Key points:
- Narcissistic personality disorder involves a lack of empathy, a need for control, and self-centered behavior — but also a low self-esteem and fragile sense of identity.
- Relationships with narcissists often follow harmful cycles where they swing between charming and volatile.
- To protect yourself, set boundaries, tame your own emotional reactions, seek support, and make a safe plan to leave if needed.
People throw around the word “narcissist” to describe a person who behaves in a self-centered or egotistical way.
But narcissism — narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) — is actually a diagnosable psychiatric disorder. An estimated 0% to 6.2% of the U.S. population has it, and it’s more common in men than women.
It’s important to note that many people can have harmful narcissistic behaviors, but may not be diagnosed with NPD. Even someone without the condition can have hurtful narcissistic tendencies but not meet the diagnostic criteria.
Research has found that people with NPD may have structural differences in their brains, especially in areas involved with reward processing and self-esteem regulation.
This may be one reason why it can be very challenging to be in a relationship with someone who has NPD, or even comprehend what they might be feeling or believing.
One study in 1,294 participants found that people whose former partners with high levels of narcissistic traits tended to have more symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
You may find that love is not enough to heal or change this person. NPD is considered to be a lifelong condition, and experts have found that even talk therapy — the main treatment for NPD — isn’t that effective for most people.
Here’s how to identify if someone is has narcissistic tendencies or may have NPD — whether they’re a romantic partner, friend, family member, or colleague — as well as techniques for protecting yourself.
What it feels like to be in a relationship with a narcissist
People unknowingly wind up in friendships and relationships with narcissists. Even people who have known the individual for a long time, like family members, may have difficulty figuring out what’s going on with their loved one.
Narcissists don’t experience much empathy in their relationships. That is, they can’t see through someone else’s perspective or feel what they’re going through. This inability on its own is enough to make a loved one feel unseen and alone.
One study found that people in family or romantic relationships with people with NPD tended to feel dependent, insecure, and vulnerable in these relationships, though they consistently wished for love and support.
People with NPD tend to go through a cycle in how they treat others. Understanding this cycle may help you make sense of confusing changes a person with NPD might go through, and manipulation tactics they might use.
The charm phase
You might have heard the phrase “love bombing,” used to describe someone who showers their object of desire with attention, affection, praise, gifts, or all of the above.
People high in narcissistic personality traits may use this technique to win the attention and earn validation from a person they idealize.
This first phase of being in a relationship with someone who has NPD can feel like:
- A fairytale, whirlwind romance or friendship in which they’re pursuing you intensely
- They may seem like the perfect person
- They idealize you or put you on a pedestal
- They give you a lot of compliments and attention
- They’re kind, loving, and attentive
Experiencing this kind of positive relationship with someone can make you develop attachments with them quickly. Many people fall hard at first for people who have NPD.
The control and manipulation phase
This phase could begin slowly after you’ve developed an attachment to the person with NPD. It can feel like:
- Fearing their anger if you don’t compliment them enough or do something they want
- The person may show explosive anger
- They blame you
- They call you names
- Sexual coercion and aggression
- Infidelity — they cheat on you
- The person misuses your money
- You feel dependent on them and may forgive them or take them back even though they mistreated you
Look out for signs of manipulation such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and blame-shifting.
Research has shown that people with NPD have a strong tendency to attack, reject, and subjugate people they are in relationships with.
Perceiving others’ behavior or feelings negatively and then reacting negatively tends to be a pattern for people with NPD.
For example, they may treat people around them coldly, yet may be offended because they perceive others acting cold toward them at the same time. Likewise, they tend to act aggressively toward someone they perceive as being aggressive, and act antagonistically toward someone they perceive as acting dominant.
If a person with narcissism accuses you of withdrawing from them or rejecting them, they may be correct. But that doesn’t make you wrong.
Many people in relationships with people who have NPD find themselves reacting this way to protect themselves from the emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse they have experienced from the person with NPD. It’s a protective response.
People in relationships with those who have NPD often feel disengaged, inadequate, and angry. Sometimes their behavior changes and they begin snapping back — treating the person with NPD negatively in the same ways they’ve been treated.
This is even well-known to happen in therapists who are treating people with NPD!
Needless to say, during this phase of the relationship you may have a sensation that something is “off.”
This is your intuition, which a narcissist may work hard to pull you away from.
Emotional rollercoaster
After control and manipulation begins, you may experience emotional ups and downs as the narcissist idealizes and then devalues you.
One study found that people in relationships with partners who were high in narcissistic traits tended to feel sick physically and mentally. They had more physical concerns, anxiety, depression, and self-aggression.
A person with NPD is likely to idealize you when they’re seeking attention and devalue you when they are seeking that attention elsewhere, or punishing you for some perceived wrongdoing.
Remember that a person with NPD always prioritizes themselves, and anyone that stands in the way of their ability to feel good about themselves will pay the price.
The cycle of idealization and devaluation can leave the partner feeling confused and emotionally drained.
Why it’s hard to leave a narcissist
Many people in relationships struggle to know when it’s time to break up, but the behavioral cycles of people with NPD add an extra layer of confusion. They may draw you back with positive attention after distancing, giving you an unpredictable reward that feels addictive or disorienting.
You might also fear their outsized emotional reaction to scrutiny, rejection, abandonment, or something else they perceive you’ve done to them. If you’re in this situation, it can be easy in the moment to choose the path of least resistance — accepting poor treatment and staying in the relationship.
Since Western society often rewards narcissistic behaviors — putting individual well-being first and rewarding those who strive to be the best — it can be harder to spot the red flags in someone’s behavior.
Here’s something important to remember: Studies also show that narcissism is 50% genetic. This means people with narcissistic behaviors were often raised by at least one parent who modelled narcissistic behavior, shaping their child’s beliefs about what’s normal and OK.
How to cope within the relationship
A person with NPD tends to behave in ways that hurt the people close to them. You might not be able to do anything to stop their behavior — it’s not your fault and it’s beyond your control.
You can only healthily exist in a relationship with a person who has shown narcissistic tendencies if they are not engaging in the harmful ones anymore. Since remission is not common among people with NPD, it may be unlikely they’ll change.
If you feel trapped in a relationship with a narcissist, here are some ways to protect yourself and your well-being.
Set boundaries
Learning to set healthy boundaries is a core relationship skill. Remember that you can always walk away from the person to take some space.
Focus on self-care
Recognize that you can’t rely on someone with narcissism to recognize and fulfill your needs. A person with NPD lacks empathy, so chances are they aren’t even aware of your needs, and their priority is always themselves.
Focus on what you need and what’s best for you in the moment, doing your best to ignore their complaints or push-back.
People in healthy relationships want the best for each other. They encourage each other to engage in self-care and want them to receive care from others, because they know that one partner’s well-being is good for the couple.
So if your family member, friend, or partner consistently gets upset when you do things that are good for you, that’s a sign that staying in a relationship with them may harm you.
Stay calm
Getting upset in response to a person with NPD — like like getting angry and calling names, or crying and pleading — doesn’t stop a narcissist from doing harmful things. It encourages them to continue.
Like children, people with NPD crave other people’s emotional reactions because it translates as attention. Try your best not to give it to them so they learn they can’t get a rise out of you.
Consider learning to take time-outs from upsetting interactions. They’re a powerful tool you can use to stay calm during conflicts.
Seek support
There are many therapists and abuse hotlines at your disposal. Take a leap of faith and reach out, whether or not you’re sure your partner has NPD.
How to exit the relationship safely
Here’s what you do if you’re considering leaving a relationship with someone who has narcissistic tendencies or NPD.
Recognize manipulation tactics
This is easier said than done when you’re in the relationship. It can be easy to self-gaslight and ask yourself if what you’re experiencing is really a problem, or if you’re actually the one to blame.
But reading this article and recognizing the hurtful behavior patterns they’re engaging in is a great first step to recognizing you’re in an abusive relationship.
Speaking to a trusted person or a mental health professional can also help you recognize harmful patterns.
Accept what you can’t change
No amount of love or empathy can heal a person with NPD or make them treat you better.
This can a very hard thing to accept about someone you love or care about. You may find yourself grieving the relationship, and that’s OK.
Seek professional help
There are many counselors and people who specialize in abusive relationships who can help you navigate this difficult time in your life.
Plan your strategy
Speak to loved ones and make sure you have a safe place to go.
Your partner with NPD is probably not going to respond well as you exit the relationship. They may show negative behaviors toward you that are hard to deal with, like anger, blaming, calling names, or violence. They may threaten self-harm.
It’s also possible that they’ll make great efforts to win you back, being unusually kind and loving toward you in an effort to get you to change your mind.
They may try to argue with you about your own feelings or dispute what actually happened (gaslighting). But you don’t need to have a good excuse or make your case to them. Wanting to leave is reason enough. If they don’t accept that, let them. What they think is not under your control.
Be ready to continue to walk away no matter what they do or say.
If you’re experiencing abuse or think you may be in danger from an intimate partner, please call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline for free, confidential assistance in the United States. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788.
Rebuilding after you leave
Rebuilding after you leave a person with narcissism can feel impossible, but many people have recovered from these relationships.
The most important thing you can do to protect yourself is stay away from the person with NPD as you’re healing. This is the time to focus on yourself. You may not have recovered enough yet to face their manipulation head-on.
Seek a therapist and trusted loved ones to help you break down the relationship from start to finish. Ask yourself when you silenced your own intuition — what internal warnings did you dismiss about this person early on that ended up being correct?
Learning to trust your own feelings about someone is the first step towards honoring your own needs in future relationships and building healthier relationship patterns.
Never blame yourself for their abusive behavior or for staying in the relationship. It’s a beautiful thing to see the best in people, and that ability will enrich your healthy relationships. Everyone deserves compassion, including you.
Frequently asked questions
Here are answers to common questions about being in a relationship with a person who has NPD or narcissistic behaviors.
Is it possible to have a good relationship with a narcissist?
Short answer: probably not. NPD has detrimental effects on interpersonal relationships, leading not only to poor relationships but significant difficulty in therapy.
While you may be able to see a couples counselor or encourage your loved one with NPD to pursue therapy on their own, people with NPD have up to a 64% dropout rate. They generally don’t think they have a problem.
Since NPD is usually a life-long condition and doesn’t go away, even with treatment, therapy usually focuses on helping the person improve their conflict management and social functioning.
What should I avoid doing after breaking up with a narcissist?
Your number-one priority should be protecting yourself. Avoid engaging with the person as much as you can — in social situations, online, and by phone and text.
If they don’t take no for an answer and insist on seeing you or continuing to talk to you, remember you’re still the one in control of what you do. You can simply stop responding.
What keeps a narcissist coming back?
Narcissists seek out validation to fill an emptiness — a lack of identity and self-esteem — within themselves, so you might find they try to get closer to you when you pull away from the relationship.
Stay strong. You are not responsible for filling those needs in them. Remind yourself that they are likely to turn on you again once you give them what they want.
The final word
People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or narcissistic tendencies often create confusing and emotionally draining relationship dynamics by love bombing and idealizing those close to them, then devaluing and hurting them.
A relationship with someone who has NPD can be especially hard to leave, but recognizing their manipulation tactics, setting firm boundaries, and seeking outside support are key steps that will help you protect your well-being.
Focus on your own needs, plan a safe exit, and get support from loved ones you trust and mental health professionals.
Ruby Anderson
Ruby Anderson (she/her) is a Brooklyn-based health writer and collaborator on projects related to prison abolition and reform. She studied English and Psychology, so she's also, unfortunately, a poet.