Why Jealousy Isn’t Always a Bad Thing & How to Harness It

• Recognizing jealousy
• How to see it as a signal
• If you think you’re ‘not a jealous person’
• Is there a healthy amount?
• Jealousy vs. attachment distress
• If you still feel it after doing the work
• Learning to work with it

Key points:

• There are no good and bad emotions. All feelings carry information, and if you listen to them, they’ll tell you something.
• Jealousy can be a helpful indicator of unmet needs.
• Suppressing jealousy doesn’t make it go away.
• Sometimes a feeling of jealousy can indicate trauma or relationship red flags.

Jealousy gets a bad reputation. People associate it with insecurity, possessiveness, or even a lack of trust in relationships. People even mention it frequently as a reason why they decide not to practice non-monogamy.

But what if jealousy isn’t always a negative emotion?

What if you could use it as a tool for self-discovery and growth?

Jealousy can show up in many areas outside of romantic relationships, but we can learn from the way that people in the polyamorous community see it. This group seems to roll out the welcome mat for jealousy, rooted in an acceptance that all emotions, even the painful ones, have value.

Learn to recognize jealousy

When we view emotions as information rather than problems to fix, we can better understand what they’re trying to tell us.

The first step to unearthing the benefits of jealousy is learning to identify it. Noticing cues from your body and feelings is key.

If you would like to strengthen your emotional literacy in general, I highly recommend checking in with yourself regularly through mindfulness practice, journaling, consulting a “Feelings Wheel,” or my personal favourite, the free How We Feel app.

It can also be helpful to distinguish jealousy from envy:

• Envy is wanting something someone else has, and judging yourself for feeling this way. In other words, you don’t have the desired thing and someone else does.
• Jealousy is anger or fear about losing something you value due to an outside force. In other words, you already have the desired thing, but you sense a threat that someone might take it away.

For example, if you see someone in a position you want at work and feel a pang of longing, that’s envy. But if you fear that someone else might get the promotion you thought was yours, that’s jealousy. 

Think of a time in the past where it’s obvious now that you felt jealous. Ask yourself:

• What sensations do I associate with it in my body? Did particular areas feel hot, tight, buzzy, heavy, or other physical sensations?
• Was jealousy mixed with other emotions, such as fear, shame, or anger?
• What thought patterns came up? Was I more judgemental of others, self-critical, or catastrophizing?
• When I felt jealous, how did I behave?
• How do I feel towards this experience of jealousy? Am I more ashamed, frustrated, or accepting of it?
• Does this bring up any other memories where I felt this way? Do these situations have any similar themes?

Understanding jealousy as a signal

In his famous book Nonviolent Communication, psychologist Marshall Rosenberg said a key way to approach uncomfortable emotions like jealousy is to get curious about what information it may be carrying about the person’s needs.

If you feel jealousy, get curious about your own needs. Ask yourself: 

“What unmet need is making this so uncomfortable for me right now?”

Jealousy can highlight parts of ourselves that we’ve ignored or suppressed.

Maybe you see someone else excelling in an area you’ve always considered to be your specialty. Or perhaps jealousy reveals deeper issues in your relationships — such as a need for better communication, stability, or reassurance.

Instead of something to push away, jealousy can be a starting point for valuable conversations and self-reflection.

If you think you’re ‘not a jealous person’

For better or for worse, jealousy is not an experience we can avoid as humans. Researchers have found that infants as young as 3 months old can experience it.

Even if jealousy doesn’t often arise for you in romantic relationships, it might show up in other areas, such as work, friendships, or creative pursuits.

Some people describe themselves as “not a jealous person.” As a therapist, my ears perk up when I hear clients write off entire emotions.

Whether that is jealousy or something else like anger, sadness, or boredom, if you find yourself dismissing an entire human emotion, it’s worth examining why. Often, this means we’ve internalized the belief that certain emotions are bad or unacceptable, leading us to suppress them.

This is frequently the case with jealousy because there can be social stigma around it. Jealousy really cramps the style of anyone trying to play it cool.

It’s worth examining if you have judgements around what it means to be jealous. If you do, there may be some sneaky feelings hiding in the shadows. 

Is there a healthy amount of jealousy?

There’s no such thing as a “healthy” or “unhealthy” emotion — only emotions that feel pleasant or unpleasant.

Even difficult emotions like jealousy can be valuable if we learn from them. The key is to recognize when jealousy arises, then pause and reflect rather than react impulsively (read more here on how to build this skill in conflicts with your partner).

Jealousy can even be useful — it can point toward something we want more of in our lives, or it can highlight a legitimate issue in a relationship that’s worth addressing rather than ignoring.

Sometimes jealousy is actually attachment distress

Sometimes what we label as jealousy is actually an attachment response — our nervous system reacting to perceived danger. If an attachment wound from the past is triggered, we might go into fight, flight, freeze, or people-pleasing mode, as if there were actual danger present.

Instead of trying to eliminate jealousy, it can help to focus on self-regulation and calming your nervous system to help you come back to the present.

When you’ve communicated your needs but still feel jealous

Whether you are monogamous or you practice ethical non-monogamy, even after you’ve spent significant time agreeing upon relationship boundaries or intellectually feel secure and trusting, jealousy can sometimes linger. If you find you’re still feeling jealous, ask yourself:

• What deeper needs of mine might still be unmet?
• Is this feeling more about anxiety or attachment distress?
• Could it be revealing mismatched goals or desires in the relationship?

Jealousy doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong. It might just be a sign there’s more to explore.

Many people find that speaking with a therapist can help them unpack where these feelings are coming from and whether they stem from past experiences rather than the present situation.

Learning to work with jealousy

Rather than seeing jealousy as negative, consider it an opportunity for growth.

The more we understand our jealousy, the better we can use it to clarify our desires, strengthen our relationships, and heal old wounds.

By asking the right questions and listening to what our emotions are trying to tell us, we can transform jealousy from painful to productive.