is incredibly overwhelming.

If you’ve been used to mostly interacting with people online — as many of us did during the pandemic — you know you have a mutual opt-in with them. Maybe you’ve been in a space where you’re engaging with something you’re really interested in, like on social media or Reddit forums, and you know that other people are there for the same reason.

But in the world, you don’t necessarily have that.

We also have fewer opportunities for a younger generation to develop the skills of making friends and also learning about navigating rejection.

These are all painful experiences, but they’re opportunities for us to grow and learn about ourselves and learn about how to improve our social skills.

What are some good, safe places to strike up a conversation with someone new?

For a lot of people, the best idea is starting with your most frequented places (which is school, work, or other communities like church, volunteering, or hobbies).

Places where you show up with some regularity are ultimately the best environment to meet someone. Repetition lowers the barrier to entry.

You can get to know someone and get to know that they’re a safe, friendly person before having to put yourself out there. It also provides an opportunity for them to get to know you.

Then, over time, this friendship can develop without having to take the big deep dive of, “Do you like me? Do you want to try to get to know me?”

Do you find that most people have access to shared spaces of this kind?

Most people do, but because so many people work remotely, it doesn’t quite exist the way that it may have just a few years ago.

And people who are prone to social anxiety are less likely to put themselves in situations where they’re out in public in a social space.

So yes, some people don’t have them, but the positive news is that there are often enough spaces and opportunities to create them. I think it’s just a matter of being willing to withstand a little bit of discomfort the first few times until you start to recognize some familiar faces.

What are some baby steps toward putting yourself in a place where you could talk with new people?

Starting really small and working your way up is the best way, certainly. I always say a coffee shop is the first place to try because this is a place where it’s normalized to go and sit by yourself. It’s a communal space. People expect you to be alone.

But people might also have other spaces where they would feel comfortable. Try anywhere it feels to you like it’s normal to be alone.

When we think about starting small, that means don’t push yourself to try to talk to someone.

Maybe just go there for 15 to 30 minutes and just notice how you’re feeling. Notice, does the discomfort lift at all? Quite often it will. That signals to the brain, “OK, this may not be as painful as I thought it would be.”

From there, what would be a low-pressure way to start chatting with someone new?

One way is to ask a question that’s low-stakes. Like, “Oh, are you working on a project?” Or you can even just ask them to watch your stuff while you go to the bathroom if you’re really feeling nervous. Think about just putting tiny feelers out and feeling the temperature to see whether a person is friendly.

Giving a compliment is always nice, too. I always remind people, nobody hates getting a compliment. I would go with something that’s really obvious about them, like a shirt they’re wearing or their nail polish. You’ll also feel positive when you see that they’re happy to get the compliment.

You can also bring something up using your environment — like, “It looks like they got a new drink at this coffee shop. Have you tried it?” Or, silly as it sounds, talk about the weather. I know people hate talking about the weather, but we talk about it for a reason. It’s something we have in common.

Is it best to keep expectations low with these kinds of interactions?

Yes. I would say, regardless of your comfort level, have zero expectations.

Just strike up the conversation with a question, and if the other person is putting their headphones in or going back to their work, it doesn’t mean they don’t like you. It might just mean they’re really busy.

Then consider it a win that you just had a positive, friendly interaction. And the next time, if you see them again, you can just say hi, see if they’re open to talking more. Then, as you become more familiar, you can formally introduce yourself.

Do you think most people are open to being approached by strangers?

I think it’s good to remember that most people do want to speak to others. Many people feel lonely and do want friends, but we think “I’m the only one.” Realize that others probably feel how you do.

If you can be a person who’s offering this gesture to someone else, that just makes you stand out and it increases your chances of building community and connection in your life.

On that note, what might it do for our society if more of us were willing to take those steps?

Cultures thrive when people have community. We are social creatures.

There are so many links between loneliness and depression. So the ways we support each other and connect definitely have positive impacts on our health and culture.

Does becoming friendlier to strangers also boost our sense of self-esteem and positive identity?

Definitely. It’s a confidence boost of “I put myself out there and it worked.” It can help you see yourself as somebody who connects people, builds community, and is willing to take the risky first step.

I would also add that things become easier when we feel like we’re doing them for other people. So thinking about it as, “If I’m feeling lonely and this person is feeling lonely. Maybe I can help them.”

Any final takeaways for readers?

Just remind yourself that it feels really hard at first. Celebrate tiny victories along the way.

Even if you were to talk to someone first and they put their headphones in, or you ask someone to lunch and they say they have a really busy schedule, celebrate that as a win because you put yourself out there — and that’s growth.