Key points
- A healthy, loving relationship means you and your partner have separate identities, communicate openly, and have a strong sense of self.
- In a codependent relationship, you may share the same identity as your partner and have trouble communicating your feelings. One of you may take on the caretaker role while the other becomes dependent, creating an imbalance.
- If you think you might be in a codependent relationship, take some time to reflect on your needs and decide whether you want to seek individual or couples therapy.
How can you tell the difference between love vs. codependency?
If you’re reading this article, chances are you know a bit about codependency. Maybe you’ve even been in one or more codependent relationships in the past, and you’re trying to learn from them and not repeat the same patterns in your future relationships.
If so, we’re proud of you! It can be challenging to know what’s healthy and unhealthy if a codependent relationship is what feels familiar.
“Love goggles” can make matters even more complicated. You can’t always be sure if you can trust your own feelings when love feels so intoxicating, especially in the early stages of a relationship.
Here’s how to tell love and codependency apart, including signs you’re in a healthy, loving relationship, plus actions you can take to avoid codependency.
Is it love or codependency?
“Love isn’t about control or security, but about growth — together and as individuals,” says Fatemeh Farahan, a licensed marriage family therapist and relationship expert based in Los Angeles.
Codependency, on the other hand, is quite the opposite and can make your relationship much more challenging and emotionally draining.
“In a healthy relationship, both people feel valued for who they are, not just what they do for each other,” Farahan says.
“They can express needs and emotions without fear that the relationship will crumble. Codependency, on the other hand, often has one person over-giving, pushing aside their own needs to ‘keep’ love.”
Signs of codependency
Typical signs of a codependent relationship include:
- feeling like you’re losing yourself in the relationship
- having feelings of depression, stress, or anxiety because of the relationship
- having low self-esteem due to your relationship
- feeling like you need to take care of your partner
- finding it difficult to set and maintain boundaries with your partner
- avoiding expressing your needs to your partner
Signs you’re really in love (and not codependent)
So, what does love feel like when it’s not codependent?
According to Farahan, here’s how you can tell that you’re likely in a healthy, loving relationship with your partner:
- You don’t feel the need to “perform” to please your partner.
- You feel safe and free to be yourself.
- You don’t feel you’ll lose the relationship if you’re not constantly giving to the other partner.
In a healthy romantic relationship, your identity is separate from your partner’s
Your personal identity is made up of your values, goals, and aspirations, and your physical, psychological, and social characteristics and abilities.
“In a codependent relationship, you might lose sight of who you are because you’re so focused on your partner’s needs,” Farahan explains.
“In a healthy relationship, you keep a strong sense of self. You’re not sacrificing parts of who you are to feel secure — each person has the freedom to explore their own interests without worrying they’ll ‘disappoint’ their partner.”
Frequently asked questions
Here are answers to some common questions about love. vs. codependency.
How to fix a codependent relationship
If you’re currently in a codependent relationship, you can fix things — but you and your partner will need to put in work.
A few ways to mend a codependent relationship include:
- working on yourself
- seeking therapy
- letting go of the idea that you can “fix” your partner
- setting healthy boundaries
Can you confuse codependency with love?
Absolutely.
“Codependency can feel intense, like ‘I’d do anything for you,’ because it’s rooted in validation through giving,” Farahan says.
“Real love allows space for both people to be whole and independent, while codependency creates a need to keep the other happy to feel “safe.”
Who is most likely to be codependent?
According to Farahan, people who grew up feeling responsible for their caregiver’s emotions are more likely to have codependent tendencies.
“They’re the ‘parentified’ kids — the ones who learned their role was to be the emotional supporter or ‘fixer,’” Farahan says. “As adults, they may seek validation through caretaking because it’s how they know to feel loved and secure.”
How to not be codependent in a relationship
If you want to be less codependent, start with rediscovering who you are. Recognize your needs, set boundaries, and maintain a strong sense of self-worth outside your partner.
This type of relationship is called interdependency. In it, you’re mutually supportive and connected with your partner, but you’re also your own person with a certain level of independence.
Also, if you suspect that there’s a link between your codependency and your childhood, consider seeking therapy from a licensed mental health professional.
Experts talk about the idea of “reparenting your inner child” to improve your intimate relationships as an adult.
The final word
Everyone wants to feel loved — a deep connection that feels safe, supportive, and fulfilling. But how do you know if what you’re experiencing is real love or an unhealthy relationship dynamic like codependency?
Take a closer look at how you and your partner care for each other.
Chances are, you might be dealing with codependency:
- if one person is carrying most of the responsibilities
- if you feel like your whole identity is wrapped up in the relationship
- if the dynamic feels one-sided
If you want to improve your relationship, work on identifying your own needs, communicating more openly with your partner, and seeking therapy.