What Is Gaslighting? Examples and How to Protect Yourself

Key points

• Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that manipulates someone into questioning their reality. 
• People often gaslight others to avoid taking accountability for harm they’ve caused. 
• Knowing the signs of gaslighting can help you recognize an abusive relationship. 

While gaslighting can sometimes be recognizable, most of the time it’s hard to tell when it’s happening. You’ll need to look out for manipulative behavior that makes you question your own memories and mistrust your perceptions.

Gaslighting occurs in relationships where there is a mix of affectionate and abusive behaviors spread out over time, according to one study in 65 people who reported experiencing this form of abuse.

The outcome of this cycle of love and harm was reported to cause a diminished sense of self in the person being gaslit. 

If you or someone you know is questioning your own relationship, or are feeling confused and doubting yourself, please read on. You may be in a toxic relationship and experiencing gaslighting. 

What is gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a coercive control tactic that is used to manipulate you into doubting your reality, memory or perceptions. It is when someone presents false information to you with the intent of making you doubt your own memory. 

It is incredibly harmful because, without the ability to trust your own judgement, you can second guess yourself and mistrust your own memories. The experience can lessen your sense of who you are and what you need. 

Red flag phrases can include:

• “You’re remembering this wrong”
• “You were tired and probably don’t remember this correctly.”

They’re trying to make you doubt your version of events so they can control the narrative. 

The term “gaslighting” originated from the 1938 play Gas Light, later turned into the film Gaslight, where a husband gradually manipulates his wife in order to conceal his identity as a thief and murderer. 

Gaslight got its title from the husband’s act of dimming the gaslights in the house while insisting his wife imagined it. Throughout the story the wife slowly loses her sanity. 

A diminished sense of reality is one common impact of being gaslit.

The light dimming tactic from the story is an extreme, concrete example, but it illustrates the husband’s intent to unsettle his wife’s sanity, eventually leading to her feeling powerless to speak up or push back. 

When is it not gaslighting

Gaslighting is not as simple as having a different perspective than someone else or remembering things differently. Everyone can have a different perspective about something that happened — disagreements are natural. 

It becomes gaslighting when, for example, someone tells you something did not happen, when you know it did. They also know it happened, but they’re insisting otherwise and denying your memory of it. 

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. It can be hard to detect, but experts have called it psychological violence.

Common signs of gaslighting

In Gaslight, the husband uses a few common tactics, gradually manipulating his wife into a state of insanity. The case of dimming the lights is a very tangible example of blaming the person being gaslit, but there are plenty more. 

For example, he isolated her from her loved ones, which is a way for the gaslighter to push the impacted person to become reliant on their abuser as the sole authority on reality. 

Here are four more examples of gaslighting: 

Denying past events

Example: Your partner gets upset during an argument and shoves a glass across the table at you. When you bring it up later, they claim you must be misremembering, because they only knocked the glass by accident.

“Stop making things up,” they might say. 

Trivializing feelings

Example: You tell your mother it upset you that she forgot to pick you up from the train station. She tells you to stop being dramatic, and that people forget things all the time.

She might say, “You’re overreacting” instead of taking responsibility for how she hurt you, making you feel like your emotions are the problem.  

Twisting words

Example: Your best friend steals money from you. When you bring it to his attention, he reminds you that you’re constantly offering to lend him money, and that you once said, “You don’t even have to ask.”

(This could also be “blaming the victim.” See below.)

Blaming the victim

Example: Your partner cheats on you and explains that it’s because you haven’t been in the mood for sex lately. When you express that you wish they had said something, they claim you wouldn’t have been able to emotionally handle the conversation.

Why do people gaslight?

As you can see from these examples, people often gaslight because they’ve done something for which they do not want to take accountability. They want to have control over the other person and be able to dictate the narrative. This way, they can avoid responsibility and the shame and other negative feelings that can come with it.  

There are also other forms of gaslighting than the ones we’ve mentioned but that we don’t have room to address in this article.

One of these is medical gaslighting. This is when medical professionals invalidate their patients’ concerns or allow their conscious or unconscious biases to inform how they treat patients.

Impacts of gaslighting

One major impact of gaslighting is that the recipient becomes conditioned to rely on the gaslighter for validation. 

As the person who is harming reinforces a warped sense of reality, the person on the receiving end will likely begin to feel untethered to their own reality, leading to confusion and anxiety. 

Gaslighting may also impact self-esteem, especially for young adults, according to one study. The researchers found that those who had experienced gaslighting had lower self esteem and higher levels of psychological distress. 

If you’ve experienced gaslighting, you may feel isolated, depressed, or unable to trust your own judgment, and you may depend on the gaslighter for decision-making and reality checks.

How to protect yourself from gaslighting

While gaslighting is a serious form of emotional abuse, there are ways you can protect yourself from its harm.

Recognize patterns

Once in a while it’s normal to question your memory or role in a situation.

But if you find yourself repeatedly second-guessing your perception of reality, it may be a result of gaslighting in your relationship. 

Set boundaries

A helpful tactic for addressing potential gaslighters is to set boundaries. Tell them that you will only engage with them on a subject if they are able to validate your feelings and demonstrate self-reflection. 

In action, you might respond to “That never happened,” with, “I am not continuing this conversation if you are just going to deny my reality.” 

If this feels abrupt or harsh to you, you can try asking for clarification, like, “Could you explain why you don’t believe I remember things correctly? I want to understand where you’re coming from.” 

Document interactions

It can be helpful to write down facts and quotes, whether or not you choose to bring them to the conversation. That way you can reference your notes when faced with someone’s blatant lies or dismissals. 

Having this affirmation may empower you in future conversations and is a connection to your true sense of reality, according to the book Gaslighting Recovery for Women by Amelia Kelley, PhD. 

Seek support

Don’t be afraid to ask for help, both personal and professional.

“Sharing your experience with others may feel scary, but it can also save you from future harm,” writes Kelley in Gaslighting Recovery for Women. 

Seek objective voices, especially from people who have your best interest at heart — they are your strongest shield against a false reality. 

Getting help for emotional abuse

Connect with your support network, develop a plan for leaving an abusive relationship if necessary, and explore restraining orders or legal protections in cases of severe abuse. 

Here are some organizations you can contact for help leaving an abusive relationship:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.): Call 800-799-SAFE (7233) or text START to 88788 for 24/7 (confidential!) support.
• WomensLaw.org: Offers legal information and resources for individuals facing abuse in their relationships.
• Love Is Respect: Provides support specifically for young people in abusive relationships. Text LOVEIS to 22522 to get connected. 
• Futures Without Violence: Provides resources for people experiencing domestic violence.
  

Frequently asked questions

We’ve answered some of the most common questions people ask about gaslighting below.

What is an example of gaslighting?

One example of gaslighting is someone telling you that your memory of an event is wrong, even though you both know it’s correct.

It’s not the same as two people having different perspectives on the same event — that’s normal in relationships. It’s when one person completely denies what the other saw or experienced.

Common phrases are: “That never happened,” “You’re remembering it wrong,” or “You have such a bad memory.” It can make you feel disoriented and you might begin to doubt your own memories.

How to tell if you’re being gaslit?

Ask yourself if the person is open to hearing your perspective and experience, or if they consistently deny your reality without expressing curiosity. This is a red flag. 

What does “gaslight” mean in simple terms?

A person is “gaslighting” you if they manipulate you into believing a false reality. 

The final word

Gaslighting is a coercive control tactic of emotional abuse that is often subtle and hard to detect. It is so harmful because the person being gaslit becomes less trustful of themselves and begins to rely on the gaslighter for validation.  

You can help protect yourself from gaslighting by documenting your experiences, setting boundaries with people who do not listen to your perspective, relying on a broad net of loved ones to catch red flags, and potentially leaving the relationship.