6 Takeaways from It’s Not You by Ramani Durvasula

Clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula has some experience dealing with narcissistic people.

Her bestselling book It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, published in 2024, details her own experiences with narcissistic relationships in her personal life.

While most popular culture books center attention on helping or fixing the person with narcissism, It’s Not You focuses on the experiences of people on the other side of the equation — those who are overshadowed by a narcissistic person in their life and experiencing difficult or abusive relationships.

It’s Not You is a handbook for these people, offering ways they can cope and find support.

As a psychotherapist, I found Durvasula’s honest personal account addressed common misconceptions about narcissistic relationships, and explained with compassion how someone might find themselves in one.

I left this book with deeper clarity on what narcissism means, and a better understanding of how I can continue to support my clients as a psychotherapist, friend, and support system.

I look forward to sharing these takeaways with you! 

You can purchase It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People by Ramani Durvasula from Amazon.

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What it’s about

It’s Not You explores narcissism and narcissistic behaviours with a focus on those who are involved in a relationship with a person who has narcissistic traits. It looks at narcissistic dynamics in the context of romantic, family, and professional settings. 

It takes a hard look at what narcissism really is, how people with narcissistic traits attract and keep you in their pull, and most importantly, how you can heal inside and outside this type of relationship. 

Durvasula explains that narcissism is a disorder of self-esteem that stands on four pillars:

• Lack of empathy
• Grandiosity
• A chronic sense of entitlement
• Needing admiration and validation from others

The person with narcissistic behaviors is often the one who gets the attention in self-help or therapy contexts — the focus becomes “fixing” them or “addressing” their behavior.

But It’s Not You focuses on supporting the person on the other side in these types of relationships.

Here’s what I took away from the book.

1. A person with narcissism seeks to replenish their “narcissistic supply”

People with different types of narcissism are motivated by a common need to fill up their “narcissistic supply.”

Durvasula discusses this supply as the person with narcissistic traits filling their cup with validation and admiration from their relational other, such as a partner, friends, or family members, until the glass cannot hold more.

When they do not receive their supply, or feel like their supply is topped off, you will see a different side of the narcissistic person. Often, they’re colder, leaving you feeling like your needs are being deprived.

My clients often come into our therapy sessions with emotional whiplash from this sudden change. As a result, my clients sometimes self-blame, taking misplaced accountability for the change in their loved one.

They often try to fix their own behaviours to help repair and restore the relationship, when in reality there is nothing that can be fixed. 

Particularly, I have found in sessions that those who describe themselves as people pleasers tend to experience high levels of discomfort and self-blame. They have anxious thoughts of what went wrong when the narcissistic person starts behaving this way toward them.

The person with narcissism seems to use this vulnerability from the other person as an invisible thread — their connection with the person is always there and they can come back to refill their supply when needed, but the other person may not know this.

Instead, my client feels abandoned by the person with narcissism. I tend to observe an imbalanced power dynamic that results from this feeling, in which the person with narcissism has the upper hand.

This is one of the goals of the person with narcissism. They use the other person’s vulnerability as an opportunity for manipulation. My clients typically try to restore the relationship rather than taking a step back and evaluating this imbalanced power dynamic.

2. Narcissism is rooted in insecurity

Durvasula says people overuse the word “narcissist” to describe anyone who is overconfident, self-serving, and in-love with themselves.

As a psychotherapist, I often see clients labeling challenging people in their lives as narcissists. And I would be dishonest if I said I haven’t made the same claims about people in my own circles!

Durvasula dives deeper, outlining 15 traits associated with narcissistic individuals.

Traits that we commonly associate with narcissism include: being egocentric, entitlement, the need for dominance, being incredibly charming, and having delusional grandiosity — false beliefs about the self, often linked to status or success.

And there were some narcissistic traits that I learned more about, including entitlement, projection of shame, restlessness, and consistent inconsistency — that is, being unreliable, lying, and disappearing emotionally or physically.

The theme that stuck out to me was just how much insecurity a narcissistic individual feels.

I found it interesting how people with narcissistic traits use different methods — such as future faking (making promises for a romanticized future, which never materializes) and deprivation (withholding the attention, care, or validation from others) — to ultimately protect their levels of self-security and boost their narcissistic supply.

Their need to guard against feelings of insecurity is often masked by behaviours that put others down to elevate themselves.

3. Your attachment style may make you vulnerable to manipulation

It’s Not You also made me think about how the narcissistic supply is related to attachment styles.

Durvasula discusses various personalities and how they are affected by the behavior of a narcissistic person in different kinds of relationships, including romantic, familial, or business.

I found that someone with an anxious attachment style, who is often wanting to have closeness in relationships, but fears loss and abandonment, may be particularly vulnerable to manipulation. Durvasula also discusses trauma bonding and how it increases the chances of entering a narcissistically abusive relationship.

Trauma bonding is a concept that is often misunderstood. It’s not bonding over a shared trauma.

Trauma bonding occurs when you are involved in an abusive cycle in which your history of trauma is being recreated. This leads to a feeling of unbreakable attachment through intermittent reinforcement, in which you get rewarding closeness or validation with the person sometimes, and other times they abandon or abuse you, but you never know what you’re going to get.

For example, a narcissistic person may abuse their partner emotionally or physically, then love bomb them. This kind of treatment can make you feel like you need to stay in the relationship. 

If you’re being treated this way, you may lose your sense of self, start to equate love with abuse, and begin to see the person with narcissism as a source of love and protection, rather than hurt.

When an individual with anxious attachment is working on breaking free from controlling and abusive relationships, it can be difficult for them to let go of the relationship, and they may fear the feelings of loneliness and abandonment that can happen after leaving it. 

That’s not to say that this fear doesn’t appear for secure and other attachment types, but people with anxious attachment have learned instability in relationships due to the inconsistency and absence of care and attention they received from primary caregivers when they were young.

Durvasula comments on how people with narcissism often get into relationships with individuals who display vulnerabilities, like the fear of abandonment that can come with anxious attachment. The anxiously attached partner’s reactions may align with the narcissistic person’s need for dominance.

At first, the person with narcissism uses methods that feel like love — such as love bombing, future faking, and validation — which make the other person feel like the narcissistic person is meeting their emotional needs. And they reciprocate.

Then when the person with narcissism obtains care, commitment, and love from someone with insecure attachment, their supply is met.

We often see people with anxious attachment having difficulty cutting ties with people with narcissism because (naturally!) they find it hard to leave someone who once met their emotional needs so well.  

4. Narcissism can be hard to spot

People with narcissistic personalities are often depicted as overtly superficial and materialistic, but that’s not always what narcissism looks like.

They can also seem kind, principled, and community-oriented. This may be another reason why people may be bewildered to find themselves in relationships with narcissistic people.

Durvasula outlines six types of narcissism:

Grandiose

The classic depiction of narcissism. They tend to be very charming, attention-seeking, arrogant, and success-focused. I seldom see grandiose narcissists come in for therapy, as they tend to believe there is nothing “wrong” with them.

Vulnerable aka covert

They tend to self-victimize and are resentful of others, often criticizing their partner or children when they are enjoying others’ company or their own experiences. They are often quieter than the grandiose narcissist.

In my practice, I often find this type to be common when individuals come in seeking support in their relationships with a narcissistic partner.

My clients tend to be confused with how self-loathing this type of narcissist is, yet they have no empathy or understanding for the client. In fact, they tend to be extremely critical and blame others for their grievances, even if the other person had no part in them.

Communal

They need to maintain a grandiose self-image, often seeking attention through charitable actions.

Self-righteous

They tend to be rigid with their values, often being hyper-moralistic. They may have black-and-white thinking, and they tend to judge those who have differing opinions.

Neglectful

This type is completely detached and tends to disregard others, often believing they are above human relationships.

Malignant

According to Durvasula, this tends to be a darker type, often having elements of psychopathy, sadism, and Machiavellianism. They tend to exploit other people for their own gain and to replenish their narcissistic supply. 

5. You get to decide what’s best for you

What I appreciated about Durvasula’s take is that there is no black or white answer to the question of whether you should leave the relationship. Life is too complicated to make this decision easily.

On top of your own feelings, there are other elements to consider, such as family dynamics, cultural dynamics, children, financial security, and physical security (for example, housing). 

If you decide to stay

I had heard of the term “radical acceptance” in the past, yet it had never stuck with me until I read It’s Not You.

Durvasula describes radical acceptance as the act of seeing the behaviors of the narcissistic person clearly, without being surprised by their manipulative tactics, such as gaslighting and invalidation. It means accepting that this type of abuse may continue without any changes from the narcissistic person.

However, it’s not just about accepting the status quo.

The key to radical acceptance is moving past the narcissistic person in your life. You’re realistic about your expectations and the benefits of this type of relationship dynamic. Knowing it will not change, you refocus on easing self-blame and shifting your attention toward clarifying and elevating your own voice. 

The goal here is to focus on nurturing your own energy and well-being in this dynamic, rather than trying to “fix” or “help” the other person.

Durvasula suggests doing check-ins with yourself, working against your own trauma-bonding justifications, and understanding that your truth should matter.

If you choose to stay in a relationship with a narcissistic person, here are some of the helpful tips Durvasula gives:

• Keep a gaslight journal: This will help you hold the person with narcissism accountable for making you question your reality, while also reminding you of times in which gaslighting has occurred.
• Talk to yourself out loud: This helps reinforce your own narrative and strengthen your internal voice.
• Engage less with toxic interactions: In many dynamics, such as parent-child relationships, you may feel obligated to maintain a relationship with the narcissistic individual. But limiting how often you interact is a way of protecting your peace.

If you end the relationship

If you choose to leave, you may face grief, and it can be a profound experience.

You have a shared history with this person, which also included good times, love, and emotional investment. Durvasula outlines important points to help with healing:

• Grieve the injustices you faced in the relationship: This is one feeling my clients can’t always pinpoint. Validating and exploring the emotions associated with it help my clients understand that what happened to them was, simply put, not fair. But don’t dwell on the injustices for too long. Durvasula highlights that the longer you fixate on them, the longer you frame your healing around the person with narcissism rather than yourself.
• Go to therapy: This can be an excellent way of understanding and navigating your complex feelings associated with this relationship.
• Have grieving rituals: You could celebrate the start of your journey by having a “birthday,” changing your space, throwing away items reminding you of this relationship, or having a “funeral” to say goodbye to it. 

Whether you stay with the person or leave them, I’ve found that understanding and listening to your sympathetic nervous system (SNS) is critical.

This is the part of your nervous system that triggers your fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses.

When your SNS is activated, you will see signs in your body that can help you identify what interactions with the other person make you feel unsafe. In the book, Durvasula outlines many helpful ways to help your SNS, whether you are in or out of this type of relationship.

6. Understanding that it’s not you can help you move on

A quote that resonated with me from It’s Not You was: “Healing is an act of resistance, defiance, and rebellion.”

For me, this quote encapsulates the journey that comes with addressing narcissistic dynamics. Whether you choose to stay or leave the relationship, an important takeaway from It’s Not You is that your experience, feelings, and safety matter. 

What I learned from this book is that when a person with narcissism quiets your voice, it is not an easy journey to find it again, but it’s important to give yourself a chance to see that support is available and you can use it.

Self-blame and guilt often come up for my clients in these types of relationships.

One technique I suggest is to take these feelings, personify them, and give them a voice. Then try to comfort the voice in the same way you would support a friend or a loved one. When doing this, pay attention to how you feel cognitively, emotionally, and physically.

Your perspective on the situation and the problem may look a little different after this. You may even conclude that your partner, parent, friend, or colleague were the problem, and that it’s not you.

If you’re experiencing abuse or think you may be in danger from an intimate partner, please call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline for free, confidential assistance in the United States. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788.