How Your Childhood Shapes Your Attachment Style: Expert Q&A

Everyone has an attachment style. They’re a popular topic in the world of relationship self-help because insecure styles — anxious, avoidant, and disorganized attachment — often lead to hurtful behaviors, emotional distress, loss of trust, and conflict in relationships.

Katie Tsitaridis is a licensed professional counselor (CT), LMHC (RI), and CMPC based in Connecticut who works with children, teens, young adults, and couples, specializing in anxiety, depression, trauma, interpersonal concerns, and more.

We talked with Tsitaridis about attachment styles, their origins, and how understanding your attachment style can help you improve your relationships.

This interview has been edited for clarity.

What are the attachment styles? 

Katie Tsitaridis: The top attachment styles we read or learn about primarily are secure attachment, insecure attachment, or a mix of two, which is ambivalent — kind of the hot-and-cold attachment style.

I don’t think we are married to one attachment style forever. It emerges based on our attachment with our primary caregiver, whoever that was or wasn’t.

Folks who are anxiously attached [a type of insecure attachment] have a sensation of, “If you’re not good, I’m not good.” There’s a yearning for connection and real discomfort and insecurity when not feeling connected to a person.

Avoidant attachment [another type of insecure attachment] describes people who come across as aloof and indifferent.

Interestingly, anxiously attached people may find themselves attracted to avoidant individuals. When avoidant individuals intermittently give love and attachment, it reinforces a cycle — like gambling — for the anxious attachment person.

Then there’s ambivalent attachment, which is really disorganized. You might see that in some folks with developmental trauma. It’s very hot and cold.

How is developmental trauma connected to attachment style?

Developmental trauma could be complex trauma that starts as early as infancy or even in the womb. If the mother was going through something, or if in infancy the child didn’t receive love and attachment, it can lead to long-term effects.

You hear about this a lot in places like Russian orphanages, where babies don’t get attended to because of overcrowding. That emotional neglect developmentally changes brain chemistry and structure, leading to attachment issues.

Over time, it can impact impulsivity, love-seeking, and even self-harm. Many personality disorders emerge from complex developmental trauma. That’s why there needs to be more compassion toward individuals with personality disorders — it’s typically developed from compounded childhood trauma.

That seems to go against the stereotype that all people with personality disorders have a fundamental “lack of something” from birth, rather than a disorder caused by experiences

Yeah, exactly. It could be a mix of things.

We love to throw around the term “narcissist” nowadays. But a narcissist didn’t wake up one day and decide to be that way. If they’re willing to do the work, they can develop skills to change their nervous system and interpersonal behaviors.

We’re not stuck with an attachment style forever. People are complex — you might have secure attachment with one person and be really avoidant in another relationship.

When you’re working with someone, how do you recommend they figure out their attachment style in a specific relationship?

I’d ask: “Can you describe what it was like being raised and your interactions with your primary caregiver?”

That experience needs to be appreciated because what we learned or what was modeled (or not modeled) impacts attachment. If a mother struggled with postpartum depression, how did she present in early years? If a grandparent stepped in as a guardian but lacked certain resources, how did that shape attachment?

Or [I might also ask]: “When you and your partner argue and they walk away, what do you feel inside?” Often people say, “I feel abandoned.” It’s not just that their partner left the room. It’s, “They can’t handle me. I’m being abandoned.”

Acknowledging those younger parts that get triggered in adult scenarios is key.

Can you describe how folks with different attachment styles might appear or behave? 

Someone who’s anxiously attached will prioritize their partner’s needs over their own. This can create dynamics where they seem “needy,” constantly checking in due to fear of rejection or abandonment.

An avoidant person might appear indifferent, but they likely have their own fears of abandonment and keep people at arm’s length.

A disorganized attachment style looks like, “I love you, but go away.” It’s very hot and cold and often linked to borderline personality traits. In relationships, these styles can cause barriers, but if both partners are open to working on it, they can meet in the middle. 

Whether romantic, familial, or friendships, acknowledging the other person’s emotional experience is key. Instead of reacting defensively, approach with curiosity: “That thing you said made me feel this way.” Creating a safe space to share emotions is important.

So, developing secure attachment means doing the opposite of what your instinct tells you in the moment?

If your instinct is to run away, tell the other person: “I need to walk away to self-preserve, but I’ll be back in 10 minutes.” That way, you acknowledge both your emotions and theirs. Transparency helps avoid reinforcing negative defense mechanisms.

Anything else you think is important for people to know about how their attachment style affects their adult relationships?

I’d say there’s always hope. People are fluid and capable of developing skills. If all parties are committed, change is possible. Also, focus on your own work instead of worrying about others’ attachment styles. That will get you further.