How to Heal From A Toxic Relationship & 7 Signs You’re in One

Key points: 

• Yes, it’s possible to have a healthy relationship after a toxic one.
• Breaking the cycle of toxic relationships involves doing healing work on yourself.
• It’s important to watch for signs of a repeat toxic relationship.

No matter how recently or long ago you exited a toxic relationship, it can continue to affect your life.

After an abusive or otherwise harmful partnership, you might still experience emotions like fear, distrust, or self-doubt. You may even wonder if you’ll ever be in a healthy relationship again.

Though it may take time, building a healthier and happier future with the right person is possible. So, let the healing begin! 

Here’s how to heal from a toxic relationship and sort the good from the bad next time.

Can you have a healthy relationship after a toxic one? 

If you’ve been in toxic relationships, you may have much to overcome, but that doesn’t mean you can’t forge loving, solid relationships. You are far more than your scars. 

That said, going from a toxic relationship to a healthy one isn’t an overnight process. It will likely take some introspection and self-healing.

How to heal from a toxic relationship: 3 tips

We believe in you!

1. Get to therapy 

If you’re ready to heal from a toxic relationship, getting yourself to therapy is an excellent first step. 

A trained counselor can help you identify past patterns and behaviors that led you to enter (and stay in) a toxic relationship. 

For many people, this looks like unearthing what led to trauma bonding, when an abused person feels emotionally connected to their abuser (AKA Stockholm syndrome).

Once you’ve recognized the reasons that kept you bonded to an abusive partner, you can do the emotional work of healing your wounds. 

Healing yourself might involve:

• Treatments for childhood trauma (psychotherapy may include inner child work)
• Reframing your self-talk for better self-esteem
• Using present-moment awareness to establish a greater sense of emotional safety

Depending on your therapist, you may do this through talk therapy, somatic therapy, or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). 

2. Practice good self-care

Practicing healthy self-care can also help you heal from a toxic relationship. 

Your connection with a toxic person may have left you emotionally or even physically wounded.

Take the time to nurture yourself with good nutrition, plenty of sleep, gentle exercise, and social engagements that feel comforting, not draining.

3. Give yourself time to heal

Many people who’ve been in toxic relationships feel adrift without a partner — so if it feels disorienting to be solo for a while, give yourself some grace. 

It’s important to allow yourself the time you need to fully heal and set priorities for the future. 

By journaling, talking with a therapist, or reading expert-written books, you can establish for yourself what a healthy relationship looks like and learn the healthy boundaries that make it possible.

7 signs of a toxic relationship 

It can sometimes be hard to identify whether you’re in a toxic relationship.

1. Constant criticism

Constructive criticism that comes from a place of love can be part of a healthy relationship — but a constant cloud of condemnation is a different story. 

Famed psychologist Dr. John Gottman calls criticism one of the “four horsemen” of relationships on a destructive path. 

2. Perceived power imbalance

When one person holds far more power than the other, it creates a dysfunctional dynamic. 

Research has shown that when people perceive their partner to have a position of power over them, their relationship quality suffers.

3. Promises of change that never comes

Maybe your partner has promised and promised they’ll make a meaningful change, only to come up with repeated excuses. 

You might be in a toxic relationship if you’re feeling perpetually strung along.

4. A foundation of manipulation

Manipulation comes in many forms, so it can be hard to detect.

In a healthy relationship, partners do things for each other out of love and care. In a toxic relationship, kind acts or words are manipulation. 

You may feel like you have to live up to certain expectations or jump through certain hoops to earn your partner’s love. 

Gaslighting is another form of manipulation, in which one person says things that cause the other to question their own memories and judgment of reality, like, “That didn’t happen,” or “You’re remembering it wrong.”

5. Harmful communication

Bickering, stonewalling, and name-calling are all forms of harmful communication. If left unchecked, they can become signs of a toxic relationship.

6. Feeling you can’t be yourself

Are you walking on eggshells? Feeling like you can’t say what you really mean because you’re afraid it will upset the other person?

Your relationship may be toxic if feelings like these consistently rear their ugly heads.

It can be a sign that the other person in the relationship gets angry quickly, has mood swings, or unpredictable negative behavior, says licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert Terri Cole.

7. Loved ones think you should leave

Your family and friends typically know you best, and they can see the situation from an outside perspective you can’t.

When multiple loved ones in your life believe your significant other isn’t good for you, it’s a sign the relationship may be a toxic one.

Further reading: This is What a Toxic Relationship Feels Like: 4 Signs

What to look for in a healthy relationship 

Here are pillars that a healthy relationship is built on.

1. Good communication

Good communication is the backbone of a healthy relationship. 

You can build this skill by speaking with kindness, listening actively, and even setting aside time each day or week for a check-in with your partner.

An important part of communicating with your partner is telling them your needs and wants on a regular basis. On the other hand, keeping these to yourself will ensure your partner will never be able to meet them.

2. Reciprocity

When partners are on equal footing, there’s a healthy reciprocity. 

This doesn’t mean you need to keep score. Ideally, you don’t, but both partners are generous toward each other.

If you realize that one or the other of you is consistently pouring more into the relationship, it’s time to evaluate how you can both contribute. 

3. Respect

Behaviors like name-calling or silent treatment exhibit disrespect. Instead, make the choice to show your partner you hold them in high esteem. 

Try showing your respect by offering encouraging words, not interrupting, and speaking well of them to others.

4. Trust

Healthy relationships don’t happen without trust. 

Admitting your mistakes, being honest with each other, and following through on promises all foster a sense of deep trust between partners.

The final word 

It’s up to you to determine how long to wait before dating after a toxic relationship.

With time, self-care, and therapeutic work, you can become the healthiest version of yourself.

The best part? Emotionally healthy people attract other emotionally healthy people.