What Are Your Love Languages? & What the Research Says

• The theory
• 5 love languages
• Giving vs. receiving
• How to identify yours
• What the research says
• Love languages as tools
• Talking about love languages with your partner
• FAQs
• Final word

Key points

• Author Gary Chapman’s famous “five love languages” can help couples express love in ways that feel meaningful.
• His theory isn’t backed by science, but you can still use the concept of love languages to learn about yourself and improve communication and connection in your relationships.

The term “love languages” is now a standalone part of pop culture vocabulary — see this Saturday Night Live clip of Grant and Alyssa, “the couple you can’t believe are together.”

Today we use the concept to talk about relationships, whether or not you know about the book that started it all: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman, an American media personality and Baptist minister.

Still, the book is a big deal. Published in 1992, it has sold more than 20 million copies in more than 50 languages around the world.

One thing people don’t talk about as much is that Chapman’s love language theory isn’t backed by research in real couples.

However, the idea of love languages can still be very helpful. The five love language categories are handy shorthand that can help us articulate how we want to love and be loved.

Here’s a guide to love languages, including what they are, where the research stands, and ways to benefit from using the idea of love languages in your relationships, without getting carried away by labels.  

What is Chapman’s theory on love languages? 

In a nutshell, Chapman’s theory defines five essential ways people express love toward others and want to receive love from them: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and gifts.

The theory is based on three main assumptions:

• Assumption 1: There are five love languages: Based on clinical observation, Chapman came up with five possible love languages a person can have — see below for detailed descriptions of each.
• Assumption 2: Everyone has one primary love language: Each person has a single, primary love language that characterizes who they are in relationships.
• Assumption 3: Having the same primary love language as your partner is important: Relationships work best when the two people’s love languages are compatible.

Chapman believed relationship problems happen when partners “speak” different love languages and don’t understand each other. He said both partners must learn and speak each other’s primary love language to maintain a healthy relationship.

What are the five love language styles?

Chapman proposed that couples could maintain a healthy relationship by keeping each others’ “love tank” full through consistent, intentional behaviors — fulfilling their partners’ emotional needs by “speaking” to them in their primary love language.

To speak someone’s love language means to give them love in the main way they want to receive it.

Here are the five love languages according to Chapman, with examples from his quiz: 

Words of affirmation

When someone verbally expresses their love, attraction, admiration, or gratitude.

Examples:

• Sending your partner a loving note for no reason
• Hearing your partner tell you they love you
• Your partner compliments you for no apparent reason
• Telling your partner you’re proud of them

Physical touch

When someone is physically affectionate in both sexual and nonsexual ways.

Examples:

• Receiving a hug from someone you love
• Putting your arm around a loved one in public
• Feeling comfortable high-fiving, hugging, or holding hands with someone you love
• Sitting beside each other
• Getting a back rub from someone you love
• Having sex with your partner

Acts of service

When someone takes time to do favors or kindnesses for those they love.

Examples:

• A loved one does something practical to help you
• You help someone you care about with a task
• Doing nice things for someone instead of just talking about it

Quality time

Emphasis on quality — when someone spends intentional, focused time with you. 

Examples:

• One-on-one time with someone you love
• Uninterrupted leisure time together
• Being together doing nothing in particular

Gifts

When someone gives big or small gifts, especially outside of the obligatory holidays. 

Examples:

• Giving a gift as a token of love for someone
• You give someone you love a small surprise
• Someone you love gets you a small gift to show they were thinking of you

Giving vs. receiving

According to Chapman, the ways you want to give love may be different from the ways you want (or know how) to receive love. 

For example, someone who might love giving gifts may not enjoy receiving them.

That means that when you’re talking about your love languages with your partner, it’s essential to note whether you like to give each type, receive it, both, or neither.

How to identify your love languages

You can try Chapman’s love language quiz online for free. It can be a helpful jumping off point if you’re not sure what questions to ask yourself or your partner.

Try taking notes about your own reactions while you’re doing it. In what ways do you particularly enjoy expressing and receiving love?

Consider other love languages researchers have found that go beyond the five outlined by Chapman, such as:

• Partners supporting each other’s autonomy
• Alignment on personal goals outside the relationship
• Managing conflict together
• Partners welcoming each other into their social circles

To find out your love languages, it might also help to ask questions with a focus on your emotional needs, like:

• When you’re feeling upset, how would you like your partner to cheer you up?
• What about when you feel insecure?
• How do you like to be celebrated on an important day?
• What’s one way you show up for your partner that you wish they would do in return? 

These questions may help you identify which love languages feel best for you to give and receive, and where there are unmet needs in your relationship.

Research on love languages is mixed

Research shows Chapman’s love languages theory may not give an accurate answer about what people truly value.

There’s ample evidence that people do appreciate the love language categories of touch, gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, and quality time. And they can indeed improve relationships.

However, peer-reviewed studies show Chapman’s theory may be too simplistic and its assumptions (listed earlier) don’t hold water.

An astonishing 30 million people have done Chapman’s love language quiz, but it may be a flawed way of measuring love languages. The problem is that each question forces participants to choose between two different love language examples. In each question, you have to choose one love language you prefer and reject another completely.

For example, the quiz asks you to choose between whether you like hugging your loved one or receiving kind messages from them for no reason, but you can’t choose both, even if you feel they’re both important.

At the end, Chapman’s online assessment tells you your “primary love language,” and you can pay to see your score on it compared with how you scored on the other love languages.

However, peer-reviewed research on love languages compared the results of Chapman’s quiz to a different measurement method that allowed participants to rate how much they valued each love language independently from the others.

It found the two assessments gave participants different results for their primary love language. That means that you can’t necessarily trust Chapman’s quiz to tell you which love language you care about most.

Fulfilling your partner’s needs is key

Alignment in love styles does seem to matter, but maybe not exactly how Chapman suggests.

How well you respond to your partner’s love language — i.e. how well you fulfill their needs, and vice versa — may make a big difference. 

One study in 100 heterosexual couples assessed each participant for how they preferred to receive love and how they liked to give it, using Chapman’s five love language categories.

The study found that couples in which the two people aligned on the love languages they liked to give and receive reported more relationship and sexual satisfaction.

Some love languages may also be better than others for your relationship.

A study in 696 people in couples found that the love languages words of affirmation and quality time contributed more to relationship satisfaction and perceived love than participants’ supposed “primary” love languages did.

You can use all the love languages

Focusing too heavily on your love language may lead you to devalue or ignore other expressions of love.

It’s tempting to classify people as a “physical touch person” vs. a “quality time person,” but those black and white categories don’t represent how people really are.

Instead, couples tended to have higher relationship satisfaction when they expressed all different forms of love languages, regardless of their so-called “primary” love language.

Researchers have suggested that, regardless of partners’ specific love language preferences, relationships only flourish when people are willing to embrace many different expressions of love, treating “love as a balanced diet.”

Use love languages as tools, depending on what’s needed

Chances are, you’re not a one-trick pony when it comes to love languages.

Instead of sticking with just one love language, consider using different love languages in situations where they work best — like complimenting your sweetheart after they get a new haircut, giving them a hug after a long day apart, and responding sensitively to the ways they give and receive love.

Love languages are a very popular topic in the world of relationship improvement, and researchers acknowledge that Chapman’s theory provides digestible language for couples to easily begin having conversations around their needs. 

Even if it’s not all backed by science, it may still be useful for thinking about your relational style. So take what works for you and leave the rest.

How to talk about love languages with your partner

If you feel insecure or unloved in a relationship, having a conversation about love languages with your partner could be a way to help them understand you and your needs, and get to know theirs, too.

It’s important to listen closely to your partner’s feelings and see their feedback as an opportunity rather than as criticism. Keep an open mind, reminding yourself that every person is different. Your way of loving isn’t right or wrong, and neither is your partner’s.

Revealing your love languages to each other and discussing what needs aren’t being meet may help you identify simple changes that could make a big difference.

Frequently asked questions

Here are answers to some common questions about love languages.

What are the 5 love languages?

The five love languages defined by Gary Chapman are words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and receiving or giving gifts.

Beyond these, researchers have identified other expressions of love that affect relationship satisfaction in couples, such as ability to manage conflict together and how much partners are integrated into each others’ social networks.

How to deal with incompatible love languages?

Don’t dismiss current or potential partners who don’t share the same primary love language as you, as defined by Chapman. 

Having different languages from your partner doesn’t mean you aren’t compatible as a couple.

Research has shown that in reality most people value all Chapman’s love languages, and that partners’ ability to respond to their partners’ needs and express their own may be most strongly linked with relationship satisfaction.

How to determine your love language?

Online quizzes can provide you with thought-provoking prompts on the topic of love languages and steer you in the right direction with their results, but the best way to discover which languages feel best for you is by observing what you already do and enjoy in your relationships. 

Consider separately how you like to express love vs. how you like to receive it, because these can be different.

What is most men’s love language?

Every man is different, so you’re best off asking them directly. 

In general, men and women tend to value the love languages about the same.

One study in 100 couples found no differences between men and women in how much they valued giving the love languages of physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gifts.

However, men and women differed on one love language: Women tended to express love through quality time more than men did.

In the study, men also tended to want to receive love less intensely from their partners than women did, and on average women said they felt they didn’t receive enough love from their partners, especially quality time.

It’s important to note that every individual is different, and these results don’t apply to all men and women. The best way to find out what your partner wants and needs is by asking them.

How to answer, ‘What’s your love language?’

When people ask this question, they may be referring to Chapman’s five love languages: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, quality time, and gifts. You can answer which of these love languages you like to give and receive.

But don’t feel limited to Chapman’s definitions. When someone asks you “What’s your love language?,” they likely want to know generally how you like to give and receive love.

If you want, you can share anything you love doing for others, or any ways you know you enjoy receiving love.

The final word

While not grounded in strong scientific evidence, Chapman’s love languages can still spark meaningful conversations.

Relationship satisfaction increases when partners fulfill each other’s needs, and talking with your partner about what these needs are will help you both understand how to fulfill them better.

The concept of love languages can give you a simple way to understand how you and your partner prefer to give and receive affection.

Don’t hesitate to tell your partner about other expressions of love you appreciate that don’t fit into Chapman’s categories — like resolving conflicts together or introducing each other to your friends. You can tell them specific things you like, too, like having your partner bring you a cup of tea or give you hugs for no reason.

Rather than focusing on only one primary love language, it may be helpful to focus on treating love as a “balanced diet” that’s rich in all of them.