What Is Compassion? Don’t Call It ‘Soft’

Compassion is a feeling of caring about someone who’s suffering, plus a desire to help.

When you’re compassionate toward someone, you’re sensitive to their needs and want to help increase their well-being.

It’s not just a feeling — compassion is also intellectual. You’re imagining another person’s experiences and reasoning how to help them. For many people, compassion is a decision to behave in a way you believe is ethical.

All the major religions encourage compassion. For example, Buddhism frames it as a way of acting selflessly to free others from suffering.

Another important facet of compassion is tolerating distress in others and yourself. This means calming your own sense of overwhelm in the face of someone else’s suffering and avoiding over-identifying with it or reacting to it with anger or upsetness.

Non-judgement is another key element of compassion, practiced in Buddhism and elsewhere. This means that you remain compassionate toward someone who’s suffering even if you don’t like them or you find something about them disagreeable.

• Who feels compassion?: Researchers say most people have the capacity to feel and express compassion, but your context can limit your ability to express it. It might be considered inappropriate in some social situations, for example, or be considered inappropriate or weak for certain people to express. These stereotypes can be harmful because they prevent people from getting the major benefits of compassion.
• What are the benefits of compassion?: Compassion is good for you, whether you direct it toward others or yourself. Being compassionate toward others is associated with well-being, resilience, positive social behavior. Being self-compassionate is linked with lower levels of depression, anxiety, and rumination, as well as higher psychological functioning.
• How do you show compassion?: You can show compassion by noticing someone else’s suffering and treating them with understanding, tolerance, and patience, rather than being critical, indifferent, or turning away — even when you feel negative feelings like anger, frustration, or disgust. This might mean showing understanding to a person who has failed or done wrong in some way.
• Compassion vs. self-compassion: Compassion refers to compassionate feelings and behavior toward others, while self-compassion is directed toward yourself. Research has shown they are separate, and people who have one may not have the other.
• Why is compassion important?: Compassion is connected with improved mental health and well-being in many ways. Scientists believe it evolved as part of caregiving and care-receiving behavior in mammals. It’s a social behavior that helps increase a person’s odds of survival and reproduction. Humans are wired to benefit from giving and receiving comfort from others. Co-regulation is a process of emotional sharing between people that helps us calm down and stay emotionally in tune with those around us so we can cooperate and benefit from that cooperation. 
• Compassion vs. empathy: How are compassion and empathy related? They share some features but are not the same. Compassion is the feeling of caring about someone who’s suffering and wanting to help. Empathy, on the other hand, doesn’t necessarily include the desire to help. One main aspect of empathy is experiencing another person’s emotional state, so it’s not only about suffering as compassion is.
• Compassion vs. kindness: Kindness can be a part of compassionate behavior, but doesn’t have to be. You can be kind without being compassionate, such as when you remember someone’s birthday. And you can be compassionate but not kind, such as using “tough love” discipline in parenting.
• Is compassion the same as pity?: No. Research shows some people think that compassion is weak, “soft,” and connected to a lower social status — and these misconceptions can get in the way of treating and healing mental health issues. Being compassionate doesn’t mean giving in to others at your own expense. It’s possible to be compassionate toward someone while setting boundaries with them. Rather, compassion is a way of reducing blame toward others or shame and fear of inferiority in yourself.

Explore more articles related to compassion on Relationship Smart:

• Why Self-Compassion Is Key for Your Relationships: Expert
• What Is Emotional Safety and How to Create It in Your Relationships
• Don’t Ghost: Here’s a Better Way to End It With Someone
• Listening to Your Partner’s Feelings: 5 Ways to Show Empathy
• What Is Co-Regulation? Definition and Tips