I Was Stalked for 10 Years: How I Regained a Sense of Safety

I was anonymously stalked from the time I was 13 until I was 22. Whereas most victims of stalking know the identity of their harasser, in my case, this remained a mystery until much later.

During a span of nearly 10 years, I received anonymous mail and packages containing pornographic material and sex toys, had my email hacked with explicit messages sent to my friends, and was signed up for lingerie catalogues I definitely didn’t want.

And — creepiest of all — throughout my adolescence, personal items like my underwear and diaries regularly disappeared from my bedroom.

Finally, after I got married and was living on my own, a series of events revealed that the person behind this harassment was my own stepfather — a man I had trusted since he married my mom when I was nine. 

After my stepfather was discovered, all hell broke loose.

I watched my nuclear family unravel as the man I called Dad turned out to be living a double life of crime.

My stepfather had not only stalked me, but drained his and my mother’s bank accounts, swindled his financial planning clients, and racked up a computer’s worth of child pornography.

He eventually went to prison, but not before a raft of suicide threats and paying middle-of-the-night threatening visits to my home.

Throughout the years of my stalking and into its aftermath, I lived under a cloud of fear that never quite went away.

Never knowing when the next harassing incident would occur left me shaken. I developed generalized anxiety disorder, a condition that continues to affect my everyday life. 

I’m now in my 40s. Over the years, I’ve been on a journey to reclaim my sense of personal safety in the wake of my history.

As any trauma survivor will tell you, even when your abuser is physically removed from your life, it doesn’t guarantee feelings of peace.

I can’t say I’m free from stress and fear, but several strategies have helped me move forward.

How I regained a sense of safety

Here’s how I’ve cultivated a stronger sense of safety.

Going to therapy

I’m a big believer in the power of therapy. Going to professional counseling has shown me that feelings aren’t facts.

When I begin to feel fear or unease, I can remind myself that, while these emotions may stem from real experiences, they’re not always based in present-moment reality. 

In fact, practicing the mindful awareness I’ve learned in therapy is a wonderful way to enhance my sense of security.

When I look around at my current life, I can see that in most moments, I am safe and well. This gives me a groundedness that comes from the inside out.

Practicing prayer and meditation

A blend of personal prayer and mediation has been a saving grace for training my nervous system to settle. I’m a religious person, so placing myself in the hands of God through prayer brings me some much-needed peace. 

Secular meditation helps, too. I regularly spend time meditating on phrases like “I am safe” and “I can rest and relax.” The more I hear them in my head, the more I believe them.

Surrounding myself with support

When things came to a head with my stalking, I was in my early 20s. At that time, many of my friendships weren’t all that close or supportive.

I was burned by friends who didn’t know how to walk with me through such a bizarre situation. I don’t blame them — getting stalked by a family member isn’t exactly a normal experience.

Still, in the years since, I’ve focused on cultivating friendships with people who can go deeper into the realities of trauma with me.

These days, I’m blessed to have a circle of dear friends with whom I can be honest about my fears and struggles. Being vulnerable with friends has not only allowed me to share my own difficult history, but to listen when they need to do the same.

I now know I have folks in my corner who will support me no matter what.  

Learning self-defense

Regaining a sense of safety isn’t just emotional — it’s physical, too. For me, it’s been incredibly empowering to learn the basics of self-defense.

I’ve taken classes on the safe handling of firearms and am in the process of learning other personal safety tactics. Knowing I can physically defend myself in any situation gives me great peace of mind. 

Letting go of what I can’t control

I’ve found that establishing a sense of safety boils down to letting go of things outside my power. I can’t dictate when my former stepfather will be released from prison or what may happen when that day comes. Neither can I rewind the clock and undo the trauma inflicted upon me. 

I could expend energy worrying about my future or ruminating on my past, but I try to make the daily decision to release my grip on them both.

The only ship I can steer is my own — so I choose to embrace emotional well-being and leave behind what I can’t control.